Best to be the Changing Water

I feel like such a wreck. I still don’t know what I did that was worth throwing our whole friendship away.

I showered last night, for the first time in… nine days? Wasn’t until I pumped the soap into my scrubbie that it clicked: my soap is coconut, like my sunscreen, and it makes me think of beaches and you.

I lay awake at night, body exhausted and ready for sleep, eyes tired, brain wired and spinning a mile a minute with thoughts of you. Wishing, wondering, and digging at the wound in my heart like I can somehow carve those four months out of it and start again.


Also I think my cat is dying. He’s technically a senior cat now, nearly twelve (if his paperwork was accurate) and has been hyperthyroid for years now. I started treating him with cbd when I couldn’t afford the compound lotion I had to dose in his ears (which he hated, loathed, could taste, and despised) when I could hardly remember to do it twice a day let alone find him and struggle with him to get it done. He improved, drastically, seemed in less pain from his hips, lost a lot of the swelling and water weight.

This year he went from probably 18-20lbs of cat… to maybe 11-12lbs. I think he just.. stopped eating the dry food. He’s peeing a TON, he looks old man skinny, when I give him his treats laced with cbd he acts like he’s starving. I’ve been supplementing with wet food, picked up broth, picked up wet treats, anything to get calories in him. He also suddenly lost a ton of fur down his back when I brushed him one day, and his back was scaly/scabby… we’ve gone back to full grain free food, he got a bath with oatmeal and aloe shampoo, and he improved, but I’m still scared I’m gonna wake up and find him gone one day and I don’t know if I can handle that right now.

He’s been so much more affectionate. He laid down with his paws and chest on my outstretched hand yesterday and purred himself to sleep— terrifying me in the process when his head did the sleepy kitten trick and just BONK right into my hand. Of course, then he came up in my lap and decided to pee on me when he woke up, so it’s a mixed bag.

I’m so extra depresso it’s not even funny right now, and we’re just heading into SAD season to boot. I wish I could disappear, become someone else, somewhere else, or even just stop existing for a while. Existence requires too much upkeep. There’s all these things to do, this body to look after, these feelings like waves crashing over my head that won’t let me come up for more than a gasp at a time. Work to make money to keep a roof over me and mine, keep food in our bellies, keep gas in our cars, just live in this capitalist world. No energy for hobbies or even chores. I just want to turn my body over to someone else to run for a while, take a vacation via astral projection.


Yeet my consciousness into space, free me from the bondage of being human.


Don’t worry, I’m not dying anytime soon