Sweetie, you realize, right, that people much older than you (many who are even twice your age) don't yet know who they want to be? Don't rush that knowledge; don't push it. Let it come to you. It will.

Also? You could never be the bad things he was, so don't even worry about it. Embrace the good stuff, make the first move to find a relationship with him if that's what feels right to you, and keep living your life. You've done a damn good job of that for the past 19+ years, I don't imagine you're going to do anything but get better at it as time goes on. *hugs*