July 2023

S M T W T F S
       1
2345678
910 1112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
3031     

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
wild_dreamer: (SPN - Sam has emofaise)
Tuesday, July 11th, 2023 11:36 am
It's been so hard to get through this. Broken promise after broken promise; and now I'm blocked on everything with no way to reach out. I miss you so badly.

It's a shame you just keep running away from your feelings. You can run to booze, to weed, to another person, but you won't be happy until you focus on yourself first.

I know it was probably rude of me to say what I said, but it was the truth, and you could have said something instead of just straight up blocking my number. I told you time and again that all you had to do was tell me to leave you alone. But once again, instead of talking to me, sounding out your feelings and possibly working through the issues, you just turned tail and ran.

I never knew you were such a coward.

I think I'm finally starting to get over it though. I'm still hurting, still wounded and angry, still resentful and yet somehow hopeful. And I still love you, because I always will. Some part of me is still holding out hope for our friendship, but it's wilting under the pressure of your silence.

How could you be so cold?

I thought I knew you, but I guess I only ever knew a little bit; I understood how deep your heart runs but not how easily you could give up on someone.

You told me once that you wanted me to be a part of your life forever, the same as I wanted you. You promised me a friendship beyond measure. And you promised that even if we broke up it wouldn't change our friendship. But you lied.

How many lies did you tell me? How often was it the alcohol talking, Dranky at the wheel?

Do you remember the day we sat on the back swing at my haunted house and you told me I deserved someone who would take care of me? That I too deserved to be saved, loved, supported? and I told you I had someone in mind but I was scared they couldn't handle me.... and I was right. You couldn't handle me when I got carried away, when I let the blind love take me like waves and pull me under. You couldn't take care of me, because you couldn't even take care of yourself enough.

Maybe my mistake was trying to take care of you. Maybe I should have just let you carry me, floated on the current and believed you'd hold me up.

Then again, I'm drowning now, so who's to say you wouldn't have let me go anyway, too far out to save.

Who is supposed to save me now?
wild_dreamer: (Default)
Monday, May 20th, 2019 07:05 pm
i dunno what I wanted to write, I'm just in a Mood To Write

wanted to type, to tell some kind of story

Guess I'll update my journal lol


I feel like I've lost some important things in the process of Growing Up that I miss. And the depression and anxiety and all of it has just eaten away at me until I'm a shell of what I used to be, more often than not.

I can't stand my job because I border on unnecessary in a strange way; there's so much time where I do nothing, or very little, and I know for the people I work for I do a lot, and they value the time and energy I put in, but there is so. much. down. time.
But I love my job because I'm a caregiver by nature, and I am helping people, and it's mostly easy on my body; there's a lot of down time and easy work. I enjoy the people I get to know (mostly).
i
Contradictions. Mentally I want something challenging, but I don't know what that means anymore with how addled my brains feel like they've gotten. Physically I want something challenging, but my chronic health problems there create this Venn diagram of things I feel like I could do in the tiniest center sliver of near statistical insignificance-- okay, maybe not that bad but it was fun to write.

And I have a hard time working on getting better physically, because of where I am mentally, and it turns into the sneaky spiral of exhausted give-no-fucks.

Which is basically where I spend my time, either giving zero fucks or giving too many fucks, with no comfortable middle ground. What middle ground there is, is spent on things I wish I could either give less fucks about or have the energy to do something about the fucks I do give about them. UGH.


I feel like an absolute wreck any time I stop to think about it. The inside of my head is a mess as bad as the one I live in (or worse) and I hate it.

I have zero defined characters I can "drop into" like I used to. I have no motivation. I have no energy. I have no inspiration. I love to write, to doodle, to ride a bike, to run, to play, to dance, to read books... But even those things still feel outside of my grasp. Honestly this journaling has been the most writing I've done (except occasional RP on imvu) in far too long. Thinking about it makes me want to cry.

I don't feel unhappy, though. I feel happy, most of the time, with what I do have. With the things that I do do. I listen to music, I watch some TV or video games, I cuddle with Babe. These things are good.

And honestly, I don't hate cleaning. Like, when I'm in a mood to do it, I even usually enjoy it. I feel satisfied when I make a difference at the end. Some of it is tedious (especially organizing!) but a job well done is still well done and satisfying. It's all about the starting, usually. Hell, even when I don't enjoy it I'm honestly pretty ambivalent about it. So why is it so damn hard to start?


I told Waifu once that I follow the path of least resistance. I need direction, engagement, external force exerted in order to make things happen. Once they become routine, it's easier: because I trained my cat to annoy me at bedtime until I get my meds and then feed her, she gets fed and I get my meds at approximately the same time every evening. But until then, until I have a consistent force to set a routine, I live by the path of least resistance. And it's... probably not good, actually.

I just don't know what to do about it right now.