wild_dreamer: (Default)
Tuesday, March 8th, 2016 03:25 pm
There's something satisfying to me about doing the mundane parenting things. Making a lunch, making after-school snacks... These are the reasons I used to crave parenthood. All the joys of a child, too, of course, but so many little things. Crumbs in my hair, and handfuls of soggy goldfish crackers in a toddler fist.

My job provides satisfaction in some of these things, in an unexpected way. I no longer crave these day to day pieces of motherhood, because I get enough of them at work. I get occasional random hugs from the kid I work with. I get Cheeto-covered fingers in my hair from time to time. I get to make a healthy after school snack and pick up the kiddo from the bus, I get to run bubble baths and make sure his hair gets washed. I get to handle the bedtime routine: wash face and hands, brush teeth, change into pajamas, tuck into bed. Now and then when his mom isn't available, I even get to read his bedtime story.

And I get to watch him interact with his family, too; I get to see the affection he gives to his mom and his brother, I see that affection in his interaction with me. I feel like part of the family, in a way; I feel like a temporary big sister to the boys at least. I'm a peer to the adults, friendly and yet mostly still professional. But I still feel welcome, accepted.

I like the work I do. :)
wild_dreamer: (Akito Sohma)
Friday, November 13th, 2015 09:59 pm
The meds seem to be working, finally. I'm still tired, but I'm doing better with personal care, and I'm much better about not being a crazy and emotionally unpredictable wreck.

It's weird having regular emotions. I get sad, disappointed, upset, angry... but not wildly and irrationally so.

Exhaustion still happens; the depression and anxiety are only a part of the chronic illness. And when I'm exhausted, the emotions still run stronger. But it's so much better than it was.


Today, I am exhausted. Today I was tired, sleepy, all day. I slept from around midnight until almost one this afternoon, and I'm still tired. Still sleepy. It's grey and dreary out, which is likely a part of it; the oncoming cold weather is surely another part.

Today I went home after work only to gather a few necessities before going to the boyfriend's for the night.

Currently, I feel disappointed, abandoned, left behind, alone. Old insecurities resurfacing. But it's my own fault, for not communicating. "I want to come along," I didn't say. I put my shoes back on, my sweater and jacket, my hat. But I never said "I'm coming, too." "Don't leave without me." "Wait for me." So now I'm here, alone, feeling left behind. Ugh.
wild_dreamer: (Hatori/Shigure - thoughtful)
Thursday, October 1st, 2015 05:38 pm
Today was another productive day. :)

I got up, made breakfast for myself and my husband, drove him to school in time for his ASL class (we thought he might be late, and practiced the ASL for "my woman made morning food" so he could make his excuse if he was), and tottered over to snuggle my boyfriend for a couple of hours until I had to pick up Hubby from his class again.

Snuggled, chatted, enjoyed the company. Stopped by the food bank to see if they had potatoes in the lobby on my way to get Hubby; got plums instead. Went grocery shopping with Hubby, got a decent amount of things for $30 and we were silly and danced and snuggled and laughed and the cashier told us we were cute together. I missed those days; I'm super glad to have them again.

Got home to find the part I ordered to fix my old iPod had arrived, along with a box of super cheap toys I had forgotten I ordered; that was a nice surprise. I fixed the iPod and finished prepping dinner to go into the crockpot; we will have delicious curry tonight! It feels like such an accomplishment.

And all of this before I had to go to work at 2, so now I'm chilling around at work enjoying the company of my client and his family. Life is pretty good. :)
wild_dreamer: (Default)
Sunday, September 27th, 2015 01:40 am
Just did a meme from a link that was called "What kind of wife are you?"

"You are an:

Amazing Wife

You are faithful, honest, and full of amazing love to give! But you have also been hurt by selfish and inconsiderate people before. The joys you've had and the sorrows you've faced are both magnified under your faithful and tender self. But the most important thing is that you give off an amazing love that anyone would be lucky to receive. Your partner is extremely lucky to have you. You are an incredible human being!"

Which cracks me up. I mean, I try to be modest, but when I'm feeling good about myself this is all the things I think of. :)
Tags:
wild_dreamer: (SPN - cute!Jensen)
Friday, September 18th, 2015 11:50 pm
It's curious how invisible illness changes the way you see the world.

Depression, for one; how many things has it taken?

Pain; just as many.


Today, though.

I got off work, went to my boyfriend's apartment (dubbed "Bachelor House 2.0"; if someone ever asks about the original I'll be glad to share the story), played video games, and smoked.

Last night, one of the roommates (who also happens to be another of my occasional partners) finally got around to doing a mega-clean of the breakfast bar counter in their kitchen; This morning I hugged him and thanked him, this evening I cooked up some acorn squash like sweet potato, full of butter and brown sugar and cinnamon. I cleaned up after myself.

I did a project I've been meaning to do at BH2.0 ever since the slow unfuckening of the place was started by the Pat: I cleaned out a candle jar that had burned up and turned it into a pen-cup for the errant wandering implements that lurk upon flat surfaces.

Conclusion: cleaner surroundings motivate me to keep them that way, and work in bite-size pieces on what still needs done.


Also: stepping on a piece of squash peel that's fallen on the floor hurts strangely when you have a chronic pain issue. =/

Also also: I think I'm gonna start implementing more of that "do it for your future self" mentality, because I appreciate some of the things my past self has been doing for me lately, whether intentionally or not. XD
wild_dreamer: (Rin - happy mask)
Monday, September 14th, 2015 11:24 am
Four years. Four years absent, and here I am picking it up again in hopes it will help me clear out some of the clutter in my head so I can function again, hmm?

Married, mostly-functional poly for once, local friends instead of far away internet friends. Some of my friends are still back in Colorado, some of the people I love still live very far away, but more and more I've settled in here.

Which will make it all the harder to leave again. Husband (formerly known as Jailbait) wants to move down to Cali once he's graduated; better jobs in his field, better weather for his illness. I'm torn.

I have friends here, family here. Not that I haven't moved away before, but in Cali it would be just the two of us. It would be a starting over. Two people, two cats, against the whole wide world.

I'm officially fixed, now, too. Spayed. Check-up in November to make sure it worked properly, but it's not reversible anyway. Bite me, biology; no recreation for you. No passing on the crazy genetics to the next generation.

Started thinking about journaling again because it's hard to sort out some of the feelings in my head. Mostly thinking about the poly stuff right now; I'm married, dating a guy, and occasionally sleeping with another of my friends. Who happens to be roommates with the guy I'm dating. While my lovely husband is a total introvert who wants nothing to do with any of my friends or lovers for the most part, and is also busy with ridiculous amounts of work and school at any given point in time.

See the complications?

Add to that the depression, the anxieties, and the eternal pack rat in my soul, and we have Issues. My house is a mess.

Today was the first day in a long time that I've felt like just vanishing. The gypsy foot is strong, the desire to pack up from the boyfriend's house and leave barely a trace I was ever here, to vanish into the ether and travel somewhere. Skip work, drop obligations and responsibilities, take off.

Go boldly into the unknown.

Alas, I cannot.
wild_dreamer: (Utena - revolution)
Saturday, August 27th, 2011 09:59 am
And here it is again, time for me to leave for Burning Man, for my second year. It's almost hard to believe it's happening, and I'm certain I'm going to leave something important behind, but at least I know what the heck I'm doing this year. :D

It's time for all the last-minute packing, the scramble and the excitement ramping slowly up. I've been looking forward to Burning Man for months, it seems like I won't really be excited for it until I'm well on the road, well on my way there, and it kicks in: "I'm going to Burning Man! I'm going Home!" I'm looking forward to breathing, eating, drinking, and wearing the lovely dust of the playa again.

There's the excitement. Slowly building. Yessssss.

I'll be twittering my progress again this year on the drive, so everyone knows I made it safely into the dust. aWildDreamer is my Twitter username, for anyone who doesn't know; I think it should be posting to my journal regularly and I know for sure it's hooked to my facebook, but you can read the feed directly here at any time.

I'm going to Burning Man! :D

Time to go finish packing so I can leave on time. *grin*
wild_dreamer: (Default)
Tuesday, July 26th, 2011 11:30 pm

  • 23:38 Apparently the secret to picking up any new skill is to have a drink or two. My bowling has improved dramatically with a drink. & practice. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter
wild_dreamer: (Default)
Saturday, July 23rd, 2011 11:30 pm

  • 11:57 I want my camera. I am so tempted just to crack open the black one i got and paint it up instead of waiting for the green one. :sigh.: #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter
wild_dreamer: (behind the mask)
Monday, July 18th, 2011 09:41 am
It's that time of year again! It's my birthday, and it's time to make my last minute scramble to get my car fixed up, my bills paid off, and make sure I have enough money to feed myself and my car in order to make it to Black Rock City and back again in one happy piece. Click the cut-tag, if you please. )
Thank you, and I love you all whether you donate or not. ♥ ♥
wild_dreamer: (Default)
Friday, July 15th, 2011 11:20 pm

  • 00:08 The moon, guys. The mooooon. It is so pretty. And guess what? It's in space. 8D #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter
wild_dreamer: (Default)
Wednesday, July 6th, 2011 11:30 pm

  • 14:11 Such a beautiful, warm, clear day on the ferry. I can see all the mountains. All of them! <3 a whole skyline up behind my city. So happy. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter
wild_dreamer: (Default)
Tuesday, July 5th, 2011 11:30 pm

  • 16:26 @MishaCollins needs a new slogan: taking over the internet, one Minion at a time. He also needs to join Google+ and tweet about it. XD #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter
wild_dreamer: (Default)
Saturday, July 2nd, 2011 11:30 pm

  • 18:15 I did not _intend_ to spend my weekend sleeping on my couch and taking cold meds. The universe hates me, apparently. :coughcough, sniffle.: #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter
wild_dreamer: (Default)
Friday, June 17th, 2011 11:30 pm

  • 14:03 Just saw am old-fashioned vw bug go by with a wind-up key turning on the back. Coolest thing ever. :D #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter
wild_dreamer: (Default)
Saturday, June 11th, 2011 11:30 pm
  • 17:47 And now all that is left is the waiting. I keep thinking if i'm here so early and i mostly only know the band i should offer to help unpack. #
  • 17:52 @double_mischief oh heavens I wish. If only i were a little more bold or a little less tied down. #
Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter
wild_dreamer: (Default)
Saturday, June 4th, 2011 04:20 pm

  • 08:41 "wake me up at eight" does not mean kissing me on your way from the bath to playing games. It involves conversation to make sure i get up. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter
wild_dreamer: (Default)
Wednesday, May 18th, 2011 11:30 pm
  • 13:28 Summer is well on its way... At least, for today. Might have to turn my pants into shorts! It's nice out. :D #
  • 17:55 I need internet for this essay, but internet on the ferry is ridiculous expensive. Feh! I'll just have to fill in bits later. #
  • 18:05 Loving the outlining system for this paper. "in [year], [stuff happened relating to current topic] and by [year] [more stuff changed.]" #
Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter
wild_dreamer: (Default)
Saturday, May 14th, 2011 04:20 pm

  • 14:40 #ebz No-one talks much about the cities that preceded London. The Third City seems to have been a... fallenlondon.com/c/1076335 #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter
wild_dreamer: (Default)
Thursday, May 12th, 2011 11:24 pm
It's been a long time, Dreamwidth and LJ! And apparently my twitter stopped coming over about two months ago now, so you guys aren't getting jack all about my life.

Oops. Well, here's a random bit of what I find myself doing: Messing around with nifty things on the internet. Tada!

Wordle: And I Want - ReCoil