Best to be the Changing Water

A series of random things I wanted to say, some related to Burning Man, some not.

And some reiterating the same thing I have said on Twitter and FB already this morning, which begins with: Fucking ow, my whole body hurts. Muscles I didn't know existed hurt. When I breathed my tea this morning, coughing made me think I was gonna pull something important and then die, it hurt so bad. I love my self-defense class. And I am so fucking out of shape it isn't funny, BUT I AM GLAD THIS IS ALL AFTER MY BURNING MAN TRIP AND NOT BEFORE.

Before I left, I was coming off a year of couch-sitting. Very different from baby-sitting, as you actually do sit on the couch for it, and you definitely do not sit on the babies. Before I left, I was making faces at myself in the mirror nearly every morning, thinking "geez, this last year has been too happy. I'm getting complacent, and a little chunky in the midsection, there." Everyone else says "you look good! Stop fussing," but I don't feel comfortable in my body, and that is, of course, the most important thing. I feel heavy, I feel weighted down, I feel mildly unhappy with myself.

By the time I get back, I'm feeling amazing. Between all the walking and dancing I did and what they call the 'Desert Diet', I have probably lost most of the ten pounds I put on in the last year, and I'm feeling GREAT. Looking good, too, happy about it. Checking myself out in mirrors and saying "yeah, I'm looking amazing again. ;D" and the like.

Now, you're going to be wondering. ( What is the 'Desert Diet'? )

So with the walking across a city that was two or three miles across and ten or more miles in diameter, all of the dancing, the strange eating habits, and the returning to Colorado to a similarly active event (I didn't spend much time sitting at NDK, I never do), I was in much better shape than before I left. Not to mention that I went hiking with my friend Rudy while I was in Portland on my way home. LOTS OF EXERCISE.

I'm pretty sure this is the only reason I didn't DIE HORRIBLY during my self-defense class, and only had one moment where I had to slow myself down and remind myself to breathe slow and deep. But I made it through class, had a fabulous time, and probably didn't walk it out as much as I should have, didn't cool down well enough. Hence, being stiff and sore now.

You know what they say. The best thing for sore muscles is whatever made them sore in the first place. And a hot bath. ;)

I think that was actually it for right now. Oh, and my ceramics instructor is totally the Bob Ross of pottery. I kept expecting him to start talking about the 'happy little pottery' or something while he was showing us how to work the wheel yesterday. XD

That was all. ♥

Apparently the combination of large amounts of time left to my own devices, and recent time regularly spent keeping up with flawless_mask (because I want to, because I like to read when she writes, because I want to see more, know more about her. Now that she's writing, I think she's the only other person whose journal I'm actually reading with any regularity..) has left me wanting to write in my own journal.

It's interesting to realize that you're living your dreams, even more so to recognize that you're living someone else's. Not to the fullest extent, but then my dreams aren't fully realized yet either.

I'm sitting here, feeling both a sense of contentment, and a slowly growing sense of boredom and uselessness. I could be doing something. But this isn't my place, and I don't know exactly what I would do. I washed nearly all the dishes yesterday, did a quick vacuuming of whatever floor was available, and the couch to clear it of excess cat fur.

I have no tea.

This post is much more run-of-the-mind than even I usually do, I suppose.

So, anyways. I'm sitting here in James' apartment, having decided to spend my three days off from work here. What will I learn, living here more? I always find myself learning more about people when I start staying longer with them.

I found myself slipping, yesterday. I think I'm fine again this morning, *pauses as one of the cats murrs and demands her attention* ...though I'm feeling more tired and groggy than yesterday. I'm starting to wonder what will become of me come summertime, how I will be. Summer's been an especially tough time for me over the last few years.

He's so accommodating, he's so loving, I'm certain any issues there are can be worked out with nothing more than some conversation and time. I feel as though I'm living someone else's life.

Secretly, I wonder if, without my mother being who she is, I wouldn't have been in exactly the same situation as Zee. Fewer siblings, and I the eldest rather than the youngest. But nonetheless.

I wonder if that terrifying disorder could have been my own. I see traces of things in my own behaviour, catch myself wondering. When they're not always voluntary, when I have to fight so very hard to keep them under control sometimes.

Mayhaps, just a twist in my own thinking, but there it is. The potential. I wonder if the opposite could be true as well.

I only wish there was more that I could do for her, more that I could say to help. The best thing I can do is simply to be there, and to truly be there when she needs me most, difficult as that can sometimes be.

I can't imagine life without her now that I know her.

Okay, I can. But I don't really want to. She's one of those people in my life that makes me happy. One of the people that I want to have around for the rest of my life, and those are few and far between.

It's tough to type with a cat in your lap, especially a large one.

It's nice to know I'm accepted by the cats, now. They stayed in bed with me when James took his bath yesterday, both curled up on my chest, one beneath the covers and one above. Spike mostly doesn't hiss and spit and bite at me, now. When he does, it's generally because I've picked him up and thoroughly disgruntled him, and I laugh and put him down. He purrs for me, even when James isn't around; they both do.

Sassy mews for my attention, comes running over to get petted, and when I pick her up into my lap she cuddles, purrs, settles. After sticking her back claws into my legs a few times, of course, in the course of her getting comfortable.

I'm thinking I will go and get dressed, see about going down to the exercise room and playing around with the equipment for a little while, going for a walk. Doing something that isn't being cooped up inside, comfortable and cat-filled though that may be.

I've been listening to far too much BNL lately. It's beginning to infiltrate my brain and leave me with random song lyrics, as the title of this post may imply. Often, they really have nothing to do with the actual content of the moment/post/thought, or really much of anything at all, save being random lyrical accompaniment.

I did not get online to post about this strange phenomenon, however.

I got online to warn you all that the pod people are coming; nay, they are in fact here, and I AM ONE OF THEM, ladies and gentlemen.

James and I went out for dinner tonight, and had very tasty food at Red Lobster.

I had crab. And one of his coconut shrimps.

And did I mention the other day about my distracted-by-real-work episode?

I'm starting him hunting for zippers tonight, guys. For serious, this has gone too far and I must find out what bizzare manner of alien has infiltrated my brain.

I love you all, and just in case the aliens get wind of this and try to stop me, Fare thee well and I will see you on the other side.


*Trying not to start giggling.*

/logout! ♥

So I decided to get something useful accomplished today, and actually go through a few of my boxes and whatnot. Ended up choosing to sort my schoolwork box from High School (is it strange that suddenly that seems so very far away now?) and found a few precious gems of amusement therein. I don't know how I got away with some of the things I did as assignments, really, but the combination of practicality and imagination was certainly unmatched before or since. XD

In particular, I've found a few random doodles or phrases here and there, most of which I won't share because the doodles were connected to the randomness. However, there's one piece of paper that actually made me laugh out loud, in that "Dude, what the hell was I thinking, but that's funny.." sort of way.

It's labeled "Homework #10 - "Story Sketches" - 2-26-03" and there's only one item on the sheet. Directly copied, no corrections or changes made:

"1. Emily woke up hungry, but waited for French Toast to be ready, and got hungrier. She ate French Toast, and was no longer hungry. (French Toast wasn't so happy about being eaten, but that's a whole other story.)"


And here I sit, staring in a bemused fascination. What was the assignment, anyways? Where on earth did that come from? Yet it's so very me that I can't help but get a kick out of it. I felt a need to share it with y'all, as just one of those flashback moments to who I used to be, yanno?

Maybe I'll find more interesting things later. Better get back to work. *Grin.*

So here I sit, with a mug of tea warming my hands, in a robe and a pair of sweatpants that used to belong to my first boyfriend. The crazy one. The one I fell in love with on a warm day, trapped in fear of his mother's wrath on the back stairs. Sneaking out, afraid of getting caught like it would mean our demise, like some kind of Romeo and Juliet scenario; I decided my thundering heartbeat and the clasp of my sweaty, fearful hand with his must mean I loved him.

Two years of a mistake made. Feels like every time I turned around there was a mistake with him, but none of them seen until it was way too late to save it. I remember the good times now and then, but more often than not I remember the bad. I remember being someone I never wanted to be, dating someone I never should have fallen in love with. The first days, weeks, maybe months, they were fabulous spent together. Exciting, new, sharp and I felt so alive. Reaching out for love, grasping at straws and smiling when I thought I'd found it.

Only to have it all crumble. So slowly, one thing at a time, until all that was left was two lonely children clinging to each other in fear of the unknown. Fear of alone. Fear of not being loved anymore, either one of us. But neither of us were, we were just dependent on one another for affection that we didn't know how to find anywhere else.

I was stronger. I walked away, not unbroken, but in the end I was tempered by it.

Every moment I remember is a warning bell going off, saying I should never have been so naive. Saying he should never have trusted me either, of course. But a lesson learned is hard forgotten if you take it to heart, and I raised my head and kept going. My soul is strong.

Years have passed, and the lesson still lingers, still stings now and then. It's an old wound that's healed long ago but still aches in the cold, in the bitterness of winter when I feel this deep loneliness settle in. The acrid heat of early autumn leaves me in a fit of bored depression, prone to lazing and sulking about, a dulling of the senses that always reminds me of the past. But winter's chill seeps into my bones and aggravates the loneliness with nobody to ward off the aching cold, nobody to curl against in the night.

Late autumn's crispness appeals to me; a bitter taste of death melting in the air, mingled with the incredible colors of the world's changing, making way for new and better things. Blanketing itself in a cold winter, closing its eyes to the pain and resting until it finds itself refreshed, renewed.

Spring has never looked so positive for me before. The awakening, Nature opening Her eyes to a new world, to new beginnings, taking a crisp, clean breath of fresh air. Learning to live again, learning to love anew, and just learning to breathe.

I breathe in the deep warmth of my tea, let it soothe me like the springtime that I know is to come. Close my eyes and reach, a tentative mental touch of warmth and solidity. He would never notice, blind and deaf to his own power and mine, but all the same his warmth is like the springtime sun, heating me through to the core and melting the walls of ice I've built up.

And I know that this warmth will last, and hope that I shall never feel the cold of my self-imposed winter again.

(Cont.?)

...A rose.

He's freakin' allergic to flowers, as evidenced even Friday night at the s00j show when someone tossed fresh flowers down in front of Sooj (we were in front, on the floor...) and he started getting all headache-and-eyewater until we left an hour later. But! he still bought me a rose yesterday.

For no reason at all.

Have I mentioned that I am MADLY IN LOVE right now?

Also, SOOJ IS THE AWESOMEST THING OF AWESOME THAT THERE EVER WAS IN ALL THE HISTORY OF AWESOME.

Vixy (vixyish) and Tony (tfabris) are damn cool too. And Betsy (stealthcello) is WIN on the cello, as always.

I could die of the happy going on right now. So much happy.

And then there's my birthday coming up and everything. I'm gonna beg off next Sunday from my boss so I get to go see Sooj again, at a bigger venue, with hopefully more of my darling people (KK, I'm making you come with if I go, and making you go if I can't. D< ) and just as much fun as always.

Srsly. Life is win right now.

Much is right in my world.

An evening spent relaxing does wonders, don't you think?

KK came and met me at work, spent a few hours curled in the corner conversing with me and a few of my customers even, and then took me home.

We went by the store, picked up things for dinner.

Came home, and we made a lovely steak dinner, with steamed broccoli and cheap betty crocker potatoes au gratin from a box. A glass of wine, cut with juice, for each of us.

And then we curled up on the couch and watched Treasure Planet until we fell asleep there, and stayed asleep there all night.

It was just... incredible. No stressing, no nothing. No worries about getting up this morning, because we both have the day off. No interruptions from 'Kaasan or the Child, as they're on a field trip this week. We've been listening to s00j's music all morning. <3

My life seems to be settling into a comfortable happiness. Niisan is coming to visit soon (nine days! Eeeeeee!) and spending a whole ten days here, eight of which I have guaranteed off. It'll be incredibly fun to spend so much time with him, and we can wander around the city and just.. be. As well as laze about a bit together, have some fun in his hotel, and such like. x3

I've finally found someone who understands most clearly, who is truly an adult about the relationship we have, though how long that will last I'm unsure, but I do truly care.

I'll take every day as it comes. He loves me, and I... yes, I love him as well, though I've not the courage to say so to him. He smiles and is understanding, and speaks his mind more often than not. He is honest and sweet, and I am thoroughly twitterpated. He doesn't mind that I am open with my heart, that I love easily and many.

He makes me want to turn and run, sometimes, when he speaks his mind and says he's so enamored of me, says he doesn't want to let me go and will never want anyone but me. It makes me pull inside myself when I'd rather open up. It scares me, and makes me want to run away, hide my heart and not ever let anyone find me and who I truly am, not ever. Because I'm so afraid to hurt him later on, so scared to reach that point where my fear of commitment takes over and I trash everything out of a panicked, irrational fear.

I'm already seeing the edges of it, here. So I'll close my eyes and breathe, and take every day as it comes to me. Enjoy the time with him. Communicate my hopes, dreams, fears, open my heart to him the way he has opened his to me, and maybe learn to trust again.

Back to the happy, I have four days in a row off this weekend, and so KK and I are going to clean the kitchen and shower and then run around town today. We'll meet up with Kaiba-san and her boyfriend to wander the waterfront tomorrow, and possibly James when he's off work as well.

And then Saturday is a date day, James and I are going to the zoo together. x3

Sunday, I've no idea yet. Maybe just another day to relax before I work all of next week. We shall see.

I'm happier than I've been in a long, long time.

Let's see here.

Things I forgot from con babble: KK's friend's are like GOLDFISH. ATTENTION SPAN OF A GOLDFISH.

"We'll just go wait in line for the cosplay contest, right? YEAH. OKAY!" ...ten minutes later... "I'm bored. Wanna go see what else is going on?" "OKAY 8D WE GO BUHBYE NAO." *Facepalm.* Cue me puttering along after them and grumbling about goldfish attention spans.

We were in the line for the dance for all of about two minutes.


And on to post-con awesomeness now...

Hehe, I'm stalking James-san. Kidding, kidding.

*Five minutes of IM chatting later...*

OH MY GOD. THEY KEEP GETTING OLDER.

But I bet he's not a virgin... I would hope, anyways. *Stares.* Twenty-nine? TWENTY. NINE.

Holy shit. Not that age matters to me, and all, just... Ten years. Wow. I never would have guessed.

Anyways. My current fandom obsession is now DEATH NOTE.

HEART! I -just- met Mello and Near, and OMG Mello is a nutcase! Near is like a miniature blond version of L! SO CUTE. *SPOILER* made me want to scream and flail. I want *SPOILER*!

L IS LOVE. WHY???

I have got to go and mow the lawn before potential work today. Love!

*Runs off in a hurry.*


ETA: Rain, so no lawnmowing. Plus, DAY OFF. YEY. ...I'mma go play DDR dressed like Misa now. =D

Er. As soon as Roommate-chan goes to work and stops napping on the couch, that is.

WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYY~

LAWL.

I am SO WIRED right now! I came back for the night, cutting the dancing short for the evening, because I figured crash time was a good thing, and I had a ride.

But I so didn't wanna leave the rave! And up until... just now... I was VERY AWAKE.

I thinks I'm sleepy now. Bedtime!!

LOVE YOU ALLLLLL!

Note to self: Find and add Kada and Yazoo to stalk-list (friends)!


OH YAH. I BOUGHT YAOI AND A CORSET TODAY. 8D

K, done. ♥!!

In honor of my current state of mind... There is ( Musicspam ahead... )

I think I like this feeling. My surface isn't as calm as I'd like it to be, but my centre is centered. That's it, exactly. I'm actually -centered- now. I've always been pretty grounded, but the last few years threw even that askew and left me grasping for solidity.

I'm centered, but maybe not so grounded right now, because I feel like I'm flying. *Laughter.* One out of two ain't bad. I'm so happy right now, even when I'm exhausted and cranky. I'm PMSing for certain, and muttering angrily under my breath on a regular basis, but when I'm happy I'm just so exceedingly content that it overwhelms everything else.

Can this last for the rest of ever? Please, let it last.

I'm in love with life itself. It's the best feeling ever.