Best to be the Changing Water

ramblings

2023-07-11T18:53:11Z

It's been so hard to get through this. Broken promise after broken promise; and now I'm blocked on everything with no way to reach out. I miss you so badly.

It's a shame you just keep running away from your feelings. You can run to booze, to weed, to another person, but you won't be happy until you focus on yourself first.

I know it was probably rude of me to say what I said, but it was the truth, and you could have said something instead of just straight up blocking my number. I told you time and again that all you had to do was tell me to leave you alone. But once again, instead of talking to me, sounding out your feelings and possibly working through the issues, you just turned tail and ran.

I never knew you were such a coward.

I think I'm finally starting to get over it though. I'm still hurting, still wounded and angry, still resentful and yet somehow hopeful. And I still love you, because I always will. Some part of me is still holding out hope for our friendship, but it's wilting under the pressure of your silence.

How could you be so cold?

I thought I knew you, but I guess I only ever knew a little bit; I understood how deep your heart runs but not how easily you could give up on someone.

You told me once that you wanted me to be a part of your life forever, the same as I wanted you. You promised me a friendship beyond measure. And you promised that even if we broke up it wouldn't change our friendship. But you lied.

How many lies did you tell me? How often was it the alcohol talking, Dranky at the wheel?

Do you remember the day we sat on the back swing at my haunted house and you told me I deserved someone who would take care of me? That I too deserved to be saved, loved, supported? and I told you I had someone in mind but I was scared they couldn't handle me.... and I was right. You couldn't handle me when I got carried away, when I let the blind love take me like waves and pull me under. You couldn't take care of me, because you couldn't even take care of yourself enough.

Maybe my mistake was trying to take care of you. Maybe I should have just let you carry me, floated on the current and believed you'd hold me up.

Then again, I'm drowning now, so who's to say you wouldn't have let me go anyway, too far out to save.

Who is supposed to save me now?

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new pains and old ones

2023-07-01T23:18:18Z

My dog smacked his head into my face today and slammed my piercing into my teeth and lip-- and all I could think about was our first kiss.

You, drunk and giddy, and me full of butterflies as you grabbed my face, and the first one was too fast, too hard, bounced my bar off my teeth and made me pout-- the second one was softer, but the look in your eyes felt broken.

I want to cry, just thinking about how many kisses I never got from you, how many times I should have held you closer, how scared I was to overstep your boundaries and so I let you make all the moves. Except for that one night, and all the things I wished I could do to you, for you, but never got close enough for.

You never did let me in.

And now, now you've shut me out completely-- did our friendship really mean so little to you, in the end? Because it meant the world to me.

Maybe I built it up in my own head too much, maybe I moved too fast. Maybe this was inevitable.

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be happy?

2023-05-09T00:38:47Z

You said I could tell you all my feelings, tell you anything and you’d never love me any less. So I showed you my heart, deep in the part where I kept all the ways I worried about you. Now you’re gone, and the hole it left as the tide came in has weighed me down as surely as my own inability to swim.

I fucking miss you so much I’d rather not exist than go through all of this, I’d prefer to be an entire cosmos spinning full of stardust just waiting to become something again.

I never meant to do you harm, but I know I said everything all wrong. I don’t expect forgiveness for slipping into old bad habits, but I am sincerely sorry.

I will keep my promise to love you endlessly, lover friend or absentee, no matter what you tell me or where our journeys go.

Find your happy. 🖤 Not anyone else’s.

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You know what?

2023-05-09T00:33:59Z

You want the pure, unadulterated truth, no soft touch or feelings spared? I said yes when you asked me out against my own better judgement; yes I cared and yes I thought you were sweet and cute and maybe it was worth a shot, and would be nice to be in a cute quad polycule with all four of us. But it turns out I should have listened to my gut feelings a lot more.

It’s still true that it was never about the money; yes I was panicking and brainstorming trying to come up with a solution to my problem, scared of ending up homeless with my cats, and I wanted so badly to have us all living peaceably in one place. I’m sorry if it was too much too fast. I wanted better things for all of us.

But I was never into you the way I am into [babe], the way I’m into [redacted]. Our connection was shallow at best, and the reason I texted [redacted] every day and not you was because I fucking wanted to. Because I had built up a connection, built up a daily habit of messaging him, built a relationship with him. Maybe even, I’ll admit, a little bit of an obsession with him. Love is not a zero sum game; polyamory even less so. I don’t expect anyone to love me the same as they love anyone else, I don’t expect to be an equal to everyone else in my partners’ lives. I loved him more. And that’s okay.

I probably should have told you straight up at the time, but I didn’t want to hurt your feelings (when you asked me out, or when you complained about our lack of connection) because I did care. It’s still true, and always was, that you and me had the same level of connection throughout our relationship: very little. I wanted you to be happy, as I wanted all of us to be happy.

And all I got out of it was stabbed in the back. Jealousy is unbecoming, and is something I’ve never tolerated well.

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I'll think of you, always,

2023-05-09T00:31:39Z

I’ll think of you
I’m lost in the pursuit of our finality

I wish I could stop wasting energy on you. I wish I could get you to stop taking up real estate in my heart and my head. I wish I could just be fucking okay again, because I haven’t been since that day.

I’ve never wanted to turn back time so I could choose to not date someone before. Even the worst shitty relationships I’ve been in had some kind of lesson for me to learn, something that left me better off in the long run. This… just left me empty.

Offhand, I said something the other day about “still not over him” to [Babe] and his response was “I know; I can tell. You haven’t been yourself.”
I can’t *be* a me without you as a friend. I have to rewrite my whole self again if I want to let go.

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My Ocean

2023-05-09T00:29:41Z

My ocean
Is a darker, colder one than yours
Full of mystery
And icy depths
And sudden drop offs.

Your ocean is warm
Inviting, crystal blue
and white sand beaches
Full of shells and sunlight
And dreams of buoyancy

Here the mermaids grin
with mouths full of sharpness
Like the broken edges
Of the shells scattered
on the rocky shores

They will pull you under
like currents
And devour
Your heart
in the darkness

This is not our fairy tale
and my castles were white sand
Soft under the sun
Until the tide came in
and swept them back
From whence they came

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burning bridges

2023-05-09T00:23:21Z

I thought I could love you better
Turns out I’m just like all the rest
I’m not the best
Just another broken heart
In your collection of
Friends for fair weather
Another bridge burning in the night
But I’ll stay burning for a while
Like a beacon lighting
The way for you to come home
Because if home is where the heart is
Then you always have a place here
In the fire you built
When you burned mine down

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ramblings and tattoos

2023-05-09T00:21:14Z

I said
“I wanna see you thrive,
Not just survive”
And something between us died

The monsters in our heads
Got the best of us and
Came between forever and today

Questions left unanswered
Messages unread
A cry for help still sinking
Left unsaid

Mama didn’t raise no quitter
So I don’t know when to cut my losses
Cut you loose
Stitch up this hole in my heart
And move on

Half a tattoo
Inked by hand
A reminder of what
we could have had

This permanent ache
Left behind
In the wake
Of your fleeting
Drunken
Love

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Flight

2023-05-09T00:18:22Z

Because pointing out the truth is taboo
Asking questions is for the weak
“Haven’t you learned to read my mind?
Can’t you see I don’t want to hear it?”

Running on the fumes of false promises and fake dreams
Trying to build a castle from the ground up while the sand dries and crumbles in your wake, unseen
Under phantom touches and the trembling of your hands
Shaking from the weight of the world
The thunder of your footfalls when you
Inevitably
stumble
And what’s left of slow built foundations
Erode away with the crash of waves
you’ve never touched
You never will
sneaking up behind you
They pull you under
Fill your lungs
And
You
Don’t
Fight

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if wishes were fishes

2023-05-09T00:16:14Z

I wish…
I could just erase the last year, go back to March of last year and start over so I never make the stupid mistakes and maybe I wouldn’t screw everything up. Maybe we would still be friends. Maybe you would still talk to me.

I hate this. I hate that I can’t get you out of my head, I hate how much I hate myself for it. I just wish I could start over.

I wanted it for so long, but I should have just left it alone. I should have just crushed on you forever, because that was better than this sinking feeling of failure and rejection. Hell, even just rejection couldn’t kill my spark, but now I feel like the last coal smoldering in a wet fire pit, just waiting for my end as everything cools and crackles around me.

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I can't do this

2023-05-09T00:11:56Z

How
am I meant
to move on
when I’m stuck
in my head with you
and the feelings
years in the making
yours
for the taking
so you took
and you gave
but in the end you only
brought me
one step closer to the grave
one more broken promise
in a ruined castle
gone to seed
(just left to rot)
because I forgot
to build
the walls
that would keep it
a dream
instead of a waking
Nightmare

Where
my cat is dying
and
you aren’t my friend
and
I can’t get to sleep anymore
and
it
never
ends

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Eugh

2022-10-23T15:59:51Z

I feel like such a wreck. I still don’t know what I did that was worth throwing our whole friendship away.

I showered last night, for the first time in… nine days? Wasn’t until I pumped the soap into my scrubbie that it clicked: my soap is coconut, like my sunscreen, and it makes me think of beaches and you.

I lay awake at night, body exhausted and ready for sleep, eyes tired, brain wired and spinning a mile a minute with thoughts of you. Wishing, wondering, and digging at the wound in my heart like I can somehow carve those four months out of it and start again.

Also I think my cat is dying. He’s technically a senior cat now, nearly twelve (if his paperwork was accurate) and has been hyperthyroid for years now. I started treating him with cbd when I couldn’t afford the compound lotion I had to dose in his ears (which he hated, loathed, could taste, and despised) when I could hardly remember to do it twice a day let alone find him and struggle with him to get it done. He improved, drastically, seemed in less pain from his hips, lost a lot of the swelling and water weight.

This year he went from probably 18-20lbs of cat… to maybe 11-12lbs. I think he just.. stopped eating the dry food. He’s peeing a TON, he looks old man skinny, when I give him his treats laced with cbd he acts like he’s starving. I’ve been supplementing with wet food, picked up broth, picked up wet treats, anything to get calories in him. He also suddenly lost a ton of fur down his back when I brushed him one day, and his back was scaly/scabby… we’ve gone back to full grain free food, he got a bath with oatmeal and aloe shampoo, and he improved, but I’m still scared I’m gonna wake up and find him gone one day and I don’t know if I can handle that right now.

He’s been so much more affectionate. He laid down with his paws and chest on my outstretched hand yesterday and purred himself to sleep— terrifying me in the process when his head did the sleepy kitten trick and just BONK right into my hand. Of course, then he came up in my lap and decided to pee on me when he woke up, so it’s a mixed bag.

I’m so extra depresso it’s not even funny right now, and we’re just heading into SAD season to boot. I wish I could disappear, become someone else, somewhere else, or even just stop existing for a while. Existence requires too much upkeep. There’s all these things to do, this body to look after, these feelings like waves crashing over my head that won’t let me come up for more than a gasp at a time. Work to make money to keep a roof over me and mine, keep food in our bellies, keep gas in our cars, just live in this capitalist world. No energy for hobbies or even chores. I just want to turn my body over to someone else to run for a while, take a vacation via astral projection.

Yeet my consciousness into space, free me from the bondage of being human.

Don’t worry, I’m not dying anytime soon

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Loss pt 2

2022-09-03T01:30:17Z

The hole in my life that you left behind is full of saltwater. I can’t think about the ocean without thinking about you. I can’t think about making jewelry with the shells from our trip without thinking of you. I can’t listen to…almost all of my music, without thinking about you. I can’t think about ‘vu without thinking about you. I can’t think about computers without thinking of you and the one I built you. I can hardly breathe without thinking about you. It hurts.

I wonder if you even still use that pc. I wonder if you’ll give it to her when she visits, wipe it clean and let her take it home so she has a way to be online with you. I wonder if you still have the backgrounds I made, if you look at them and think of us.

I wonder if you cried as hard as I did when you let me go.

All the things I said that day, everything I wanted… I would have understood if you had said you needed time. They were only wants, not needs. I’m used to wanting and not getting what I want. But when I needed you the most, you ran away instead. Because I needed you to stay. I needed you to understand that it was just an overflow of feelings, that it was me opening my heart because I love you, that it was just me answering the question that you asked… and that it was never meant to be immediate.

But I should have never even answered you. Because I need you in my life more than I wanted those things.

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Loss

2022-09-02T22:03:31Z

I miss you every day. It’s only been two weeks and you’re still constantly on my mind, even if you’ve gone out of your way to disappear from my life.

I have so many feelings still. Betrayal, anger, sadness.

You promised when we got together that it wouldn’t affect our friendship if we broke up. Apparently you lied. You even said when we were breaking up that you wanted to stay friends, and then you blocked me on every platform we both shared.

I feel sure I know your reasons; I’m sure you feel like you’re protecting yourself. I’m sure she told you it was for the best, too. All I ever wanted for you was happiness, so I hope she makes you happy.

I still think she drove a wedge between all of us. I think she was jealous, and wanted you for herself. I know she didn't understand that there can be different levels of affection and connection in a poly group; I know L and I didn't connect with her on the same level we connected with you. I know she stepped in where it wasn't her place, too.

I'm still upset that it was so easy to break us. I thought we were stronger than that. I thought we could handle a little stress, work it out; I thought I could tell you all my feelings and you'd at least recognize that I was feeling upset. I was clearly wrong. It feels like I was wrong about so many things with you.

The only thing I know wasn't wrong was my love for you.

But if I could go back in time, I don't know whether it would be to go back and never ask you out in the first place, or just to go back to that day and keep my fool mouth shut. Even if I was just tightly wound and wanting more than I knew you had to give, worried for your health and safety, wanting the best for you.

I thought I was meant for you. I thought you would have my back, love me the way I love you.

I forgot that the arrangement was that it was my turn to be saved, not to try and save you.

I thought you could handle me. I thought you were stronger. I thought you were going to be a part of my life, a part of my future. I believed in you, in us. I believed you when you said you wanted to come out and visit, when you said you maybe wanted to come live out here with us someday. I was a fool, but I believed.

I built castles in the sky based on it, and when they came crashing down it left a ruin in my heart that will remain, a temple to the things that could have been.

You never meant to visit us, did you? You never meant to move. You just couldn't tell us, didn't want to disappoint us.

The same way you couldn't tell me when I had done something that upset you.

You told me you were dealing with "personal issues" and now I know-- no, I only suspect, but we're too much the same for it to be otherwise-- that those things were hurt feelings that were my fault. But you couldn't tell me that. You couldn't say anything that might hurt me, until it was too late and you said the things that would not only hurt but crush me. You never even really said goodbye.

Maybe that's what hurts the most. You couldn't be fucking bothered to tell me goodbye, to let me know you weren't coming back. You've left me with the faintest shred of hope for our friendship, waiting for the day you come back again. Which I will, because I've always been stupid for you.

I waited five whole years for a chance to be yours, and after four months of bliss, excitement, dreams... it's all gone. Worse than never getting my chance, I had it and I blew it and I lost you completely.

I miss your friendship most of all.

I try to live without regrets, but this... I know I'll regret this for a long time. Not giving you my heart, no; I could never regret that. Even if it still hurts, even if I still want to cry over the loss, even if I'm absolutely blindsided and crushed by how it turned out. But I regret that day. I wish I could take it all back and start over.

Yesterday, I found the one place you never blocked me for certain. Not that you ever answered me there to begin with, and I'm sure you're still on my friend list only because you use it so infrequently that you've forgotten it exists. But I can't help wanting to reach out, even if I know it's an exercise in futility, just to apologize and tell you I miss you. I won't, because I know you don't want to hear from me again. But I want to.

I still watch your posts on an alt account, just to know you're alive. Hoping that you've found peace. Wishing for the day that you come back to be my friend again. I won't reach out there, because I know that if I do I'll lose the last thread connecting us.

I haven't been on 'vu (save to check my inbox, to message with Rain) since you left. There's nobody there anymore except her, without you. L is here, Bec left us for SL, and everyone else I consider an actual friend hasn't been on in so long they may as well be gone completely. I couldn't even bring myself to log on to my laptop except to close everything related to the game and shut it back up.

I still think about you every single day. You're on my mind so much it drives me crazy. I spend so much time wishing I could wipe the slate clean and start all over. Wondering if maybe I should have begged you to stay, instead of just bowing my head and accepting it. The ache in my heart is constant.

I feel abandoned. The worst thing I could ever be, the voices in my head reminding me that nobody but me is really there at the end of the day. A reminder that I can't rely on anyone else, and a hard lesson in building castles that I thought were safe to build. They never are. Built on faulty foundation, made of sand and forever waiting for the tide to come in.

You couldn't even tell me why you left. I know I was overwhelming, in that moment. But that can't have been all, there must have been more, and my mind is twisting searching for wrongs I've done that left me deserving this. I must deserve it, or you'd still be here. I must have been so wrong for you. I must have been truly awful, for you to feel the need to block me and run.

But on the other hand, how was I to know? Maybe that's just who you are, always running from your problems instead of facing them. Maybe I was insignificant in the grand scheme, just another complication you didn't want anymore, to be discarded. Maybe you did lie to me all along when you said you loved me, though I find it hard to believe. Maybe you did lie when you said you wanted me, to protect my feelings. Maybe you told L the truth when you said you and he had more connection than you and I; he noticed it on our trip (and so did I but I thought I was just imagining it until he said something), but maybe even that was a lie.

Maybe that's why we never hooked up, really, never got beyond the petting. Maybe you didn't really want me that way, maybe you lied when I asked how you felt. Maybe we really were just both too shy, and caught in bad timing all the rest of the time. Maybe you only wanted me when you were drunk.

And who knows how often you were blackout drunk when we spoke, how much of what you said to me was forgotten in the haze of alcohol and sleeplessness. Who knows how many feelings were just fueled by booze, regretted and forgotten by the morning. You're too good at hiding when you're drunk, and I find myself wondering if I could ever trust anything you didn't tell me sober to my face.

But the way you looked at me when we were together, the ways I caught you staring in the rearview... these are the things that come back to me, that sit in my mind shattering the pieces of my heart one by one until I'm crying all over again. I haven't cried this much or this hard since Waifu and I broke up. I'm grateful to be able to cry, to not be numb, but I'm so tired of the ache in my chest.

And if you ever do come back to be my friend... I know I could never ask you about any of this. It would become taboo, a frozen chunk of time that we never speak about, that I never ask about, for fear of you leaving again. I would just have to swallow my feelings, choke on the questions and tears, and wait for the inevitable point of leaving again. Because if you've done it once... well, I'm sure you know where I'm going with that sentiment.

But I would still take that, and your friendship, over this empty space in your absence.

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civic duties

2020-02-22T03:49:08Z

I fulfilled my civic responsibilities, and got Babe and Weirdo's done at the same time. <3 #revolutionisnow and the system can be changed. I don't usually (probably haven't ever) talk politics here, but we are just one election away from living under a regime, in one of those dystopian novels you had to read in school.

hell. naw.

We are the kids who grew up on revolution, don't forget it. we can change the world <3 #bernieorbust

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chaos, as always

2020-02-14T06:34:07Z

Bast help us, Waifu has a shopping problem. Can't say I'm surprised, it's one thing she's always been good at, but we have amazon packages come every day. When we get a house, she can build a damn cat fort with them, but for now it's just amassing clutter in an already overcrowded home~.

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when is it my turn

2019-10-01T02:35:20Z

things have been

a roller coaster, really.

cars breaking down, bad days, better days, new cars, tight budgets, the list could go on and on

but today

is just one of those days

why is it that whenever i actually need someone, they aren't there? When all i want to do is come home, crawl into babe's lap, and cry until i fall asleep... and he's out on fun adventures. wants to know if i wanna come with. no, i already told you i would need extra love today... but you aren't even here to give it. i'd rather be alone than go out in public

in case i start crying again

because i can't wear this mask any more today. things can't be "just fine" or even "okay" today. I want nothing more than to just curl up and cry my heart out. I'd rather do it on your shoulder, but... i'll do it in my car instead. I'll do it curled up in the middle of this empty bed, over my laptop keys, huddled in a hoodie in the dark.

but god i wish you were here to hold me

because i feel like every time i really need someone

there's never anyone there

maybe it's just because i'm picky about who i'll cry in front of.

maybe it's because my expectations are too high

maybe it's because i don't ask you to be here

because i would rather not bring you down

you were having fun

without my sad ass

i only have myself, in the end

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pissed off

2019-07-02T06:50:44Z

Man, I just can't catch a break. Every time I start getting on my feet another wave comes and knocks me down again.

Ask for motivation to clean and organize, and the universe grants it... but not in the way I want. I need E N E R G Y fuckyouverymuch, not DISASTERS.

A couple weeks ago (ish? time is relative) our hall light fixture started pouring water. Turns out the upstairs neighbor fell asleep filling the tub to clean something-or-other, and flooded everything. So my hallway got emptied... and luckily everything dried and came out okay and all, but man it was a pain in the ass for the day. We got a new fixture, there's a titty light in my hallway now that is AS BRIGHT AS THE SUN, all is well.

This morning, Babe found bedbugs. (one of my work clients had them and I thought I'd managed to avoid bringing them home but I GUESS NOT)

Any of you who know me know that my room is in a constant state of floordrobe. We currently have a laundry backup anyway because we've been lazy and tired and sore and depressed and ugh.

But this means EVERYTHING needs washed.

E V E R Y T H I N G.

Clean clothes are gonna go through the dryer only, everything dirty and all the bedding is gonna go through wash and dry, I'm buying spray, my cats need flea treatment anyway, and I know how to deal with them... but this was NOT how I wanted to get organized. And it's gonna cost me money that I don't have to spare right now.

I'm glad I'm stocked up on advil, though, cause it sounds like we're gonna need it. *sigh*

On top of all this chaos, Waifu comes home from her TDY on Friday, there's a fireworks and fun party with my pirate crew on Saturday night, Pride is Sunday, and Babe works all weekend.

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mood scribbles

2019-05-21T03:32:56Z

i dunno what I wanted to write, I'm just in a Mood To Write

wanted to type, to tell some kind of story

Guess I'll update my journal lol

I feel like I've lost some important things in the process of Growing Up that I miss. And the depression and anxiety and all of it has just eaten away at me until I'm a shell of what I used to be, more often than not.

I can't stand my job because I border on unnecessary in a strange way; there's so much time where I do nothing, or very little, and I know for the people I work for I do a lot, and they value the time and energy I put in, but there is so. much. down. time.
But I love my job because I'm a caregiver by nature, and I am helping people, and it's mostly easy on my body; there's a lot of down time and easy work. I enjoy the people I get to know (mostly).
i
Contradictions. Mentally I want something challenging, but I don't know what that means anymore with how addled my brains feel like they've gotten. Physically I want something challenging, but my chronic health problems there create this Venn diagram of things I feel like I could do in the tiniest center sliver of near statistical insignificance-- okay, maybe not that bad but it was fun to write.

And I have a hard time working on getting better physically, because of where I am mentally, and it turns into the sneaky spiral of exhausted give-no-fucks.

Which is basically where I spend my time, either giving zero fucks or giving too many fucks, with no comfortable middle ground. What middle ground there is, is spent on things I wish I could either give less fucks about or have the energy to do something about the fucks I do give about them. UGH.

I feel like an absolute wreck any time I stop to think about it. The inside of my head is a mess as bad as the one I live in (or worse) and I hate it.

I have zero defined characters I can "drop into" like I used to. I have no motivation. I have no energy. I have no inspiration. I love to write, to doodle, to ride a bike, to run, to play, to dance, to read books... But even those things still feel outside of my grasp. Honestly this journaling has been the most writing I've done (except occasional RP on imvu) in far too long. Thinking about it makes me want to cry.

I don't feel unhappy, though. I feel happy, most of the time, with what I do have. With the things that I do do. I listen to music, I watch some TV or video games, I cuddle with Babe. These things are good.

And honestly, I don't hate cleaning. Like, when I'm in a mood to do it, I even usually enjoy it. I feel satisfied when I make a difference at the end. Some of it is tedious (especially organizing!) but a job well done is still well done and satisfying. It's all about the starting, usually. Hell, even when I don't enjoy it I'm honestly pretty ambivalent about it. So why is it so damn hard to start?

I told Waifu once that I follow the path of least resistance. I need direction, engagement, external force exerted in order to make things happen. Once they become routine, it's easier: because I trained my cat to annoy me at bedtime until I get my meds and then feed her, she gets fed and I get my meds at approximately the same time every evening. But until then, until I have a consistent force to set a routine, I live by the path of least resistance. And it's... probably not good, actually.

I just don't know what to do about it right now.

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at least if I leave it here it's somewhere

2019-04-29T05:20:21Z

Things I want to accomplish (probably not in this order):

get all my books packed up and into storage (mid-low level priority)

wash and repair garb for eventing season (high level priority; time constraint)

find and pack garb/accessories/jewelry for eventing season (high level priority; time constraint; dependent)

*nicely* pack Waifu's crap *organized and labeled* for storage (very low priority; strange time constraint; circumstance dependent)

Fix Babe's laptop situation (mid level priority; downtime intensive [downloads/updates/install/transfer files/etc])

Nurse delegation training (very high level priority; time intensive; due in four days)

get all my paperwork sorted and scanned (low level priority; time intensive)

and a bunch of other stuff but here's that brain dump anyway

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A day in the life of auditory processing issues

2019-04-10T04:00:57Z

Babe: I'm gonna go take an advil
Me: What? now?
Babe: wtf??! *eyes me sideways*
Me: ..."take an advil".
Babe: ..Yes..?
Me: I heard "take a nap now"? but.. yeah. Got it now.
Babe: ...

hello, delayed auiditory processing and correction, how are you today? XD

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anxiety is a bitch

2019-03-31T07:14:59Z

Maybe if I put it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to
cause these words are my diary screamin out loud and it feels like i'm naked in front of the crowd

close enough anyway. I'm so stressed today about all kinds of shit so I might as well get it off my mind.

There are things I need to do to get my mental health on track. Some I know, some I don't.

I need to get my physical health back on track too. I'm doing good about taking my pills at night, but my sleep schedule is for shit and my morning meds are all over the place half the time.

I want to work out, or at least just get moving more often and with some kind of regularity. Martial arts classes are my "ideal" solution (scheduled, consistent, etc) but they cost $$ which we will be getting to. Babe has a gym membership, at least, so we can go do that when he's willing/available. Still doesn't put me in a scheduled place though.

I need to get on a schedule with chores during the week so we can keep up with maintenance once they get back to baseline. They need to get to baseline first, which is weekend chores. I can't live in a place this cluttered, but the gross mess stuff needs to get dealt with. I have a sudden understanding of why my grandparent's house was always just a little grimy; grandma didn't have the ability to keep up with everything and work.

I feel like work always has to come first because without it we have no money to take care of ourselves and the rest of the things. But my body and mental state means if I work hard enough to support myself financially, I have no energy left over to take care of anything else.

it's like this complicated web woven to catch me mid-net and twist around me, holding me in place against my will.

Work, chores, declutter, work out, enjoy life, relax. how many of them can I actually sustain? How do I get past the depression, the anxiety, the ADHD that leaves me in a complicated mess of "I should be" and "I wish I could" that always culminates in "...but I'm not" or "...but instead here I am scrolling facebook again" and I'm just as tired of that as everything else.

how do I get my poor brain working on a regular basis again? my body to sustainably not ache and cooperate with my need to do things? my wallet to not be a constant disappointment?

ugh.

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bleh

2019-03-26T07:51:04Z

My knuckle/wrist still hurts from that punch, and when I whine about it Babe just looks at me and says "what did we learn?" "...not to punch walls v.v"

Sooooooo I'm gonna hit up the ER after work today and see if I actually fractured something or if it's just bruised and slow to heal.

Otherwise things seem to be settling down and Waifu is taking better care of herself in some ways, but I worry that her "loneliness" is driving her to do stupid manic things, those risky behaviours in search of attention and affection that were once exciting now worrisome because I can't trust other people and I don't want to see her get hurt or worse.

I want her to know I've got her back, that she can call me in an emergency like always, but... idk.

I think I'm also gonna poke more of our friends and tell them to harass her to hang out more, spend time with familiar people, get love and support from them. I know she won't do it on her own.

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dark

2019-03-20T07:43:59Z

i miss roleplaying Akito

when people know what to expect in the way of abuse it's easier to let it out safely

I have that dark streak, full of rage and misguided love

We're over. I'm gonna try to put more effort into being an actual friend, but I'm through being a partner to this broken mess we've made. I love her to the end of the world, and I broke my own heart this time. Maybe it's the last time.

I fucked up my wrist punching a wall tonight, too.

I'm such a mess.

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frustration vents

2019-03-14T22:28:49Z

so I don't understand how the concept of putting something back where you got it from is so difficult for everyone else. Use the scissors? put them back. Use spices from the cabinet while you're cooking? put them back when you're done. Use the tweezers or nail clippers in the bathroom? put them back in the dish they live in when you're done. IT'S NOT FUCKING ROCKET SCIENCE. It doesn't take a million miles of effort, it doesn't even take the effort of moving rooms. Get, use, put back.

So why are my scissors always missing, the tweezers and nail clippers on the counter, an assortment of spices strewn about the kitchen? Because my fucking adult roommates are monsters, clearly.

Clean up after yourself, or ASK for help. Do things that need done when you see them, or ASK someone who hasn't noticed to do it if you need help. I get that we aren't all functional, that we are basically all spoonies except The Bear who is a Man and doesn't do jack all that he isn't asked to anyways. :eyerolls:

Sometimes a couple dishes end up in a room for a day, I know I'm as guilty as anyone. But a hoard of them? unacceptable.

I'm so tired of feeling like I'm the one who notices and picks up after everyone else, tbh.

I guess that's the end of my rant, I got distracted and now I gotta go put pants on and get to work.

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