Best to be the Changing Water

My knuckle/wrist still hurts from that punch, and when I whine about it Babe just looks at me and says "what did we learn?" "...not to punch walls v.v"

Sooooooo I'm gonna hit up the ER after work today and see if I actually fractured something or if it's just bruised and slow to heal.

Otherwise things seem to be settling down and Waifu is taking better care of herself in some ways, but I worry that her "loneliness" is driving her to do stupid manic things, those risky behaviours in search of attention and affection that were once exciting now worrisome because I can't trust other people and I don't want to see her get hurt or worse.

I want her to know I've got her back, that she can call me in an emergency like always, but... idk.

I think I'm also gonna poke more of our friends and tell them to harass her to hang out more, spend time with familiar people, get love and support from them. I know she won't do it on her own.

Do you know the feeling of always looking for someone in a crowd, even though you wouldn't know what to do or say if you did see them again? Have you ever spent a day in a familiar place, wishing you could go back in time to when the memories were fresh and bright, instead of soft and faded 'round the edges?

I have. I still do, years upon years later. I find myself doing things in his memory still, every so often. Take a walk late into the evening, and stop at the gas station for a bottle of Dr Pepper before I go all the way home. Take a walk in the pouring rain when it's still warm enough, and smile at the memory of an April shower that we walked in once upon a time.

Back when my castle in the air was all in one piece, before I learned to stop trusting, before I learned to keep my dreams apart from my hopes.

Everywhere I look, there's now two faces I hope and dread to see, two loved ones gone and far away, but not beyond the reachable. Two people I wish I could reach out to, but I wouldn't know what to say or do if I were to find them again.

One I've loved for all my life.

And one I've loved for only a few short years.

A childhood sweetheart and a girl I can never forget.

Two people I'm scared to find again, because I've never known how to react. What do you say to the boy who broke your heart and never even knew? What do you say to the woman whose heart you broke? The ache is never going to fade.

I may promise a someday, someday when it'll stop hurting and maybe we'll be different people. Someday doesn't come.

It never stops hurting. It dulls, it fades until you stop thinking about it every day, until other things are more important than that singular, cherished memory. It fades away, but it never dies. Like an old injury, aching in the cold, it acts up from time to time. A reminder of what you've done.

When I said I wouldn't stop loving you, I meant it.

May you both go in peace, and cherish the good times, and gloss over the bad, and live better lives.. But leave my memories intact. <3

I hope "We'd really love to hire all of you, you're all fabulous!" was a) true and b) doesn't mean they have to choose the least qualified person (that would be me) to not hire.

As for the rest of my time, let's just say I'm about ready to lose my mind.

I'm gonna go pick up some food and go sit in a park with my notebook or something.

I seem to be the problem here. I can't wait until I get a job so I don't have to be around anymore.

By then, of course, Mom'll be back and Zee will be somewhere. Christ knows where at this point.

I owe someone my soul in about five days. Maybe if I put my soul contract on ebay I can get enough for rent. Any opinions, guys?


On the bright side, the weather's been gorgeous, if cold.

It started as an introspective moment, and just kept going.

( From lights to wheels on the road... )

I have just been thoroughly flabbergasted. ( I just realised this is turning into a full-on ramble, so here's a cut tag... )

So, that's all the rant I have the energy for right now. Three exes, three rants. I'm gonna go lose myself in music and idle games until Kureno comes online and I can whine at him.

A few days now, and I don't feel any different about the choice I made. I still care, I still am perfectly content to speak with him, to laugh and joke and tease and maybe flirt a little... But he isn't the one. It's been a quiet, calm break-up, and I'm glad for that.

( Loaded God complex... )

That's it for now.