Best to be the Changing Water

I miss you every day. It’s only been two weeks and you’re still constantly on my mind, even if you’ve gone out of your way to disappear from my life.

I have so many feelings still. Betrayal, anger, sadness.

You promised when we got together that it wouldn’t affect our friendship if we broke up. Apparently you lied. You even said when we were breaking up that you wanted to stay friends, and then you blocked me on every platform we both shared.

I feel sure I know your reasons; I’m sure you feel like you’re protecting yourself. I’m sure she told you it was for the best, too. All I ever wanted for you was happiness, so I hope she makes you happy.

I still think she drove a wedge between all of us. I think she was jealous, and wanted you for herself. I know she didn't understand that there can be different levels of affection and connection in a poly group; I know L and I didn't connect with her on the same level we connected with you. I know she stepped in where it wasn't her place, too.

I'm still upset that it was so easy to break us. I thought we were stronger than that. I thought we could handle a little stress, work it out; I thought I could tell you all my feelings and you'd at least recognize that I was feeling upset. I was clearly wrong. It feels like I was wrong about so many things with you.

The only thing I know wasn't wrong was my love for you.

But if I could go back in time, I don't know whether it would be to go back and never ask you out in the first place, or just to go back to that day and keep my fool mouth shut. Even if I was just tightly wound and wanting more than I knew you had to give, worried for your health and safety, wanting the best for you.

I thought I was meant for you. I thought you would have my back, love me the way I love you.

I forgot that the arrangement was that it was my turn to be saved, not to try and save you.

I thought you could handle me. I thought you were stronger. I thought you were going to be a part of my life, a part of my future. I believed in you, in us. I believed you when you said you wanted to come out and visit, when you said you maybe wanted to come live out here with us someday. I was a fool, but I believed.

I built castles in the sky based on it, and when they came crashing down it left a ruin in my heart that will remain, a temple to the things that could have been.

You never meant to visit us, did you? You never meant to move. You just couldn't tell us, didn't want to disappoint us.

The same way you couldn't tell me when I had done something that upset you.

You told me you were dealing with "personal issues" and now I know-- no, I only suspect, but we're too much the same for it to be otherwise-- that those things were hurt feelings that were my fault. But you couldn't tell me that. You couldn't say anything that might hurt me, until it was too late and you said the things that would not only hurt but crush me. You never even really said goodbye.

Maybe that's what hurts the most. You couldn't be fucking bothered to tell me goodbye, to let me know you weren't coming back. You've left me with the faintest shred of hope for our friendship, waiting for the day you come back again. Which I will, because I've always been stupid for you.

I waited five whole years for a chance to be yours, and after four months of bliss, excitement, dreams... it's all gone. Worse than never getting my chance, I had it and I blew it and I lost you completely.

I miss your friendship most of all.

I try to live without regrets, but this... I know I'll regret this for a long time. Not giving you my heart, no; I could never regret that. Even if it still hurts, even if I still want to cry over the loss, even if I'm absolutely blindsided and crushed by how it turned out. But I regret that day. I wish I could take it all back and start over.


Yesterday, I found the one place you never blocked me for certain. Not that you ever answered me there to begin with, and I'm sure you're still on my friend list only because you use it so infrequently that you've forgotten it exists. But I can't help wanting to reach out, even if I know it's an exercise in futility, just to apologize and tell you I miss you. I won't, because I know you don't want to hear from me again. But I want to.

I still watch your posts on an alt account, just to know you're alive. Hoping that you've found peace. Wishing for the day that you come back to be my friend again. I won't reach out there, because I know that if I do I'll lose the last thread connecting us.

I haven't been on 'vu (save to check my inbox, to message with Rain) since you left. There's nobody there anymore except her, without you. L is here, Bec left us for SL, and everyone else I consider an actual friend hasn't been on in so long they may as well be gone completely. I couldn't even bring myself to log on to my laptop except to close everything related to the game and shut it back up.


I still think about you every single day. You're on my mind so much it drives me crazy. I spend so much time wishing I could wipe the slate clean and start all over. Wondering if maybe I should have begged you to stay, instead of just bowing my head and accepting it. The ache in my heart is constant.

I feel abandoned. The worst thing I could ever be, the voices in my head reminding me that nobody but me is really there at the end of the day. A reminder that I can't rely on anyone else, and a hard lesson in building castles that I thought were safe to build. They never are. Built on faulty foundation, made of sand and forever waiting for the tide to come in.

You couldn't even tell me why you left. I know I was overwhelming, in that moment. But that can't have been all, there must have been more, and my mind is twisting searching for wrongs I've done that left me deserving this. I must deserve it, or you'd still be here. I must have been so wrong for you. I must have been truly awful, for you to feel the need to block me and run.

But on the other hand, how was I to know? Maybe that's just who you are, always running from your problems instead of facing them. Maybe I was insignificant in the grand scheme, just another complication you didn't want anymore, to be discarded. Maybe you did lie to me all along when you said you loved me, though I find it hard to believe. Maybe you did lie when you said you wanted me, to protect my feelings. Maybe you told L the truth when you said you and he had more connection than you and I; he noticed it on our trip (and so did I but I thought I was just imagining it until he said something), but maybe even that was a lie.

Maybe that's why we never hooked up, really, never got beyond the petting. Maybe you didn't really want me that way, maybe you lied when I asked how you felt. Maybe we really were just both too shy, and caught in bad timing all the rest of the time. Maybe you only wanted me when you were drunk.

And who knows how often you were blackout drunk when we spoke, how much of what you said to me was forgotten in the haze of alcohol and sleeplessness. Who knows how many feelings were just fueled by booze, regretted and forgotten by the morning. You're too good at hiding when you're drunk, and I find myself wondering if I could ever trust anything you didn't tell me sober to my face.

But the way you looked at me when we were together, the ways I caught you staring in the rearview... these are the things that come back to me, that sit in my mind shattering the pieces of my heart one by one until I'm crying all over again. I haven't cried this much or this hard since Waifu and I broke up. I'm grateful to be able to cry, to not be numb, but I'm so tired of the ache in my chest.


And if you ever do come back to be my friend... I know I could never ask you about any of this. It would become taboo, a frozen chunk of time that we never speak about, that I never ask about, for fear of you leaving again. I would just have to swallow my feelings, choke on the questions and tears, and wait for the inevitable point of leaving again. Because if you've done it once... well, I'm sure you know where I'm going with that sentiment.

But I would still take that, and your friendship, over this empty space in your absence.

( Lyricspam! ) Who Needs Sleep by Barenaked Ladies


I'm going to need some sort of sleep aid for a few days at least, I'm thinking. I sleep, certainly. I get tired, I fall asleep, but I've had trouble getting restful, comfortable, deep sleep since I got home again. I toss and turn, my mind spinning a mile a minute even when I'm solid in sleep. I wake up with snatches of whizzing worldliness in my head, but no sign of true dreams.

I wake up feeling like I spent the night thinking about too much, like my head is full of things I haven't processed, full of too many ideas and wonders and thoughts and plans and castles. No real dreams, just snatches of probability, possibility. Nothing with form or cohesion, no coherence. Flickering bits of film, replaying moments that may or may not have happened, or are yet to happen.

I did not sleep well. Perhaps some decompression time is all I need, time to relax back into my ordinary life and the comforts of a scheduled reality. And some more forced sleep, courtesy of my friendly herbal valerian supplements and a hot cup of tea before bed.

So! Glee and squee and far too much research.

I am going to Burning Man, I am taking a new friend with me (for the love of god wish me luck on not going crazy or totally alienating either of my dear friends who will be with me on this journey), and I have totally no idea what it's gonna be like to do this.

Water conservation like woah, garbage bag over a wooden frame (with a plywood base?) on top of my car for evaporation of the minimal washwater for three people. (Is that even gonna be feasible?)

I can take a serious shower when I get to Colorado, all of us can. Michael's house has unlimited hot water, and I'm betting there's a truck stop we can stop off in along the way someplace and grab some quick stink-washdown showers between Reno and Denver. No guarantee, but I'm totally prepared to travel with stinky friends in my car if I have to.

Still debating on taking my bicycle. I'd have to do something artsy with it (not that difficult, but potentially pricey) and I'd have to either get a rack for my rear end or be able to fit it in my car.

Have been doing a lot of research with regards to food. Planning on taking a single drinks cooler (borrowing Mom's skinny cooler for that) and one dry-ice-and-frozen-water-bottle cooled large cooler for the frozen stuff. Foods that can be cooked simply, just-add-water style. Pancake mix, cream of wheat, pasta, rice, vacuum-sealed and frozen pre-cooked foods. Canned food, maybe. Definitely some pre-cooked bacon. Omnom.


And then, after Burning Man, I am going to Colorado for NanDesuKan! :D Probably not much time for visiting in between, and family is first priority outside of the con itself.

Unless things change, I'll be having to leave early (Monday after con) and cut my last visit (going to see Nii-san on my way home) shorter than I'd like, because my court date for this stupid parking ticket is on the 17th of September and it's a long drive home.

I might be able to figure out a solution that doesn't involve cutting my vacation short, though. We'll just have to see.

I think that's about all the ramble I have for tonight, boys and girls. See ya around!

Do you know the feeling of always looking for someone in a crowd, even though you wouldn't know what to do or say if you did see them again? Have you ever spent a day in a familiar place, wishing you could go back in time to when the memories were fresh and bright, instead of soft and faded 'round the edges?

I have. I still do, years upon years later. I find myself doing things in his memory still, every so often. Take a walk late into the evening, and stop at the gas station for a bottle of Dr Pepper before I go all the way home. Take a walk in the pouring rain when it's still warm enough, and smile at the memory of an April shower that we walked in once upon a time.

Back when my castle in the air was all in one piece, before I learned to stop trusting, before I learned to keep my dreams apart from my hopes.

Everywhere I look, there's now two faces I hope and dread to see, two loved ones gone and far away, but not beyond the reachable. Two people I wish I could reach out to, but I wouldn't know what to say or do if I were to find them again.

One I've loved for all my life.

And one I've loved for only a few short years.

A childhood sweetheart and a girl I can never forget.

Two people I'm scared to find again, because I've never known how to react. What do you say to the boy who broke your heart and never even knew? What do you say to the woman whose heart you broke? The ache is never going to fade.

I may promise a someday, someday when it'll stop hurting and maybe we'll be different people. Someday doesn't come.

It never stops hurting. It dulls, it fades until you stop thinking about it every day, until other things are more important than that singular, cherished memory. It fades away, but it never dies. Like an old injury, aching in the cold, it acts up from time to time. A reminder of what you've done.

When I said I wouldn't stop loving you, I meant it.

May you both go in peace, and cherish the good times, and gloss over the bad, and live better lives.. But leave my memories intact. <3

Apparently the combination of large amounts of time left to my own devices, and recent time regularly spent keeping up with flawless_mask (because I want to, because I like to read when she writes, because I want to see more, know more about her. Now that she's writing, I think she's the only other person whose journal I'm actually reading with any regularity..) has left me wanting to write in my own journal.

It's interesting to realize that you're living your dreams, even more so to recognize that you're living someone else's. Not to the fullest extent, but then my dreams aren't fully realized yet either.

I'm sitting here, feeling both a sense of contentment, and a slowly growing sense of boredom and uselessness. I could be doing something. But this isn't my place, and I don't know exactly what I would do. I washed nearly all the dishes yesterday, did a quick vacuuming of whatever floor was available, and the couch to clear it of excess cat fur.

I have no tea.

This post is much more run-of-the-mind than even I usually do, I suppose.

So, anyways. I'm sitting here in James' apartment, having decided to spend my three days off from work here. What will I learn, living here more? I always find myself learning more about people when I start staying longer with them.

I found myself slipping, yesterday. I think I'm fine again this morning, *pauses as one of the cats murrs and demands her attention* ...though I'm feeling more tired and groggy than yesterday. I'm starting to wonder what will become of me come summertime, how I will be. Summer's been an especially tough time for me over the last few years.

He's so accommodating, he's so loving, I'm certain any issues there are can be worked out with nothing more than some conversation and time. I feel as though I'm living someone else's life.

Secretly, I wonder if, without my mother being who she is, I wouldn't have been in exactly the same situation as Zee. Fewer siblings, and I the eldest rather than the youngest. But nonetheless.

I wonder if that terrifying disorder could have been my own. I see traces of things in my own behaviour, catch myself wondering. When they're not always voluntary, when I have to fight so very hard to keep them under control sometimes.

Mayhaps, just a twist in my own thinking, but there it is. The potential. I wonder if the opposite could be true as well.

I only wish there was more that I could do for her, more that I could say to help. The best thing I can do is simply to be there, and to truly be there when she needs me most, difficult as that can sometimes be.

I can't imagine life without her now that I know her.

Okay, I can. But I don't really want to. She's one of those people in my life that makes me happy. One of the people that I want to have around for the rest of my life, and those are few and far between.

It's tough to type with a cat in your lap, especially a large one.

It's nice to know I'm accepted by the cats, now. They stayed in bed with me when James took his bath yesterday, both curled up on my chest, one beneath the covers and one above. Spike mostly doesn't hiss and spit and bite at me, now. When he does, it's generally because I've picked him up and thoroughly disgruntled him, and I laugh and put him down. He purrs for me, even when James isn't around; they both do.

Sassy mews for my attention, comes running over to get petted, and when I pick her up into my lap she cuddles, purrs, settles. After sticking her back claws into my legs a few times, of course, in the course of her getting comfortable.

I'm thinking I will go and get dressed, see about going down to the exercise room and playing around with the equipment for a little while, going for a walk. Doing something that isn't being cooped up inside, comfortable and cat-filled though that may be.

I am looking on Craigslist (preliminary search and all that) for (small) HOUSES.

Or 2+bdr apartments.

Within James' budget.

GYAAAHH. >.< I'm like, an ADULT NOW. And moving in with him! Soon. And OMG WHATDOIDONOWGUYS?!?!

*Flail!*

Aside from continue to gently nudge my Libra towards the actual "thinking about how this all needs to work" side of things, cause he's adorable and good with being reasonably practical but he fails a little bit at the planning things out in advance thing.

Or maybe I'm just a little over-exuberant?

I DON'T KNOW.

Capslock?! The capslock demons have eaten my brains, guys. SRSLY.

Waaauuuggghh.

Anyway. I'm trying to get ahold of him via text (why is his phone never charged or on him or.. GRAHH! Kick him and make him-- HAH. Text message!) to ask such important questions as "What exactly IS the budget?" and "What radius from your current location/job should I be looking in?" and "I really don't need to look at more than just the apartment complex you're already in, do I? But I want to anyway.."

HELP.

I'm trapped in an adult version of me and I wanna go play at the park instead. D=

I JUST DON'T KNOW. I AM SO IN DEEP SMIT. HALP.

*Waits for him to text her some more.*


By the way, guys, did I mention the bit where I feel like I've been replaced with a pod-person? I was on the phone with Zee the other day, last week sometime, and went to get my book out of the car.... and got distracted by sorting boxes in the living room, forgetting the book. WHUT. But hey, I sorted a box!

I've been slowly actually sorting my way through all the boxes I packed from Colorado and getting rid of things. Next up is cleaning out this damned rat's-nest of a room I've got, and packing up things (in a couple months I'll get to the packing, for now it's just the cleaning what needs done) to move out.

OH MI GAWD I'M MOVING OUT.

WITH JAMES.

My brain is running little rat circles. And he's being obstinate and difficult. D:<

I do not want to ask how much he makes because I'm sure I will feel sadly inferior.. but suddenly I am in charge of apartment budgeting (self appointed though it may be) and sort of budgeting for him now too since he's just admitted to me that he really isn't very good at it.

I suspected as much. He's fabulous at saving, since he doesn't generally buy expensive things, but when it comes to actually budgeting things he's a bit of a--...

Yup, the inferiority is setting in. Christ, he makes three times as much as I ever did in my little retail jobs.

COLLEGE IS NEXT PLZKTHX. So that I can (albeit eventually) pull my fair share of things.

Cause he shouldn't have to.

Even if he makes more than me.

WAUGH. FOR NOW. FOR NOW, I SAY!

I am so totally random and spazzing today.

I AM PLANNING A FUTURE WITH THIS MAN. WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?!

LIEK, SRSLY. MAKING A BUDGET.

I feel a little woozy now... somebody make me a drink!

A new drink. Because I'm not, actually, terribly fond of mimosas. So when I finish this, I shall have a peppermint hot chocolate to make me all warm and fuzzy, and return to PUTTERING and doing STUFF like sorting and budgeting and being a GROWN UP NOW ZOMG.

...I think I need to go call Em now, and spaz at her for a while. Possibly do things and stuff while I spaz.

'KAYLADY ILOVEYOU BUH-BYE!

/logout

Welcome to 2009, guys.

I got to watch my brother wipe the floor with everyone in a board game last night, curled up with my boyfriend and generally content.

And then I made breakfast this morning, hangover free by some miracle. ;3

Things are wonderful, and I fully intent to keep my resolution this year: I am going to be the best person I can be. Strive for the best, get myself towards organized, stick to my guns, and do things right. To the best of my ability, of course. I know I'm not perfect, and I don't expect to be, but I will try my hardest to be what I know I can be. To do what I know I'm capable of.

Whee, this is gonna be a good year, I can feel it. Deep breath, dive in.

♥ Have a good one, everybody.

...A rose.

He's freakin' allergic to flowers, as evidenced even Friday night at the s00j show when someone tossed fresh flowers down in front of Sooj (we were in front, on the floor...) and he started getting all headache-and-eyewater until we left an hour later. But! he still bought me a rose yesterday.

For no reason at all.

Have I mentioned that I am MADLY IN LOVE right now?

Also, SOOJ IS THE AWESOMEST THING OF AWESOME THAT THERE EVER WAS IN ALL THE HISTORY OF AWESOME.

Vixy (vixyish) and Tony (tfabris) are damn cool too. And Betsy (stealthcello) is WIN on the cello, as always.

I could die of the happy going on right now. So much happy.

And then there's my birthday coming up and everything. I'm gonna beg off next Sunday from my boss so I get to go see Sooj again, at a bigger venue, with hopefully more of my darling people (KK, I'm making you come with if I go, and making you go if I can't. D< ) and just as much fun as always.

Srsly. Life is win right now.

Much is right in my world.

An evening spent relaxing does wonders, don't you think?

KK came and met me at work, spent a few hours curled in the corner conversing with me and a few of my customers even, and then took me home.

We went by the store, picked up things for dinner.

Came home, and we made a lovely steak dinner, with steamed broccoli and cheap betty crocker potatoes au gratin from a box. A glass of wine, cut with juice, for each of us.

And then we curled up on the couch and watched Treasure Planet until we fell asleep there, and stayed asleep there all night.

It was just... incredible. No stressing, no nothing. No worries about getting up this morning, because we both have the day off. No interruptions from 'Kaasan or the Child, as they're on a field trip this week. We've been listening to s00j's music all morning. <3

My life seems to be settling into a comfortable happiness. Niisan is coming to visit soon (nine days! Eeeeeee!) and spending a whole ten days here, eight of which I have guaranteed off. It'll be incredibly fun to spend so much time with him, and we can wander around the city and just.. be. As well as laze about a bit together, have some fun in his hotel, and such like. x3

I've finally found someone who understands most clearly, who is truly an adult about the relationship we have, though how long that will last I'm unsure, but I do truly care.

I'll take every day as it comes. He loves me, and I... yes, I love him as well, though I've not the courage to say so to him. He smiles and is understanding, and speaks his mind more often than not. He is honest and sweet, and I am thoroughly twitterpated. He doesn't mind that I am open with my heart, that I love easily and many.

He makes me want to turn and run, sometimes, when he speaks his mind and says he's so enamored of me, says he doesn't want to let me go and will never want anyone but me. It makes me pull inside myself when I'd rather open up. It scares me, and makes me want to run away, hide my heart and not ever let anyone find me and who I truly am, not ever. Because I'm so afraid to hurt him later on, so scared to reach that point where my fear of commitment takes over and I trash everything out of a panicked, irrational fear.

I'm already seeing the edges of it, here. So I'll close my eyes and breathe, and take every day as it comes to me. Enjoy the time with him. Communicate my hopes, dreams, fears, open my heart to him the way he has opened his to me, and maybe learn to trust again.

Back to the happy, I have four days in a row off this weekend, and so KK and I are going to clean the kitchen and shower and then run around town today. We'll meet up with Kaiba-san and her boyfriend to wander the waterfront tomorrow, and possibly James when he's off work as well.

And then Saturday is a date day, James and I are going to the zoo together. x3

Sunday, I've no idea yet. Maybe just another day to relax before I work all of next week. We shall see.

I'm happier than I've been in a long, long time.

( Cut for length: Zee and I have a serious heart to heart, via YIM. )

It feels really really nice to have someone confirm that I really am helping. That I matter, on a personal level. Because for all the crazybeans that she is, I love this woman to pieces. I do not want to have her crazy children, I do not want to have a romantic relationship with her (she's far more needy than I could deal with as a girlfriend), none of that. I just want to treat her the way I think she deserves to be treated; much better than she has been. And I just want to love her and be there for her, as long as she needs me.

I'm proud of both of us, really. She's been so broken, and been through so much... and she's finally getting better. And I'm.. I'm helping her. I really, truly am. Simply by being there, I'm helping. It makes me so happy...

*Contently smiles, and drifts off to catch the sleep she needs before work tomorrow.*