Best to be the Changing Water

My knuckle/wrist still hurts from that punch, and when I whine about it Babe just looks at me and says "what did we learn?" "...not to punch walls v.v"

Sooooooo I'm gonna hit up the ER after work today and see if I actually fractured something or if it's just bruised and slow to heal.

Otherwise things seem to be settling down and Waifu is taking better care of herself in some ways, but I worry that her "loneliness" is driving her to do stupid manic things, those risky behaviours in search of attention and affection that were once exciting now worrisome because I can't trust other people and I don't want to see her get hurt or worse.

I want her to know I've got her back, that she can call me in an emergency like always, but... idk.

I think I'm also gonna poke more of our friends and tell them to harass her to hang out more, spend time with familiar people, get love and support from them. I know she won't do it on her own.

Long time no see, Dreamwidth. How's it hangin?

So much has changed. So much still hasn't changed.

How long has it even been? years? Since 2016, three years.

I'm still married (somehow), but my lovely husband has become my even lovelier wife in the meanwhile. Life has been hard, chaotic, depressed and painful and broke, for so long I sometimes wonder if it's worth it all... but then things begin to fall into place.

Last year I figured out my medication more: my antidepressant is a low dose in the summer and a high dose in the winter and the transition was almost smooth for once this winter. I only lost a week to the bleh, instead of months. And I'm on strattera for the ADHD and it finally seems to be working at the standard 80mg dose; fewer side effects than the adderall had and no stupid contracts to sign so I can still be an off-work stoner and drink a few drinks with my friends now and then. Missing my nighttime meds leads to a day of itchy bleh, but I trained the cats to harass me at bedtime for food and I don't feed them until I get my meds so that seems to be mostly working.

I started playing on IMVU (I blame little Nova for that) during the darkest times of winter 2017 and made some excellent friends and a new long term partner, who I had to kidnap from his abusive relationship in Wisconsin. He came home in October. I call him Babe <3

Boyfriend A (previously referenced in 2015) and I broke up over the summer, though we're still on great terms; he moved in with Waifu and I when Bachelor House 2.0 fell through and he's still here. Waifu had a chaotic adventure of six months with her job training (in Virginia of all places) and got opportunities to learn and grow, though things between us had been extremely rocky and tough and the six months was an excellent break from one another.

She's home now. We have four people living in a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom, 750 square foot apartment with all of my crap and three of us are clothes monsters. It's been chaos and struggling, but with storage we should be getting better soon...

And now Bunny has moved in because she got kicked out of her home. She and her sweet 6 month old lab/shepherd mix, Bear, are crashing on our couch with my wife.

Five people. Plus my two cats and my snek.

I love them all, and the money will get better fast this way but lord almighty the chores and the clutter and the only having one bathroom is going to be the death of me.


I'm going to try to keep up on this journaling thing even if it's just random thoughts; I missed writing regularly. I need an outlet for all the things that go on in my head so they don't take me over.


And in probably the strangest turn my life has taken in all this time... I prefer male pronouns at the moment. I spent a few months on regular testosterone treatments, and am continuing a very low maintenance dose. I feel more andro/genderfluid than specifically male, but presenting female is a rarity for me this last year. Presenting femboi on the other hand... XD

And Babe is a transman, too; making three of five household members transgender. It's a strange journey I'm on but I love it.

I think I've had enough typing for the moment; I have chore charts to go make so I can laminate them.

So now that I have screamed my updates into the void for all none of you still listening, I must away. I'm sure I'll be back soon. Or not. XD