Best to be the Changing Water

Long time no see, Dreamwidth. How's it hangin?

So much has changed. So much still hasn't changed.

How long has it even been? years? Since 2016, three years.

I'm still married (somehow), but my lovely husband has become my even lovelier wife in the meanwhile. Life has been hard, chaotic, depressed and painful and broke, for so long I sometimes wonder if it's worth it all... but then things begin to fall into place.

Last year I figured out my medication more: my antidepressant is a low dose in the summer and a high dose in the winter and the transition was almost smooth for once this winter. I only lost a week to the bleh, instead of months. And I'm on strattera for the ADHD and it finally seems to be working at the standard 80mg dose; fewer side effects than the adderall had and no stupid contracts to sign so I can still be an off-work stoner and drink a few drinks with my friends now and then. Missing my nighttime meds leads to a day of itchy bleh, but I trained the cats to harass me at bedtime for food and I don't feed them until I get my meds so that seems to be mostly working.

I started playing on IMVU (I blame little Nova for that) during the darkest times of winter 2017 and made some excellent friends and a new long term partner, who I had to kidnap from his abusive relationship in Wisconsin. He came home in October. I call him Babe <3

Boyfriend A (previously referenced in 2015) and I broke up over the summer, though we're still on great terms; he moved in with Waifu and I when Bachelor House 2.0 fell through and he's still here. Waifu had a chaotic adventure of six months with her job training (in Virginia of all places) and got opportunities to learn and grow, though things between us had been extremely rocky and tough and the six months was an excellent break from one another.

She's home now. We have four people living in a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom, 750 square foot apartment with all of my crap and three of us are clothes monsters. It's been chaos and struggling, but with storage we should be getting better soon...

And now Bunny has moved in because she got kicked out of her home. She and her sweet 6 month old lab/shepherd mix, Bear, are crashing on our couch with my wife.

Five people. Plus my two cats and my snek.

I love them all, and the money will get better fast this way but lord almighty the chores and the clutter and the only having one bathroom is going to be the death of me.


I'm going to try to keep up on this journaling thing even if it's just random thoughts; I missed writing regularly. I need an outlet for all the things that go on in my head so they don't take me over.


And in probably the strangest turn my life has taken in all this time... I prefer male pronouns at the moment. I spent a few months on regular testosterone treatments, and am continuing a very low maintenance dose. I feel more andro/genderfluid than specifically male, but presenting female is a rarity for me this last year. Presenting femboi on the other hand... XD

And Babe is a transman, too; making three of five household members transgender. It's a strange journey I'm on but I love it.

I think I've had enough typing for the moment; I have chore charts to go make so I can laminate them.

So now that I have screamed my updates into the void for all none of you still listening, I must away. I'm sure I'll be back soon. Or not. XD

See the Dreamer, in the Dreaming
Watch her Wake to the sound of Screaming
Throat raw and Aching
her Heart is Breaking
See the Dreamer, watch her Falling
See her break; deny her Calling
Watch the Ticking
Clock is Ticking
Time is winding Out

See the Dreamer, back to Dreaming
Forever hears the sound of Screaming
the Heart is Aching
Her hands were Shaking
As the Dreamer, in her Dreaming
Found herself in silence Screaming
Clock is Shattered
Girl is Battered
Time has all run Out



Something changed, along the line. Beautiful, precious, loved. But no longer there.
We have different paths. I think it's time to listen with my heart, let you go to fly or falter on your own. I can feel your wings beating against my palms, struggling to be free. It's time to set you free from the gilded cage I've kept you in. I may not be here when.. nay, if you return, but I will always love you.

No matter how much you hurt me, I never wanted you to go.



As for everyone else...

If you want gone, turn and leave. I'm tired of people turning from me somewhere down the line, and I'm tired of trying. I won't keep you here if you're not interested in me for exactly who I am. If I have to change to make you happy, you can either deal with me as I am or get out of my sight. If I have to try too hard, I won't. No more promises, not now nor ever.

It hurts too much. Break my heart and set me free if you need to, but don't jerk me around by it anymore.

Nobody new. Nobody else.

So I'm sitting here, getting ready to go out for a walk (the laptop is running scans which are probably going to take all day to finish, and I can't run Yahoo while it's scanning.. I probably shouldn't even be running a second Firefox window, but I was bored to death and felt an urge to write for a bit..) and I find myself once more considering the past.

My keys to the apartment are on a soft lanyard, black with red NanDesuKan logo prints along it. Much like Gary's keys were on a worn, soft lanyard, black with Magic the Gathering print along it.

And here I am, spinning the keys, wrapping the lanyard around my hand in a habitual pattern, a smile drifting on my lips as I remember playing with his keys in much the same manner. Curled in an oversized black denim trench coat, sitting in on his fencing class, keys flashing through the air, making a soft jangling sound every time I'd catch them, pause, send them out again the other way. Watching him fence with his classmates, actually having a vague idea of what they were doing, because my stepfather used to fence, and I'd always had an odd fascination with everything he did.

The beginning was so happy, I'm glad to remember it. Being young and carefree, though I did things in my youth that I am ashamed of now; some of them I still do on rare occasions. Calling him "Kira-senpai", jokingly, though in the end we stayed true to our characters. I'm still Sara, young and naive; Matt's still Setsuna-niisan, the big brother, with our broken sort of love; Gary is still Kira-senpai, the bad boy with a heart of gold.

He was in my phone as "Kira" and "Kira-senpai" for a very long time, even long after we'd begun dating. Until I got a new phone, he got a cell phone.

I'm getting thoroughly random now, aren't I?

Mostly, I think that was it. Just that I'm remembering happy times, things that make me smile before I go on about my day.

So here I sit, with a mug of tea warming my hands, in a robe and a pair of sweatpants that used to belong to my first boyfriend. The crazy one. The one I fell in love with on a warm day, trapped in fear of his mother's wrath on the back stairs. Sneaking out, afraid of getting caught like it would mean our demise, like some kind of Romeo and Juliet scenario; I decided my thundering heartbeat and the clasp of my sweaty, fearful hand with his must mean I loved him.

Two years of a mistake made. Feels like every time I turned around there was a mistake with him, but none of them seen until it was way too late to save it. I remember the good times now and then, but more often than not I remember the bad. I remember being someone I never wanted to be, dating someone I never should have fallen in love with. The first days, weeks, maybe months, they were fabulous spent together. Exciting, new, sharp and I felt so alive. Reaching out for love, grasping at straws and smiling when I thought I'd found it.

Only to have it all crumble. So slowly, one thing at a time, until all that was left was two lonely children clinging to each other in fear of the unknown. Fear of alone. Fear of not being loved anymore, either one of us. But neither of us were, we were just dependent on one another for affection that we didn't know how to find anywhere else.

I was stronger. I walked away, not unbroken, but in the end I was tempered by it.

Every moment I remember is a warning bell going off, saying I should never have been so naive. Saying he should never have trusted me either, of course. But a lesson learned is hard forgotten if you take it to heart, and I raised my head and kept going. My soul is strong.

Years have passed, and the lesson still lingers, still stings now and then. It's an old wound that's healed long ago but still aches in the cold, in the bitterness of winter when I feel this deep loneliness settle in. The acrid heat of early autumn leaves me in a fit of bored depression, prone to lazing and sulking about, a dulling of the senses that always reminds me of the past. But winter's chill seeps into my bones and aggravates the loneliness with nobody to ward off the aching cold, nobody to curl against in the night.

Late autumn's crispness appeals to me; a bitter taste of death melting in the air, mingled with the incredible colors of the world's changing, making way for new and better things. Blanketing itself in a cold winter, closing its eyes to the pain and resting until it finds itself refreshed, renewed.

Spring has never looked so positive for me before. The awakening, Nature opening Her eyes to a new world, to new beginnings, taking a crisp, clean breath of fresh air. Learning to live again, learning to love anew, and just learning to breathe.

I breathe in the deep warmth of my tea, let it soothe me like the springtime that I know is to come. Close my eyes and reach, a tentative mental touch of warmth and solidity. He would never notice, blind and deaf to his own power and mine, but all the same his warmth is like the springtime sun, heating me through to the core and melting the walls of ice I've built up.

And I know that this warmth will last, and hope that I shall never feel the cold of my self-imposed winter again.

(Cont.?)

Uggghhhh.

Two loads of laundry that need done in HOT water, and dry, and everything, before five pm. And I need a shower too, cause it's been three days and I feel like the grossest thing to have ever crawled out from under a rock. x.x

Ayame darling has been in the shower for forty minutes (and still going!), so there is no hot water, and I'm gonna need to wait an extra hour after she's out to even start this. I pray to god I can get this all done in time for 'Kaasan to get home.

Plus I have to figure out how Aaya is getting her transportation to my lovely's apartment where she's crashing briefly (because my 'Kaasan has her rules, and they don't change..) until we get her an apartment.


I now understand why everyone got crabby with me when I took forty-five-minute showers. Especially when there were other things to do. *Sigh.*

Oh well. I suppose I deserve it. What goes around, comes around.

Back to the other things I can be doing while I wait, I suppose. <3

Why are there people who don't seem to understand being told to screw off?

I'm sitting, on a date, and my cell phone goes off, right? Text message. Not something uncommon, for me. I've got a lot of people who text me, some who do so now and then even if they know I'm on a date.

However, this one wasn't from any of the usual suspects. No, this one was from Asshat himself.

Yes, the Great Ex Boyfriend of Asshattishness.

Requesting, once again, to talk to me, to be friends with me.

I ignored it. Last time we spoke on even vaguely friendly terms, I told him I was never speaking to him again. I don't want anything to do with him and his stalkerish obsession with me.

He expects that somehow, my decision will change if he keeps bothering me from time to time. But... no. Not after what he said to me, not after that email he sent declaring me a slut, a whore. Not after how he messed up.

I don't believe he still cares, he's just obsessed with what he can't have. Because I've made it perfectly clear that he can't have me, not now, not ever, not at all.

Somehow I'm seeing Bartleby and Loki, trying to get back into Heaven despite the fact that it would end all of creation for them to succeed. But I am not a forgiving God, I'm only human.

And while I have been known to forgive and forget, I won't be stepped on. He's had his chances at forgiveness, and he's blown them. End of story.

...I know you're reading this, because I know you stalk my journal, and Niisan's. Just leave me the hell alone already. I don't want your attention. GO AWAY. How many ways can I say it?

How many times do I have to?

You don't want me back. You want the ideal you've created around what we could have been back. You want the idyllic, happy little thing you see here, not the pain and anger and frustration. Remember my fists, the way I would scream and strike out? You were barely a step to recovery. You only made me realise it was a real problem, something I needed to stop. But you weren't the solution. You never could have been. Stop texting me when you're drunk.

Get over it. Turn around, walk away, and for god's sake don't look back.

It started as an introspective moment, and just kept going.

( From lights to wheels on the road... )