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wild_dreamer: (SPN - Sam has emofaise)
Tuesday, July 11th, 2023 11:36 am
It's been so hard to get through this. Broken promise after broken promise; and now I'm blocked on everything with no way to reach out. I miss you so badly.

It's a shame you just keep running away from your feelings. You can run to booze, to weed, to another person, but you won't be happy until you focus on yourself first.

I know it was probably rude of me to say what I said, but it was the truth, and you could have said something instead of just straight up blocking my number. I told you time and again that all you had to do was tell me to leave you alone. But once again, instead of talking to me, sounding out your feelings and possibly working through the issues, you just turned tail and ran.

I never knew you were such a coward.

I think I'm finally starting to get over it though. I'm still hurting, still wounded and angry, still resentful and yet somehow hopeful. And I still love you, because I always will. Some part of me is still holding out hope for our friendship, but it's wilting under the pressure of your silence.

How could you be so cold?

I thought I knew you, but I guess I only ever knew a little bit; I understood how deep your heart runs but not how easily you could give up on someone.

You told me once that you wanted me to be a part of your life forever, the same as I wanted you. You promised me a friendship beyond measure. And you promised that even if we broke up it wouldn't change our friendship. But you lied.

How many lies did you tell me? How often was it the alcohol talking, Dranky at the wheel?

Do you remember the day we sat on the back swing at my haunted house and you told me I deserved someone who would take care of me? That I too deserved to be saved, loved, supported? and I told you I had someone in mind but I was scared they couldn't handle me.... and I was right. You couldn't handle me when I got carried away, when I let the blind love take me like waves and pull me under. You couldn't take care of me, because you couldn't even take care of yourself enough.

Maybe my mistake was trying to take care of you. Maybe I should have just let you carry me, floated on the current and believed you'd hold me up.

Then again, I'm drowning now, so who's to say you wouldn't have let me go anyway, too far out to save.

Who is supposed to save me now?
wild_dreamer: (Hatori/Shigure - thoughtful)
Saturday, March 30th, 2019 04:12 pm
Maybe if I put it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to
cause these words are my diary screamin out loud and it feels like i'm naked in front of the crowd

close enough anyway. I'm so stressed today about all kinds of shit so I might as well get it off my mind.

There are things I need to do to get my mental health on track. Some I know, some I don't.

I need to get my physical health back on track too. I'm doing good about taking my pills at night, but my sleep schedule is for shit and my morning meds are all over the place half the time.

I want to work out, or at least just get moving more often and with some kind of regularity. Martial arts classes are my "ideal" solution (scheduled, consistent, etc) but they cost $$ which we will be getting to. Babe has a gym membership, at least, so we can go do that when he's willing/available. Still doesn't put me in a scheduled place though.

I need to get on a schedule with chores during the week so we can keep up with maintenance once they get back to baseline. They need to get to baseline first, which is weekend chores. I can't live in a place this cluttered, but the gross mess stuff needs to get dealt with. I have a sudden understanding of why my grandparent's house was always just a little grimy; grandma didn't have the ability to keep up with everything and work.

I feel like work always has to come first because without it we have no money to take care of ourselves and the rest of the things. But my body and mental state means if I work hard enough to support myself financially, I have no energy left over to take care of anything else.

it's like this complicated web woven to catch me mid-net and twist around me, holding me in place against my will.

Work, chores, declutter, work out, enjoy life, relax. how many of them can I actually sustain? How do I get past the depression, the anxiety, the ADHD that leaves me in a complicated mess of "I should be" and "I wish I could" that always culminates in "...but I'm not" or "...but instead here I am scrolling facebook again" and I'm just as tired of that as everything else.

how do I get my poor brain working on a regular basis again? my body to sustainably not ache and cooperate with my need to do things? my wallet to not be a constant disappointment?

ugh.
wild_dreamer: (Yuki - deaf from stupid)
Thursday, March 14th, 2019 01:44 pm
so I don't understand how the concept of putting something back where you got it from is so difficult for everyone else. Use the scissors? put them back. Use spices from the cabinet while you're cooking? put them back when you're done. Use the tweezers or nail clippers in the bathroom? put them back in the dish they live in when you're done. IT'S NOT FUCKING ROCKET SCIENCE. It doesn't take a million miles of effort, it doesn't even take the effort of moving rooms. Get, use, put back.

So why are my scissors always missing, the tweezers and nail clippers on the counter, an assortment of spices strewn about the kitchen? Because my fucking adult roommates are monsters, clearly.

Clean up after yourself, or ASK for help. Do things that need done when you see them, or ASK someone who hasn't noticed to do it if you need help. I get that we aren't all functional, that we are basically all spoonies except The Bear who is a Man and doesn't do jack all that he isn't asked to anyways. :eyerolls:

Sometimes a couple dishes end up in a room for a day, I know I'm as guilty as anyone. But a hoard of them? unacceptable.

I'm so tired of feeling like I'm the one who notices and picks up after everyone else, tbh.

I guess that's the end of my rant, I got distracted and now I gotta go put pants on and get to work.