wild_dreamer: (behind the mask)
Monday, July 18th, 2011 09:41 am
It's that time of year again! It's my birthday, and it's time to make my last minute scramble to get my car fixed up, my bills paid off, and make sure I have enough money to feed myself and my car in order to make it to Black Rock City and back again in one happy piece. Click the cut-tag, if you please. )
Thank you, and I love you all whether you donate or not. ♥ ♥
wild_dreamer: (Akito Sohma)
Monday, September 20th, 2010 03:03 pm
Lyricspam! ) Who Needs Sleep by Barenaked Ladies


I'm going to need some sort of sleep aid for a few days at least, I'm thinking. I sleep, certainly. I get tired, I fall asleep, but I've had trouble getting restful, comfortable, deep sleep since I got home again. I toss and turn, my mind spinning a mile a minute even when I'm solid in sleep. I wake up with snatches of whizzing worldliness in my head, but no sign of true dreams.

I wake up feeling like I spent the night thinking about too much, like my head is full of things I haven't processed, full of too many ideas and wonders and thoughts and plans and castles. No real dreams, just snatches of probability, possibility. Nothing with form or cohesion, no coherence. Flickering bits of film, replaying moments that may or may not have happened, or are yet to happen.

I did not sleep well. Perhaps some decompression time is all I need, time to relax back into my ordinary life and the comforts of a scheduled reality. And some more forced sleep, courtesy of my friendly herbal valerian supplements and a hot cup of tea before bed.
wild_dreamer: (SPN - cute!Jensen)
Tuesday, September 7th, 2010 06:23 pm
Burning Man was the most amazing experience I have ever had the pleasure to be a part of.

When I finally reached the front gate, after picking up my ticket from will call and sitting through what seemed like crazy amounts of dust being blown around (and coating the inside of my car; PuddleJumper will never be quite the same again), I was greeted by a cute, curvy woman. She handed me a booklet and a map, gave me a big smile, and asked if this was my first year.

Surprised by my answer, but pleasantly so, she demanded that I get out of my car, give her a great big hug, and roll in the dust. "Don't be afraid of it. Get dirty, get dusty. The playa is everything, out here. You will breathe it, wear it, eat it, and learn to love it."

And before I got back into my car to go and find a place to set up camp, as the dust storm was kicking up again, she gave me another hug and a warm smile, and told me something I will never, ever forget. "Welcome home."

I had no idea just how true those words would resonate with me by the end of the week, but already they made me laugh and smile and thank her for the kindness. And the adventure was only just beginning. )
wild_dreamer: (SPN - cute!Jensen)
Friday, August 6th, 2010 07:02 pm
So! Glee and squee and far too much research.

I am going to Burning Man, I am taking a new friend with me (for the love of god wish me luck on not going crazy or totally alienating either of my dear friends who will be with me on this journey), and I have totally no idea what it's gonna be like to do this.

Water conservation like woah, garbage bag over a wooden frame (with a plywood base?) on top of my car for evaporation of the minimal washwater for three people. (Is that even gonna be feasible?)

I can take a serious shower when I get to Colorado, all of us can. Michael's house has unlimited hot water, and I'm betting there's a truck stop we can stop off in along the way someplace and grab some quick stink-washdown showers between Reno and Denver. No guarantee, but I'm totally prepared to travel with stinky friends in my car if I have to.

Still debating on taking my bicycle. I'd have to do something artsy with it (not that difficult, but potentially pricey) and I'd have to either get a rack for my rear end or be able to fit it in my car.

Have been doing a lot of research with regards to food. Planning on taking a single drinks cooler (borrowing Mom's skinny cooler for that) and one dry-ice-and-frozen-water-bottle cooled large cooler for the frozen stuff. Foods that can be cooked simply, just-add-water style. Pancake mix, cream of wheat, pasta, rice, vacuum-sealed and frozen pre-cooked foods. Canned food, maybe. Definitely some pre-cooked bacon. Omnom.


And then, after Burning Man, I am going to Colorado for NanDesuKan! :D Probably not much time for visiting in between, and family is first priority outside of the con itself.

Unless things change, I'll be having to leave early (Monday after con) and cut my last visit (going to see Nii-san on my way home) shorter than I'd like, because my court date for this stupid parking ticket is on the 17th of September and it's a long drive home.

I might be able to figure out a solution that doesn't involve cutting my vacation short, though. We'll just have to see.

I think that's about all the ramble I have for tonight, boys and girls. See ya around!
wild_dreamer: (Default)
Thursday, July 8th, 2010 06:36 pm
It's come down to this, guys. I'm desperate, I'm begging.No, seriously. )
wild_dreamer: (xkcd - angular momentum)
Sunday, October 4th, 2009 09:35 am
Do you know the feeling of always looking for someone in a crowd, even though you wouldn't know what to do or say if you did see them again? Have you ever spent a day in a familiar place, wishing you could go back in time to when the memories were fresh and bright, instead of soft and faded 'round the edges?

I have. I still do, years upon years later. I find myself doing things in his memory still, every so often. Take a walk late into the evening, and stop at the gas station for a bottle of Dr Pepper before I go all the way home. Take a walk in the pouring rain when it's still warm enough, and smile at the memory of an April shower that we walked in once upon a time.

Back when my castle in the air was all in one piece, before I learned to stop trusting, before I learned to keep my dreams apart from my hopes.

Everywhere I look, there's now two faces I hope and dread to see, two loved ones gone and far away, but not beyond the reachable. Two people I wish I could reach out to, but I wouldn't know what to say or do if I were to find them again.

One I've loved for all my life.

And one I've loved for only a few short years.

A childhood sweetheart and a girl I can never forget.

Two people I'm scared to find again, because I've never known how to react. What do you say to the boy who broke your heart and never even knew? What do you say to the woman whose heart you broke? The ache is never going to fade.

I may promise a someday, someday when it'll stop hurting and maybe we'll be different people. Someday doesn't come.

It never stops hurting. It dulls, it fades until you stop thinking about it every day, until other things are more important than that singular, cherished memory. It fades away, but it never dies. Like an old injury, aching in the cold, it acts up from time to time. A reminder of what you've done.

When I said I wouldn't stop loving you, I meant it.

May you both go in peace, and cherish the good times, and gloss over the bad, and live better lives.. But leave my memories intact. <3
wild_dreamer: (butterfly)
Thursday, August 27th, 2009 10:45 am
See the Dreamer, in the Dreaming
Watch her Wake to the sound of Screaming
Throat raw and Aching
her Heart is Breaking
See the Dreamer, watch her Falling
See her break; deny her Calling
Watch the Ticking
Clock is Ticking
Time is winding Out

See the Dreamer, back to Dreaming
Forever hears the sound of Screaming
the Heart is Aching
Her hands were Shaking
As the Dreamer, in her Dreaming
Found herself in silence Screaming
Clock is Shattered
Girl is Battered
Time has all run Out




Something changed, along the line. Beautiful, precious, loved. But no longer there.
We have different paths. I think it's time to listen with my heart, let you go to fly or falter on your own. I can feel your wings beating against my palms, struggling to be free. It's time to set you free from the gilded cage I've kept you in. I may not be here when.. nay, if you return, but I will always love you.

No matter how much you hurt me, I never wanted you to go.



As for everyone else...

If you want gone, turn and leave. I'm tired of people turning from me somewhere down the line, and I'm tired of trying. I won't keep you here if you're not interested in me for exactly who I am. If I have to change to make you happy, you can either deal with me as I am or get out of my sight. If I have to try too hard, I won't. No more promises, not now nor ever.

It hurts too much. Break my heart and set me free if you need to, but don't jerk me around by it anymore.

Nobody new. Nobody else.
wild_dreamer: (feminism - barefoot)
Tuesday, April 21st, 2009 09:35 am
Apparently the combination of large amounts of time left to my own devices, and recent time regularly spent keeping up with [livejournal.com profile] flawless_mask (because I want to, because I like to read when she writes, because I want to see more, know more about her. Now that she's writing, I think she's the only other person whose journal I'm actually reading with any regularity..) has left me wanting to write in my own journal.

It's interesting to realize that you're living your dreams, even more so to recognize that you're living someone else's. Not to the fullest extent, but then my dreams aren't fully realized yet either.

I'm sitting here, feeling both a sense of contentment, and a slowly growing sense of boredom and uselessness. I could be doing something. But this isn't my place, and I don't know exactly what I would do. I washed nearly all the dishes yesterday, did a quick vacuuming of whatever floor was available, and the couch to clear it of excess cat fur.

I have no tea.

This post is much more run-of-the-mind than even I usually do, I suppose.

So, anyways. I'm sitting here in James' apartment, having decided to spend my three days off from work here. What will I learn, living here more? I always find myself learning more about people when I start staying longer with them.

I found myself slipping, yesterday. I think I'm fine again this morning, *pauses as one of the cats murrs and demands her attention* ...though I'm feeling more tired and groggy than yesterday. I'm starting to wonder what will become of me come summertime, how I will be. Summer's been an especially tough time for me over the last few years.

He's so accommodating, he's so loving, I'm certain any issues there are can be worked out with nothing more than some conversation and time. I feel as though I'm living someone else's life.

Secretly, I wonder if, without my mother being who she is, I wouldn't have been in exactly the same situation as Zee. Fewer siblings, and I the eldest rather than the youngest. But nonetheless.

I wonder if that terrifying disorder could have been my own. I see traces of things in my own behaviour, catch myself wondering. When they're not always voluntary, when I have to fight so very hard to keep them under control sometimes.

Mayhaps, just a twist in my own thinking, but there it is. The potential. I wonder if the opposite could be true as well.

I only wish there was more that I could do for her, more that I could say to help. The best thing I can do is simply to be there, and to truly be there when she needs me most, difficult as that can sometimes be.

I can't imagine life without her now that I know her.

Okay, I can. But I don't really want to. She's one of those people in my life that makes me happy. One of the people that I want to have around for the rest of my life, and those are few and far between.

It's tough to type with a cat in your lap, especially a large one.

It's nice to know I'm accepted by the cats, now. They stayed in bed with me when James took his bath yesterday, both curled up on my chest, one beneath the covers and one above. Spike mostly doesn't hiss and spit and bite at me, now. When he does, it's generally because I've picked him up and thoroughly disgruntled him, and I laugh and put him down. He purrs for me, even when James isn't around; they both do.

Sassy mews for my attention, comes running over to get petted, and when I pick her up into my lap she cuddles, purrs, settles. After sticking her back claws into my legs a few times, of course, in the course of her getting comfortable.

I'm thinking I will go and get dressed, see about going down to the exercise room and playing around with the equipment for a little while, going for a walk. Doing something that isn't being cooped up inside, comfortable and cat-filled though that may be.
wild_dreamer: (Utena - revolution)
Wednesday, April 15th, 2009 11:43 pm
Soooo, for those of you who don't wait for my LJ to post my tweets at midnight;

You know that the universe is playing silly buggers around me tonight. I don't know what it is (and I'm sure there's things I'm forgetting to include) but tonight has been full of various sorts of fail, most of it ironic.

Most of it reasonably amusing. And cut for length, as this post got a little out of hand. )

I've now done enough babble for one night, I think; time for bed. Everyone else retired forever ago, I'm the only one left awake and it's about my bedtime. Goodnight, all. Love and kisses and well-wishes.
wild_dreamer: (Naruto - Badass ninja)
Tuesday, March 10th, 2009 05:44 pm
I am looking on Craigslist (preliminary search and all that) for (small) HOUSES.

Or 2+bdr apartments.

Within James' budget.

GYAAAHH. >.< I'm like, an ADULT NOW. And moving in with him! Soon. And OMG WHATDOIDONOWGUYS?!?!

*Flail!*

Aside from continue to gently nudge my Libra towards the actual "thinking about how this all needs to work" side of things, cause he's adorable and good with being reasonably practical but he fails a little bit at the planning things out in advance thing.

Or maybe I'm just a little over-exuberant?

I DON'T KNOW.

Capslock?! The capslock demons have eaten my brains, guys. SRSLY.

Waaauuuggghh.

Anyway. I'm trying to get ahold of him via text (why is his phone never charged or on him or.. GRAHH! Kick him and make him-- HAH. Text message!) to ask such important questions as "What exactly IS the budget?" and "What radius from your current location/job should I be looking in?" and "I really don't need to look at more than just the apartment complex you're already in, do I? But I want to anyway.."

HELP.

I'm trapped in an adult version of me and I wanna go play at the park instead. D=

I JUST DON'T KNOW. I AM SO IN DEEP SMIT. HALP.

*Waits for him to text her some more.*


By the way, guys, did I mention the bit where I feel like I've been replaced with a pod-person? I was on the phone with Zee the other day, last week sometime, and went to get my book out of the car.... and got distracted by sorting boxes in the living room, forgetting the book. WHUT. But hey, I sorted a box!

I've been slowly actually sorting my way through all the boxes I packed from Colorado and getting rid of things. Next up is cleaning out this damned rat's-nest of a room I've got, and packing up things (in a couple months I'll get to the packing, for now it's just the cleaning what needs done) to move out.

OH MI GAWD I'M MOVING OUT.

WITH JAMES.

My brain is running little rat circles. And he's being obstinate and difficult. D:<

I do not want to ask how much he makes because I'm sure I will feel sadly inferior.. but suddenly I am in charge of apartment budgeting (self appointed though it may be) and sort of budgeting for him now too since he's just admitted to me that he really isn't very good at it.

I suspected as much. He's fabulous at saving, since he doesn't generally buy expensive things, but when it comes to actually budgeting things he's a bit of a--...

Yup, the inferiority is setting in. Christ, he makes three times as much as I ever did in my little retail jobs.

COLLEGE IS NEXT PLZKTHX. So that I can (albeit eventually) pull my fair share of things.

Cause he shouldn't have to.

Even if he makes more than me.

WAUGH. FOR NOW. FOR NOW, I SAY!

I am so totally random and spazzing today.

I AM PLANNING A FUTURE WITH THIS MAN. WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?!

LIEK, SRSLY. MAKING A BUDGET.

I feel a little woozy now... somebody make me a drink!

A new drink. Because I'm not, actually, terribly fond of mimosas. So when I finish this, I shall have a peppermint hot chocolate to make me all warm and fuzzy, and return to PUTTERING and doing STUFF like sorting and budgeting and being a GROWN UP NOW ZOMG.

...I think I need to go call Em now, and spaz at her for a while. Possibly do things and stuff while I spaz.

'KAYLADY ILOVEYOU BUH-BYE!

/logout
wild_dreamer: (Utena - revolution)
Friday, January 9th, 2009 01:30 pm
So here I sit, with a mug of tea warming my hands, in a robe and a pair of sweatpants that used to belong to my first boyfriend. The crazy one. The one I fell in love with on a warm day, trapped in fear of his mother's wrath on the back stairs. Sneaking out, afraid of getting caught like it would mean our demise, like some kind of Romeo and Juliet scenario; I decided my thundering heartbeat and the clasp of my sweaty, fearful hand with his must mean I loved him.

Two years of a mistake made. Feels like every time I turned around there was a mistake with him, but none of them seen until it was way too late to save it. I remember the good times now and then, but more often than not I remember the bad. I remember being someone I never wanted to be, dating someone I never should have fallen in love with. The first days, weeks, maybe months, they were fabulous spent together. Exciting, new, sharp and I felt so alive. Reaching out for love, grasping at straws and smiling when I thought I'd found it.

Only to have it all crumble. So slowly, one thing at a time, until all that was left was two lonely children clinging to each other in fear of the unknown. Fear of alone. Fear of not being loved anymore, either one of us. But neither of us were, we were just dependent on one another for affection that we didn't know how to find anywhere else.

I was stronger. I walked away, not unbroken, but in the end I was tempered by it.

Every moment I remember is a warning bell going off, saying I should never have been so naive. Saying he should never have trusted me either, of course. But a lesson learned is hard forgotten if you take it to heart, and I raised my head and kept going. My soul is strong.

Years have passed, and the lesson still lingers, still stings now and then. It's an old wound that's healed long ago but still aches in the cold, in the bitterness of winter when I feel this deep loneliness settle in. The acrid heat of early autumn leaves me in a fit of bored depression, prone to lazing and sulking about, a dulling of the senses that always reminds me of the past. But winter's chill seeps into my bones and aggravates the loneliness with nobody to ward off the aching cold, nobody to curl against in the night.

Late autumn's crispness appeals to me; a bitter taste of death melting in the air, mingled with the incredible colors of the world's changing, making way for new and better things. Blanketing itself in a cold winter, closing its eyes to the pain and resting until it finds itself refreshed, renewed.

Spring has never looked so positive for me before. The awakening, Nature opening Her eyes to a new world, to new beginnings, taking a crisp, clean breath of fresh air. Learning to live again, learning to love anew, and just learning to breathe.

I breathe in the deep warmth of my tea, let it soothe me like the springtime that I know is to come. Close my eyes and reach, a tentative mental touch of warmth and solidity. He would never notice, blind and deaf to his own power and mine, but all the same his warmth is like the springtime sun, heating me through to the core and melting the walls of ice I've built up.

And I know that this warmth will last, and hope that I shall never feel the cold of my self-imposed winter again.

(Cont.?)
wild_dreamer: (behind the mask)
Thursday, January 1st, 2009 06:32 pm
Welcome to 2009, guys.

I got to watch my brother wipe the floor with everyone in a board game last night, curled up with my boyfriend and generally content.

And then I made breakfast this morning, hangover free by some miracle. ;3

Things are wonderful, and I fully intent to keep my resolution this year: I am going to be the best person I can be. Strive for the best, get myself towards organized, stick to my guns, and do things right. To the best of my ability, of course. I know I'm not perfect, and I don't expect to be, but I will try my hardest to be what I know I can be. To do what I know I'm capable of.

Whee, this is gonna be a good year, I can feel it. Deep breath, dive in.

♥ Have a good one, everybody.
wild_dreamer: (Default)
Tuesday, December 9th, 2008 11:30 am
Gah! Life, it gets so complicated when you have bills and are BARELY SQUEAKING BY. Dx

Or, occasionally, not even that. The rent check bounced (because I had checked the account, and the landlord hadn't cashed it yet! So I paid part of my phone bill knowing that I got paid and could deposit my paycheck the next morning. Need to see about this direct deposit thing.) and I paid a $25 dollar bounce fee, and am cringing as I wait for it to become dangerously close to that again.

Especially if LJ renews. Then I'm screwed. I'd be alright if I hadn't paid my roomie back immediately, or.. Well, if I hadn't gone out yesterday and spent some of that sweet money I had. That might have been better. As it is, after rent and before LJ's renew fee, I've got a total of about eight dollars in my bank. (ETA: Since my card numbers changed since LJ last had them, there will be no renewal until I get my next paycheck. Say byebye to my shiny paid account privleges for a while!)

Joy. And no way to get any extra until at least the weekend, unless I can beg Jess to loan me some of what I just gave her back. e.e;


On the other end of things, outside of finances, I'm doing incredibly well. Though there is a heartbroken and sick Jess to take care of, most of my friends seem to be in good, or at least better, places this holiday season.

I'm looking forward to a real holiday, though I may have no presents for anyone (and that's tough, for me.. I really want to have gifts for my boyfriend's family this year, and it just isn't feasible on my budget) at least I will have a family to spend it with.

Dear god, I am really and truly serious about this. About him. He still makes me smile. His family is incredible, and accepts me and likes me. My mom likes him, (and that's a first!) enough to allow him to stay over every now and again. I plan on not taking too much advantage of her generousity, though. =] It's a hard-earned privilege, but one only to be used in dire circumstances. =P

In any case, I'm starting to contemplate what it would be like, could be like, living with him. And alternating between completely content with everything after a weekend with him, and vaguely lonely because I'm so far away again. This kind of sucks.


I've forgotten what else I was going to say, having gotten a sleepy Jess on me and many other distractions since beginning this. I had to shower, for I have a somewhat unexpected work night tonight.. and oh, the joy that will be had when I tell my boss that she can't really switch up my schedule anymore because I've given availability to my second job in order to make enough money to get by.

Which will only help after a few weeks, when I actually start bringing in two paychecks. =D

Anyways, time to get dressed and brush my hair, and get all off to work now.
wild_dreamer: (xkcd - grown-up/ball pit)
Sunday, July 13th, 2008 11:03 am
...A rose.

He's freakin' allergic to flowers, as evidenced even Friday night at the [livejournal.com profile] s00j show when someone tossed fresh flowers down in front of Sooj (we were in front, on the floor...) and he started getting all headache-and-eyewater until we left an hour later. But! he still bought me a rose yesterday.

For no reason at all.

Have I mentioned that I am MADLY IN LOVE right now?

Also, SOOJ IS THE AWESOMEST THING OF AWESOME THAT THERE EVER WAS IN ALL THE HISTORY OF AWESOME.

Vixy ([livejournal.com profile] vixyish) and Tony ([livejournal.com profile] tfabris) are damn cool too. And Betsy ([livejournal.com profile] stealthcello) is WIN on the cello, as always.

I could die of the happy going on right now. So much happy.

And then there's my birthday coming up and everything. I'm gonna beg off next Sunday from my boss so I get to go see Sooj again, at a bigger venue, with hopefully more of my darling people (KK, I'm making you come with if I go, and making you go if I can't. D< ) and just as much fun as always.

Srsly. Life is win right now.
wild_dreamer: (Naruto - Badass ninja)
Tuesday, July 1st, 2008 09:37 pm
When life is going so well, who needs to remember to update their LJ? Apparently not me. XP

Everything is going SMASHINGLY right now. I'm content in my life. I'm talking to [livejournal.com profile] eccentric_alex on a very regular basis again, I have a steady boyfriend who makes me very very very happy.

Cut for length... )
I do believe I've babbled enough for one night, especially since most of it came back to the lovely new man in my life. x3 I'm gonna hit the hay and get some beauty sleep before I open again at work tomorrow.

Ja matta ne, Minna-san! [Talk to you later, Everyone!]

P.S. He's totally a PC. XD <3 Ja!
wild_dreamer: (Default)
Thursday, May 29th, 2008 12:29 pm
Much is right in my world.

An evening spent relaxing does wonders, don't you think?

KK came and met me at work, spent a few hours curled in the corner conversing with me and a few of my customers even, and then took me home.

We went by the store, picked up things for dinner.

Came home, and we made a lovely steak dinner, with steamed broccoli and cheap betty crocker potatoes au gratin from a box. A glass of wine, cut with juice, for each of us.

And then we curled up on the couch and watched Treasure Planet until we fell asleep there, and stayed asleep there all night.

It was just... incredible. No stressing, no nothing. No worries about getting up this morning, because we both have the day off. No interruptions from 'Kaasan or the Child, as they're on a field trip this week. We've been listening to [livejournal.com profile] s00j's music all morning. <3

My life seems to be settling into a comfortable happiness. Niisan is coming to visit soon (nine days! Eeeeeee!) and spending a whole ten days here, eight of which I have guaranteed off. It'll be incredibly fun to spend so much time with him, and we can wander around the city and just.. be. As well as laze about a bit together, have some fun in his hotel, and such like. x3

I've finally found someone who understands most clearly, who is truly an adult about the relationship we have, though how long that will last I'm unsure, but I do truly care.

I'll take every day as it comes. He loves me, and I... yes, I love him as well, though I've not the courage to say so to him. He smiles and is understanding, and speaks his mind more often than not. He is honest and sweet, and I am thoroughly twitterpated. He doesn't mind that I am open with my heart, that I love easily and many.

He makes me want to turn and run, sometimes, when he speaks his mind and says he's so enamored of me, says he doesn't want to let me go and will never want anyone but me. It makes me pull inside myself when I'd rather open up. It scares me, and makes me want to run away, hide my heart and not ever let anyone find me and who I truly am, not ever. Because I'm so afraid to hurt him later on, so scared to reach that point where my fear of commitment takes over and I trash everything out of a panicked, irrational fear.

I'm already seeing the edges of it, here. So I'll close my eyes and breathe, and take every day as it comes to me. Enjoy the time with him. Communicate my hopes, dreams, fears, open my heart to him the way he has opened his to me, and maybe learn to trust again.

Back to the happy, I have four days in a row off this weekend, and so KK and I are going to clean the kitchen and shower and then run around town today. We'll meet up with Kaiba-san and her boyfriend to wander the waterfront tomorrow, and possibly James when he's off work as well.

And then Saturday is a date day, James and I are going to the zoo together. x3

Sunday, I've no idea yet. Maybe just another day to relax before I work all of next week. We shall see.

I'm happier than I've been in a long, long time.
wild_dreamer: (Naruto - horrors of fanfic)
Saturday, May 3rd, 2008 08:52 am
My brain just created the most convoluted and frankly interesting dream in the history of ever.

Which appears to have combined elements from Angel Sanctuary, Death Note, Firefly?, and something odd and entirely other.

I'll tell what I can remember... )

Welcome to my wacky brain, ne.

(tags pending!)
wild_dreamer: (that girl)
Thursday, April 10th, 2008 10:39 pm
Cut for length: Zee and I have a serious heart to heart, via YIM. )

It feels really really nice to have someone confirm that I really am helping. That I matter, on a personal level. Because for all the crazybeans that she is, I love this woman to pieces. I do not want to have her crazy children, I do not want to have a romantic relationship with her (she's far more needy than I could deal with as a girlfriend), none of that. I just want to treat her the way I think she deserves to be treated; much better than she has been. And I just want to love her and be there for her, as long as she needs me.

I'm proud of both of us, really. She's been so broken, and been through so much... and she's finally getting better. And I'm.. I'm helping her. I really, truly am. Simply by being there, I'm helping. It makes me so happy...

*Contently smiles, and drifts off to catch the sleep she needs before work tomorrow.*
wild_dreamer: (xkcd - grown-up/ball pit)
Thursday, February 28th, 2008 01:07 pm
In honor of my current state of mind... There is Musicspam ahead... )

I think I like this feeling. My surface isn't as calm as I'd like it to be, but my centre is centered. That's it, exactly. I'm actually -centered- now. I've always been pretty grounded, but the last few years threw even that askew and left me grasping for solidity.

I'm centered, but maybe not so grounded right now, because I feel like I'm flying. *Laughter.* One out of two ain't bad. I'm so happy right now, even when I'm exhausted and cranky. I'm PMSing for certain, and muttering angrily under my breath on a regular basis, but when I'm happy I'm just so exceedingly content that it overwhelms everything else.

Can this last for the rest of ever? Please, let it last.

I'm in love with life itself. It's the best feeling ever.
wild_dreamer: (b&w lost girl)
Wednesday, January 16th, 2008 06:36 pm
It started as an introspective moment, and just kept going.

From lights to wheels on the road... )