Best to be the Changing Water

Apparently the combination of large amounts of time left to my own devices, and recent time regularly spent keeping up with flawless_mask (because I want to, because I like to read when she writes, because I want to see more, know more about her. Now that she's writing, I think she's the only other person whose journal I'm actually reading with any regularity..) has left me wanting to write in my own journal.

It's interesting to realize that you're living your dreams, even more so to recognize that you're living someone else's. Not to the fullest extent, but then my dreams aren't fully realized yet either.

I'm sitting here, feeling both a sense of contentment, and a slowly growing sense of boredom and uselessness. I could be doing something. But this isn't my place, and I don't know exactly what I would do. I washed nearly all the dishes yesterday, did a quick vacuuming of whatever floor was available, and the couch to clear it of excess cat fur.

I have no tea.

This post is much more run-of-the-mind than even I usually do, I suppose.

So, anyways. I'm sitting here in James' apartment, having decided to spend my three days off from work here. What will I learn, living here more? I always find myself learning more about people when I start staying longer with them.

I found myself slipping, yesterday. I think I'm fine again this morning, *pauses as one of the cats murrs and demands her attention* ...though I'm feeling more tired and groggy than yesterday. I'm starting to wonder what will become of me come summertime, how I will be. Summer's been an especially tough time for me over the last few years.

He's so accommodating, he's so loving, I'm certain any issues there are can be worked out with nothing more than some conversation and time. I feel as though I'm living someone else's life.

Secretly, I wonder if, without my mother being who she is, I wouldn't have been in exactly the same situation as Zee. Fewer siblings, and I the eldest rather than the youngest. But nonetheless.

I wonder if that terrifying disorder could have been my own. I see traces of things in my own behaviour, catch myself wondering. When they're not always voluntary, when I have to fight so very hard to keep them under control sometimes.

Mayhaps, just a twist in my own thinking, but there it is. The potential. I wonder if the opposite could be true as well.

I only wish there was more that I could do for her, more that I could say to help. The best thing I can do is simply to be there, and to truly be there when she needs me most, difficult as that can sometimes be.

I can't imagine life without her now that I know her.

Okay, I can. But I don't really want to. She's one of those people in my life that makes me happy. One of the people that I want to have around for the rest of my life, and those are few and far between.

It's tough to type with a cat in your lap, especially a large one.

It's nice to know I'm accepted by the cats, now. They stayed in bed with me when James took his bath yesterday, both curled up on my chest, one beneath the covers and one above. Spike mostly doesn't hiss and spit and bite at me, now. When he does, it's generally because I've picked him up and thoroughly disgruntled him, and I laugh and put him down. He purrs for me, even when James isn't around; they both do.

Sassy mews for my attention, comes running over to get petted, and when I pick her up into my lap she cuddles, purrs, settles. After sticking her back claws into my legs a few times, of course, in the course of her getting comfortable.

I'm thinking I will go and get dressed, see about going down to the exercise room and playing around with the equipment for a little while, going for a walk. Doing something that isn't being cooped up inside, comfortable and cat-filled though that may be.

I've been listening to far too much BNL lately. It's beginning to infiltrate my brain and leave me with random song lyrics, as the title of this post may imply. Often, they really have nothing to do with the actual content of the moment/post/thought, or really much of anything at all, save being random lyrical accompaniment.

I did not get online to post about this strange phenomenon, however.

I got online to warn you all that the pod people are coming; nay, they are in fact here, and I AM ONE OF THEM, ladies and gentlemen.

James and I went out for dinner tonight, and had very tasty food at Red Lobster.

I had crab. And one of his coconut shrimps.

And did I mention the other day about my distracted-by-real-work episode?

I'm starting him hunting for zippers tonight, guys. For serious, this has gone too far and I must find out what bizzare manner of alien has infiltrated my brain.

I love you all, and just in case the aliens get wind of this and try to stop me, Fare thee well and I will see you on the other side.


*Trying not to start giggling.*

/logout! ♥

So it's one of those days, today. Yesterday, too.

I haven't had a shower since Saturday morning, when I took one at James' parents' house before Michelle's wedding. (Oh, and I'll say more on that later..)

I worked Sunday, early in the morning, and went home with James afterward, as I often do. Caught the early ferry back, before he had to go to work, as I also often do. Especially since I don't normally have to work until 4pm, if at all, on a Monday.

I thought I would hang out with my friend Steven for a while, have some tea and whatnot, and then come home in time to grab a shower before work. I even made it home by about one thirty, and I don't have to leave until three to get to work and all, so I was good, everything was fabulous and amazing and the day was going smashingly... Until I walked in to discover my brother in the shower and a load of laundry in the wash, and the water heater having a failure. It needed to be reset again (it does this thing periodically) and so there was no hot water for me before I had to leave. NONE.

No shower. Alright, whatever, what's one more day with my hair dirty (Eugh, really, but there wasn't much of a choice and it was only one day past due, I can live!) and a short three-hour shift at work, who cares. Debated a shower last night and decided I was too tired and didn't want to end up sleeping on wet hair.

This morning, I get up and instead of getting directly into the shower, I decide I'm gonna dink around online for a while. Bright, no? I am now really gross, feeling grody and just generally BLEAH, and without a shower... because Mom got up and had a quick shower and then started the dishwasher. And about twenty or so minutes into the cycle I go "waaaaiiiiit. She just started the dishwasher, didn't she. FUCK." Too far into the cycle to stop it, too long of a wait for it to finish and the water to re-heat. I'm screwed! Thank god I don't have to work today or I'd be in tears of frustration. Almost am already, and I can feel the childish fit of "FINE! WHATEVER I DIDN'T NEED THAT ANYWAY D<" coming on.

I'm so tired, and I can't figure out why today. I'm frustrated because things aren't going my way, and feeling whiny and childish. Maybe a good, long, hot shower would help improve my outlook, but I haven't gotten one yet and probably won't for a while. I wanna shower and get dressed. D=

And then DO STUFF. Before Em calls at about five my time, when she's free, cause we'll be on the phone for hours (we always are) and I probably won't get much done. And she's about the only person I wanna talk to. My want-to-talk list is getting shorter and shorter, as well as periodically changing without notice.


Anyway, I mentioned Michelle's wedding.. My boyfriend has a new brother-in-law now! <3 It was awesome and adorable and made me full of squee and emotional. Though it also brought something home that I hadn't much thought about. Every girl (every normal girl, perhaps? every hopeless romantic, male or female? Whatever the case..) has dreams about getting married. I am certainly no exception, and it's one of my pastimes to curl up and make up fantasy stories of all varieties... but for once I actually stopped to consider the very real possibility of myself getting married, and to look at it from a realistic point of view rather than that of a giddy and hopeless romantic.

I found myself thinking "You know.. someday." but that day is as far off as the Someday of my having children. It's a possibility, but not one I really ought to be worrying my pretty little head about right now. And I realised that I am very much not actually ready for something like that, much though I might wish to think I am. I'm not ready for that kind of a binding commitment to someone, a lover or a child to bear.. It's not time yet.

They kept teasing us, saying we should just have three weddings all at once, Michelle and Ashley, Jeremy and his Michelle (James' brother and his fiancee), and James and I.. It made me giggle and stammer a lot, but it really made me think, too. Plus, my mother has been making remarks.. Lord, of all people to be commenting on it! She got all weepy over a commercial the other day because it got her thinking about her 'baby girl' possibly getting married. -My- mother! I'm trying to decide if everyone around me is actually starting to lose it, or if it's really just THAT obvious how much I adore this man. *chuckle.*

Nonetheless, that day is far off, and the much more real probability of my moving in with him is looming in the near future enough to wrack my nerves already. So many things are going to be happening this summer, and so much to think about and plan for over the next year or so. It's a little crazy.

Anyway, I've gotta go see about getting things done and getting that shower soon.

So here I sit, with a mug of tea warming my hands, in a robe and a pair of sweatpants that used to belong to my first boyfriend. The crazy one. The one I fell in love with on a warm day, trapped in fear of his mother's wrath on the back stairs. Sneaking out, afraid of getting caught like it would mean our demise, like some kind of Romeo and Juliet scenario; I decided my thundering heartbeat and the clasp of my sweaty, fearful hand with his must mean I loved him.

Two years of a mistake made. Feels like every time I turned around there was a mistake with him, but none of them seen until it was way too late to save it. I remember the good times now and then, but more often than not I remember the bad. I remember being someone I never wanted to be, dating someone I never should have fallen in love with. The first days, weeks, maybe months, they were fabulous spent together. Exciting, new, sharp and I felt so alive. Reaching out for love, grasping at straws and smiling when I thought I'd found it.

Only to have it all crumble. So slowly, one thing at a time, until all that was left was two lonely children clinging to each other in fear of the unknown. Fear of alone. Fear of not being loved anymore, either one of us. But neither of us were, we were just dependent on one another for affection that we didn't know how to find anywhere else.

I was stronger. I walked away, not unbroken, but in the end I was tempered by it.

Every moment I remember is a warning bell going off, saying I should never have been so naive. Saying he should never have trusted me either, of course. But a lesson learned is hard forgotten if you take it to heart, and I raised my head and kept going. My soul is strong.

Years have passed, and the lesson still lingers, still stings now and then. It's an old wound that's healed long ago but still aches in the cold, in the bitterness of winter when I feel this deep loneliness settle in. The acrid heat of early autumn leaves me in a fit of bored depression, prone to lazing and sulking about, a dulling of the senses that always reminds me of the past. But winter's chill seeps into my bones and aggravates the loneliness with nobody to ward off the aching cold, nobody to curl against in the night.

Late autumn's crispness appeals to me; a bitter taste of death melting in the air, mingled with the incredible colors of the world's changing, making way for new and better things. Blanketing itself in a cold winter, closing its eyes to the pain and resting until it finds itself refreshed, renewed.

Spring has never looked so positive for me before. The awakening, Nature opening Her eyes to a new world, to new beginnings, taking a crisp, clean breath of fresh air. Learning to live again, learning to love anew, and just learning to breathe.

I breathe in the deep warmth of my tea, let it soothe me like the springtime that I know is to come. Close my eyes and reach, a tentative mental touch of warmth and solidity. He would never notice, blind and deaf to his own power and mine, but all the same his warmth is like the springtime sun, heating me through to the core and melting the walls of ice I've built up.

And I know that this warmth will last, and hope that I shall never feel the cold of my self-imposed winter again.

(Cont.?)

Gah! Life, it gets so complicated when you have bills and are BARELY SQUEAKING BY. Dx

Or, occasionally, not even that. The rent check bounced (because I had checked the account, and the landlord hadn't cashed it yet! So I paid part of my phone bill knowing that I got paid and could deposit my paycheck the next morning. Need to see about this direct deposit thing.) and I paid a $25 dollar bounce fee, and am cringing as I wait for it to become dangerously close to that again.

Especially if LJ renews. Then I'm screwed. I'd be alright if I hadn't paid my roomie back immediately, or.. Well, if I hadn't gone out yesterday and spent some of that sweet money I had. That might have been better. As it is, after rent and before LJ's renew fee, I've got a total of about eight dollars in my bank. (ETA: Since my card numbers changed since LJ last had them, there will be no renewal until I get my next paycheck. Say byebye to my shiny paid account privleges for a while!)

Joy. And no way to get any extra until at least the weekend, unless I can beg Jess to loan me some of what I just gave her back. e.e;


On the other end of things, outside of finances, I'm doing incredibly well. Though there is a heartbroken and sick Jess to take care of, most of my friends seem to be in good, or at least better, places this holiday season.

I'm looking forward to a real holiday, though I may have no presents for anyone (and that's tough, for me.. I really want to have gifts for my boyfriend's family this year, and it just isn't feasible on my budget) at least I will have a family to spend it with.

Dear god, I am really and truly serious about this. About him. He still makes me smile. His family is incredible, and accepts me and likes me. My mom likes him, (and that's a first!) enough to allow him to stay over every now and again. I plan on not taking too much advantage of her generousity, though. =] It's a hard-earned privilege, but one only to be used in dire circumstances. =P

In any case, I'm starting to contemplate what it would be like, could be like, living with him. And alternating between completely content with everything after a weekend with him, and vaguely lonely because I'm so far away again. This kind of sucks.


I've forgotten what else I was going to say, having gotten a sleepy Jess on me and many other distractions since beginning this. I had to shower, for I have a somewhat unexpected work night tonight.. and oh, the joy that will be had when I tell my boss that she can't really switch up my schedule anymore because I've given availability to my second job in order to make enough money to get by.

Which will only help after a few weeks, when I actually start bringing in two paychecks. =D

Anyways, time to get dressed and brush my hair, and get all off to work now.

When life is going so well, who needs to remember to update their LJ? Apparently not me. XP

Everything is going SMASHINGLY right now. I'm content in my life. I'm talking to eccentric_alex on a very regular basis again, I have a steady boyfriend who makes me very very very happy.

( Cut for length... )
I do believe I've babbled enough for one night, especially since most of it came back to the lovely new man in my life. x3 I'm gonna hit the hay and get some beauty sleep before I open again at work tomorrow.

Ja matta ne, Minna-san! [Talk to you later, Everyone!]

P.S. He's totally a PC. XD <3 Ja!