Best to be the Changing Water

I said
“I wanna see you thrive,
Not just survive”
And something between us died

The monsters in our heads
Got the best of us and
Came between forever and today

Questions left unanswered
Messages unread
A cry for help still sinking
Left unsaid

Mama didn’t raise no quitter
So I don’t know when to cut my losses
Cut you loose
Stitch up this hole in my heart
And move on

Half a tattoo
Inked by hand
A reminder of what
we could have had

This permanent ache
Left behind
In the wake
Of your fleeting
Drunken
Love

Because pointing out the truth is taboo
Asking questions is for the weak
“Haven’t you learned to read my mind?
Can’t you see I don’t want to hear it?”

Running on the fumes of false promises and fake dreams
Trying to build a castle from the ground up while the sand dries and crumbles in your wake, unseen
Under phantom touches and the trembling of your hands
Shaking from the weight of the world
The thunder of your footfalls when you
Inevitably
stumble
And what’s left of slow built foundations
Erode away with the crash of waves
you’ve never touched
You never will
sneaking up behind you
They pull you under
Fill your lungs
And
You
Don’t
Fight

this grey in my chest is expanding
leaving me cold
in a way blankets
and heaters
and showers
and your warm body
don't help

the distance between my feelings
and my ability to feel them
is a vast chasm over which I stare
watching all the colors
turn grey
like those dreams where you jump
and instead of landing you just
keep
falling
slowly
like gravity is wrong
or you're under water
sinking

the sky above the surface isn't even blue anymore
the water is ice cold
and I am heavy
with the weight of feelings
that leave me numb
breathless
drowning
cold

clinging desperately to the shreds of my sanity
wishing I could melt away into the sea
breathe the salt water like air into my lungs
become one with the motion of the waves
and drift away

See the Dreamer, in the Dreaming
Watch her Wake to the sound of Screaming
Throat raw and Aching
her Heart is Breaking
See the Dreamer, watch her Falling
See her break; deny her Calling
Watch the Ticking
Clock is Ticking
Time is winding Out

See the Dreamer, back to Dreaming
Forever hears the sound of Screaming
the Heart is Aching
Her hands were Shaking
As the Dreamer, in her Dreaming
Found herself in silence Screaming
Clock is Shattered
Girl is Battered
Time has all run Out



Something changed, along the line. Beautiful, precious, loved. But no longer there.
We have different paths. I think it's time to listen with my heart, let you go to fly or falter on your own. I can feel your wings beating against my palms, struggling to be free. It's time to set you free from the gilded cage I've kept you in. I may not be here when.. nay, if you return, but I will always love you.

No matter how much you hurt me, I never wanted you to go.



As for everyone else...

If you want gone, turn and leave. I'm tired of people turning from me somewhere down the line, and I'm tired of trying. I won't keep you here if you're not interested in me for exactly who I am. If I have to change to make you happy, you can either deal with me as I am or get out of my sight. If I have to try too hard, I won't. No more promises, not now nor ever.

It hurts too much. Break my heart and set me free if you need to, but don't jerk me around by it anymore.

Nobody new. Nobody else.