Best to be the Changing Water

So I'm sitting here, getting ready to go out for a walk (the laptop is running scans which are probably going to take all day to finish, and I can't run Yahoo while it's scanning.. I probably shouldn't even be running a second Firefox window, but I was bored to death and felt an urge to write for a bit..) and I find myself once more considering the past.

My keys to the apartment are on a soft lanyard, black with red NanDesuKan logo prints along it. Much like Gary's keys were on a worn, soft lanyard, black with Magic the Gathering print along it.

And here I am, spinning the keys, wrapping the lanyard around my hand in a habitual pattern, a smile drifting on my lips as I remember playing with his keys in much the same manner. Curled in an oversized black denim trench coat, sitting in on his fencing class, keys flashing through the air, making a soft jangling sound every time I'd catch them, pause, send them out again the other way. Watching him fence with his classmates, actually having a vague idea of what they were doing, because my stepfather used to fence, and I'd always had an odd fascination with everything he did.

The beginning was so happy, I'm glad to remember it. Being young and carefree, though I did things in my youth that I am ashamed of now; some of them I still do on rare occasions. Calling him "Kira-senpai", jokingly, though in the end we stayed true to our characters. I'm still Sara, young and naive; Matt's still Setsuna-niisan, the big brother, with our broken sort of love; Gary is still Kira-senpai, the bad boy with a heart of gold.

He was in my phone as "Kira" and "Kira-senpai" for a very long time, even long after we'd begun dating. Until I got a new phone, he got a cell phone.

I'm getting thoroughly random now, aren't I?

Mostly, I think that was it. Just that I'm remembering happy times, things that make me smile before I go on about my day.

Welcome to 2009, guys.

I got to watch my brother wipe the floor with everyone in a board game last night, curled up with my boyfriend and generally content.

And then I made breakfast this morning, hangover free by some miracle. ;3

Things are wonderful, and I fully intent to keep my resolution this year: I am going to be the best person I can be. Strive for the best, get myself towards organized, stick to my guns, and do things right. To the best of my ability, of course. I know I'm not perfect, and I don't expect to be, but I will try my hardest to be what I know I can be. To do what I know I'm capable of.

Whee, this is gonna be a good year, I can feel it. Deep breath, dive in.

♥ Have a good one, everybody.

Okay, time for a real update! 'Cause I know y'all haven't had one in a looong time. I've been too busy and stressed to keep everyone else abreast of my goings-on.

( Because this got crazy long... )

So, anyway. Chores call to be done, and the cat needs loving, and plans need making. So, I will hopefully be posting a little more often after this gigantic update.

See y'all soon!

So I had a fabulous week and a half, though it went by faster than I thought it would.

However, today being my first day back at work, it would have sucked slightly even if I hadn't been crazy mad ill all day.

Which I was.

Stomach pain and nausea, then a headache and probable fever, and I was dizzy and felt like someone was stuffing cotton into my head. Total suck.

Especially because I still worked my full nine hour shift today, despite feeling like absolute crap.

And still do, thus I'm going to go curl up with a package of saltines, my glass of ginger ale, and my book for an hour or so before sleeping.

Much is right in my world.

An evening spent relaxing does wonders, don't you think?

KK came and met me at work, spent a few hours curled in the corner conversing with me and a few of my customers even, and then took me home.

We went by the store, picked up things for dinner.

Came home, and we made a lovely steak dinner, with steamed broccoli and cheap betty crocker potatoes au gratin from a box. A glass of wine, cut with juice, for each of us.

And then we curled up on the couch and watched Treasure Planet until we fell asleep there, and stayed asleep there all night.

It was just... incredible. No stressing, no nothing. No worries about getting up this morning, because we both have the day off. No interruptions from 'Kaasan or the Child, as they're on a field trip this week. We've been listening to s00j's music all morning. <3

My life seems to be settling into a comfortable happiness. Niisan is coming to visit soon (nine days! Eeeeeee!) and spending a whole ten days here, eight of which I have guaranteed off. It'll be incredibly fun to spend so much time with him, and we can wander around the city and just.. be. As well as laze about a bit together, have some fun in his hotel, and such like. x3

I've finally found someone who understands most clearly, who is truly an adult about the relationship we have, though how long that will last I'm unsure, but I do truly care.

I'll take every day as it comes. He loves me, and I... yes, I love him as well, though I've not the courage to say so to him. He smiles and is understanding, and speaks his mind more often than not. He is honest and sweet, and I am thoroughly twitterpated. He doesn't mind that I am open with my heart, that I love easily and many.

He makes me want to turn and run, sometimes, when he speaks his mind and says he's so enamored of me, says he doesn't want to let me go and will never want anyone but me. It makes me pull inside myself when I'd rather open up. It scares me, and makes me want to run away, hide my heart and not ever let anyone find me and who I truly am, not ever. Because I'm so afraid to hurt him later on, so scared to reach that point where my fear of commitment takes over and I trash everything out of a panicked, irrational fear.

I'm already seeing the edges of it, here. So I'll close my eyes and breathe, and take every day as it comes to me. Enjoy the time with him. Communicate my hopes, dreams, fears, open my heart to him the way he has opened his to me, and maybe learn to trust again.

Back to the happy, I have four days in a row off this weekend, and so KK and I are going to clean the kitchen and shower and then run around town today. We'll meet up with Kaiba-san and her boyfriend to wander the waterfront tomorrow, and possibly James when he's off work as well.

And then Saturday is a date day, James and I are going to the zoo together. x3

Sunday, I've no idea yet. Maybe just another day to relax before I work all of next week. We shall see.

I'm happier than I've been in a long, long time.