Best to be the Changing Water

Today is my anniversary~ Waifu and I have officially been married for five years today. Through all the hardships, through bouts of anger and depression and heartbreak and bonding, we've somehow managed to get by this long. Barely.

I love her, but

and there it is, the million dollar "but" that always begins the breakdown, and it scares me

her depression is _so bad_, so often, and I can't help but feel like trying to save her will only lead to me drowning too. I'm scared to admit it, but when she was gone I was doing better. It's hard to tell if it's winter taking its toll, but I definitely see myself struggling to tread water where I wasn't before, because she's always drowning and I'm so determined to try and help that it takes its toll on me and my health.

I don't know how to do this.

It doesn't help that I'm probably the only person whose meds work reliably (if I can remember to take my morning ones, especially) enough to get much done, so I feel like I'm constantly the one who ends up having to deal with things that need done. I get resentful, even though I know I shouldn't. And so much of the mess is mine after all; all the clutter and junk I keep in such a tight space, made tighter by the number of people, and the mounting tensions between everyone.

She wants me to seek her out, initiate contact more often, but I'm so tired from everything already that mostly I just want to go crawl into bed, or lay my head on Babe's chest and just let all the stress drain away into his grounding presence.

Maybe, when she's not sick with this nasty cold nobody wants anymore, I can do the same and just lay my head on her chest and relax for a while. I dunno if it will work the same; I remember a time when she was that kind of comfort, before our interactions became anxiety and resentment and fights and heartbreak more often than comfort and smiles. I want to make this work, if I can. If I can keep my head above water long enough.