Best to be the Changing Water

I thought I could love you better
Turns out I’m just like all the rest
I’m not the best
Just another broken heart
In your collection of
Friends for fair weather
Another bridge burning in the night
But I’ll stay burning for a while
Like a beacon lighting
The way for you to come home
Because if home is where the heart is
Then you always have a place here
In the fire you built
When you burned mine down

You said I could tell you all my feelings, tell you anything and you’d never love me any less. So I showed you my heart, deep in the part where I kept all the ways I worried about you. Now you’re gone, and the hole it left as the tide came in has weighed me down as surely as my own inability to swim.

I fucking miss you so much I’d rather not exist than go through all of this, I’d prefer to be an entire cosmos spinning full of stardust just waiting to become something again.

I never meant to do you harm, but I know I said everything all wrong. I don’t expect forgiveness for slipping into old bad habits, but I am sincerely sorry.

I will keep my promise to love you endlessly, lover friend or absentee, no matter what you tell me or where our journeys go.

Find your happy. 🖤 Not anyone else’s.

It's times like these I wonder if I'll ever be alright again. I know the pain has got to go away sometime, and it's usually not this bad. Someday all I'll have is a scar on my heart in the shape of her name, but right now it's still a tender injury, fighting infection.

Even in my dreams she's nothing but a fantasy, a memory twisting into my heart to make it bleed again. A twisted, beautiful memory, sharp and sweet, with the bitterest aftertaste.

I miss her like the sun and rain and wind. Her warmth, when she was true to her heart, when she smiled shyly and I knew beyond a doubt that I adored her, wanted nothing more than to make her happy. Even when she cried and screamed she was beautiful. I don't know where we got so lost.

I got so jaded, and so overwhelmed.

How can one be so jaded and so naive at the same time? To believe so strongly in everyone else, and yet never in my own self.

I still remember how it felt to wake up curled around her, protective and warm. Did I touch her cheek and smile, and tell her without words how I felt? I can't remember. It's all a blur, the words that stand out are rare in the muddle, the actions even more so.

I dreamed that I was imagining her there. Dreamed I was pretending I could hold her tight again. How twisted is that? How broken.

Rikki Tikki Tavi, one beloved, old, creaky cat.

We'll miss you.


He lived to be almost twenty, and he went peacefully and without pain. Mama got to stay up with him last night, everyone got to pet him and say goodbye. She took him to the vet this morning because he'd been severely dehydrated and was having some other problems, and ended up having him put down.

Last of three cats, always the momma's cat, well loved. He held out until Mom and Shadowbat got back from their trip, bless him.


Yesterday and today are days full of sad. Zee went home last night (with every intent of returning to stay, however), Rikki's gone. Mama has a sad worst of all, because he really was her cat, and I worry about her. ♥ I don't think it's quite sunk in all the way for me yet, or maybe I'm just all cried out right now...

I'm gonna go see if I can add another hour of sleep while my laundry's going. I'm sure I'll do my crying later.