Best to be the Changing Water

Birthday wishes, today.

I wrap myself in a blanket to keep the chill at bay, and am never far from my phone. Will there be a response to my motion of friendship renewed? Who knows.

The past comes creeping around the edges of my thoughts again, but where the heat of late summer brings depression, and the cold of winter snow brings loneliness, here in the rain I find a kind of longing. Here in the late night drives I find a familiar comfort, warming my hands against the vents of the car heater and wondering what could have been.

We were always the traveling sort, together. Never could stay long in one place, always longing to follow our dreams, so long and so far away, no matter how wasteful and insubstantial they seemed. No matter how much they slipped through our fingers like the night's mist whenever we got close enough to touch them.

You used to sing to me. The very first night I stayed with you, you sang to me. You sang of a true love finding itself encompassing time and hardships, because of a shared past. We didn't share the right sort of past, I guess. We shared a hobby, and you were kind enough to listen to a young girl's tale of heartbreak. Kind enough to give her the affection she was craving, seeking without realising what it was she was looking for.

You took me in to your affection, let me in to your heart. You let yourself replace something I had lost somewhere along the way, but what neither of us realised was that I didn't have it to begin with. I was looking to replace a love that had never really been love, looking for someone who would play the game I was used to playing.

Instead, I found you. I found a sort of love, but one that was broken and tainted by both of our lives. We were too young, didn't know enough about the way the world works. Didn't know enough about each other and ourselves. I loved you. I still care about you enough to make amends despite all of the hurt we've cause one another in the intervening years.

I want to find you, to hug you, to tell you everything will be okay someday. I always have wanted to take care of you, look out for you, love you. We will never be what we once were; harsh words and deeds have torn us apart and make it hard to mend, but someday I would like to be your friend. I would like to be an ear to hear you, a shoulder to cry on.

I remember more good than bad, and it leaves a taste like dust and tears. You were meant to be in my life, not just as a lesson to be learned. I may have made a mistake in my judgment, in my timing, but not in my choice of person to love.

I remember best the times when I thought it was the worst, but I pick out all the amazing moments and I don't even remember why I was upset most of the time.

I remember going down to the big arcade whenever we had a little money to spare (there's one of those here; I always think of you) and playing games for hours. Somewhere I have a little metal key-tag engraved with your portrait, quietly tucked away in memory of the happy times we had together.

I remember driving for hours in the dark, music turned up over the sound of the empty roads, for no reason other than because we were young and we wanted to. Because we could.

I think that, right there, says everything about us. Because we could. We loved each other because we could. We laughed and cried and fought and made up, all simply because we were young, and we could. The world went on around us, nothing we did made a difference just then. We both made mistakes but they weren't devastating, no matter how dire they may have seemed at the time. No matter how dramatic we played things, it was always just youth's mistakes.

We changed each other. You showed me, unintentionally, everything I needed not to be. I cried because I knew I couldn't fix what I had broken. I left because I knew there was no mending for what I had been and done.

And in doing so I left you more broken than before, more shattered than I had ever meant to leave you. I said cruel things to make you hate me so I didn't have to deal with your love. I told bitter truths because I knew I was the only one who could speak up, because I was the one who had already broken your heart. There wasn't anything worse I could do than tell the truth so openly, so bitterly spoken, all with the pretense of helping you because I truly cared.

I would mend those hurts, wipe away your grief and leave you with a clean slate, free of the damage I have done, if only I could. I'm sorry.

So the tears here upon my cheeks are of loss and regret, like summer's rain pouring down to clean out her skies. A longing for what might have been, an ache of missing you. Poignant and soft, sharp around the edges where you least expect it, and so bitter for all the wrongs I've done.

Put the past away, and start again. It's your birthday. Want to be friends?

(Cont?)

Gah! Life, it gets so complicated when you have bills and are BARELY SQUEAKING BY. Dx

Or, occasionally, not even that. The rent check bounced (because I had checked the account, and the landlord hadn't cashed it yet! So I paid part of my phone bill knowing that I got paid and could deposit my paycheck the next morning. Need to see about this direct deposit thing.) and I paid a $25 dollar bounce fee, and am cringing as I wait for it to become dangerously close to that again.

Especially if LJ renews. Then I'm screwed. I'd be alright if I hadn't paid my roomie back immediately, or.. Well, if I hadn't gone out yesterday and spent some of that sweet money I had. That might have been better. As it is, after rent and before LJ's renew fee, I've got a total of about eight dollars in my bank. (ETA: Since my card numbers changed since LJ last had them, there will be no renewal until I get my next paycheck. Say byebye to my shiny paid account privleges for a while!)

Joy. And no way to get any extra until at least the weekend, unless I can beg Jess to loan me some of what I just gave her back. e.e;


On the other end of things, outside of finances, I'm doing incredibly well. Though there is a heartbroken and sick Jess to take care of, most of my friends seem to be in good, or at least better, places this holiday season.

I'm looking forward to a real holiday, though I may have no presents for anyone (and that's tough, for me.. I really want to have gifts for my boyfriend's family this year, and it just isn't feasible on my budget) at least I will have a family to spend it with.

Dear god, I am really and truly serious about this. About him. He still makes me smile. His family is incredible, and accepts me and likes me. My mom likes him, (and that's a first!) enough to allow him to stay over every now and again. I plan on not taking too much advantage of her generousity, though. =] It's a hard-earned privilege, but one only to be used in dire circumstances. =P

In any case, I'm starting to contemplate what it would be like, could be like, living with him. And alternating between completely content with everything after a weekend with him, and vaguely lonely because I'm so far away again. This kind of sucks.


I've forgotten what else I was going to say, having gotten a sleepy Jess on me and many other distractions since beginning this. I had to shower, for I have a somewhat unexpected work night tonight.. and oh, the joy that will be had when I tell my boss that she can't really switch up my schedule anymore because I've given availability to my second job in order to make enough money to get by.

Which will only help after a few weeks, when I actually start bringing in two paychecks. =D

Anyways, time to get dressed and brush my hair, and get all off to work now.

Much is right in my world.

An evening spent relaxing does wonders, don't you think?

KK came and met me at work, spent a few hours curled in the corner conversing with me and a few of my customers even, and then took me home.

We went by the store, picked up things for dinner.

Came home, and we made a lovely steak dinner, with steamed broccoli and cheap betty crocker potatoes au gratin from a box. A glass of wine, cut with juice, for each of us.

And then we curled up on the couch and watched Treasure Planet until we fell asleep there, and stayed asleep there all night.

It was just... incredible. No stressing, no nothing. No worries about getting up this morning, because we both have the day off. No interruptions from 'Kaasan or the Child, as they're on a field trip this week. We've been listening to s00j's music all morning. <3

My life seems to be settling into a comfortable happiness. Niisan is coming to visit soon (nine days! Eeeeeee!) and spending a whole ten days here, eight of which I have guaranteed off. It'll be incredibly fun to spend so much time with him, and we can wander around the city and just.. be. As well as laze about a bit together, have some fun in his hotel, and such like. x3

I've finally found someone who understands most clearly, who is truly an adult about the relationship we have, though how long that will last I'm unsure, but I do truly care.

I'll take every day as it comes. He loves me, and I... yes, I love him as well, though I've not the courage to say so to him. He smiles and is understanding, and speaks his mind more often than not. He is honest and sweet, and I am thoroughly twitterpated. He doesn't mind that I am open with my heart, that I love easily and many.

He makes me want to turn and run, sometimes, when he speaks his mind and says he's so enamored of me, says he doesn't want to let me go and will never want anyone but me. It makes me pull inside myself when I'd rather open up. It scares me, and makes me want to run away, hide my heart and not ever let anyone find me and who I truly am, not ever. Because I'm so afraid to hurt him later on, so scared to reach that point where my fear of commitment takes over and I trash everything out of a panicked, irrational fear.

I'm already seeing the edges of it, here. So I'll close my eyes and breathe, and take every day as it comes to me. Enjoy the time with him. Communicate my hopes, dreams, fears, open my heart to him the way he has opened his to me, and maybe learn to trust again.

Back to the happy, I have four days in a row off this weekend, and so KK and I are going to clean the kitchen and shower and then run around town today. We'll meet up with Kaiba-san and her boyfriend to wander the waterfront tomorrow, and possibly James when he's off work as well.

And then Saturday is a date day, James and I are going to the zoo together. x3

Sunday, I've no idea yet. Maybe just another day to relax before I work all of next week. We shall see.

I'm happier than I've been in a long, long time.

( Cut for length: Zee and I have a serious heart to heart, via YIM. )

It feels really really nice to have someone confirm that I really am helping. That I matter, on a personal level. Because for all the crazybeans that she is, I love this woman to pieces. I do not want to have her crazy children, I do not want to have a romantic relationship with her (she's far more needy than I could deal with as a girlfriend), none of that. I just want to treat her the way I think she deserves to be treated; much better than she has been. And I just want to love her and be there for her, as long as she needs me.

I'm proud of both of us, really. She's been so broken, and been through so much... and she's finally getting better. And I'm.. I'm helping her. I really, truly am. Simply by being there, I'm helping. It makes me so happy...

*Contently smiles, and drifts off to catch the sleep she needs before work tomorrow.*

So my last post was only the very tip of everything that is changing. I have been so busy and scatterbrained, I haven't even bothered to post much lately, so y'all have missed out on a lot.

I am growing up. I am becoming an adult. And I am happy.

( This is probably going to be long and rambly so I'll cut tag it. )

I do believe I've gone on enough for one post today. Time for me to turn my heater up a little, turn the music up, and get some cleaning and organizing done around here.

To all a good new year, and may you all prosper.

I really don't post often enough, do I?

Not like anyone comments when I do post, anyways, but some of you I'm sure still read and are interested in my life.

I haven't really been reading anyone else's journals much though, so I suppose I can't complain too much.

I need more fandom to write in, more plot bunnies, and I really really need to get together something that's a good, long story. Everything I write tends to come out either short and sweet, or unfinished.

From those on my list who do read my posts, and, perhaps, are authors themselves: Any tips?

The only things that I have that are any length at all, or planned to be lengthy, are my original fiction things, the two or three novel-things I'm working on. None of my fanfiction wants to be long.

It seems like what happens is this: If I don't finish the thought, write out the whole idea, get the plot out and down in one sitting, or within about a week, it will never get finished because I lose all my inspiration for it. So things have to be short, to get the idea out and across. Everything I've ever posted has been short, but I have about a billion things half-written all over my hard drive and google documents.

And when I try to go back to some of them? My writing has changed so drastically, I'm not even sure what to do now! I have improved a lot, and some of them feel like I need to re-write the entire thing.

Perhaps that will be today's effort, is re-writing Moonshadow and typing up the bit of idea I had for it.

Why do I get the urge to do this at the end of November..? Tch.