wild_dreamer: (Rin - happy mask)
Monday, September 14th, 2015 11:24 am
Four years. Four years absent, and here I am picking it up again in hopes it will help me clear out some of the clutter in my head so I can function again, hmm?

Married, mostly-functional poly for once, local friends instead of far away internet friends. Some of my friends are still back in Colorado, some of the people I love still live very far away, but more and more I've settled in here.

Which will make it all the harder to leave again. Husband (formerly known as Jailbait) wants to move down to Cali once he's graduated; better jobs in his field, better weather for his illness. I'm torn.

I have friends here, family here. Not that I haven't moved away before, but in Cali it would be just the two of us. It would be a starting over. Two people, two cats, against the whole wide world.

I'm officially fixed, now, too. Spayed. Check-up in November to make sure it worked properly, but it's not reversible anyway. Bite me, biology; no recreation for you. No passing on the crazy genetics to the next generation.

Started thinking about journaling again because it's hard to sort out some of the feelings in my head. Mostly thinking about the poly stuff right now; I'm married, dating a guy, and occasionally sleeping with another of my friends. Who happens to be roommates with the guy I'm dating. While my lovely husband is a total introvert who wants nothing to do with any of my friends or lovers for the most part, and is also busy with ridiculous amounts of work and school at any given point in time.

See the complications?

Add to that the depression, the anxieties, and the eternal pack rat in my soul, and we have Issues. My house is a mess.

Today was the first day in a long time that I've felt like just vanishing. The gypsy foot is strong, the desire to pack up from the boyfriend's house and leave barely a trace I was ever here, to vanish into the ether and travel somewhere. Skip work, drop obligations and responsibilities, take off.

Go boldly into the unknown.

Alas, I cannot.
wild_dreamer: (butterfly)
Thursday, August 27th, 2009 10:45 am
See the Dreamer, in the Dreaming
Watch her Wake to the sound of Screaming
Throat raw and Aching
her Heart is Breaking
See the Dreamer, watch her Falling
See her break; deny her Calling
Watch the Ticking
Clock is Ticking
Time is winding Out

See the Dreamer, back to Dreaming
Forever hears the sound of Screaming
the Heart is Aching
Her hands were Shaking
As the Dreamer, in her Dreaming
Found herself in silence Screaming
Clock is Shattered
Girl is Battered
Time has all run Out

Something changed, along the line. Beautiful, precious, loved. But no longer there.
We have different paths. I think it's time to listen with my heart, let you go to fly or falter on your own. I can feel your wings beating against my palms, struggling to be free. It's time to set you free from the gilded cage I've kept you in. I may not be here when.. nay, if you return, but I will always love you.

No matter how much you hurt me, I never wanted you to go.

As for everyone else...

If you want gone, turn and leave. I'm tired of people turning from me somewhere down the line, and I'm tired of trying. I won't keep you here if you're not interested in me for exactly who I am. If I have to change to make you happy, you can either deal with me as I am or get out of my sight. If I have to try too hard, I won't. No more promises, not now nor ever.

It hurts too much. Break my heart and set me free if you need to, but don't jerk me around by it anymore.

Nobody new. Nobody else.
wild_dreamer: (not so Alice now)
Wednesday, May 13th, 2009 10:57 am
Even still, you haunt my memories, my dreams, my heart.

Even now, I wake with an ache inside. It's been too long for me to wake up crying, not long enough for me to laugh it off. Maybe, without the closure I never got, it will never truly be gone. Maybe I will always love you, no matter how much I think "I'm over him, I'm alright now."

Even in my dreams, I was never exactly what you wanted. You didn't want my childish adoration, you thought me a tagalong and a dreamer. You would never have made my daydreams come true, would you? You would have one day told me you'd moved on; you'd have fallen in love with someone else and broken my heart.

The look on your dream-self's face when I smiled up at you and said "I've waited this long, I think I can wait a little longer" was terribly familiar. It was a look that said you recognized the love in my eyes and you didn't want it. So by the time I'd followed you into another room, you were hurriedly making your excuses to go. Somewhere, anywhere, you were going; I thought perhaps to get a new pack of cigarettes, and I kept thinking "If only I could get a straight answer from him, because if that's all he wants then I have cigarettes he can have." If only you'd answered me, if only you'd stayed.

You never can, never will.

Not even in my dreams.

I still wonder; did you love me? Any more than any other girl, was I special like you were to me? Or did you laugh at the way I continued to be infatuated, did you think that's all it was? Too kind to outright tell me, too far away in everything you had to deal with at the time.

Have you forgotten me? Or do you still remember, do you wonder what we could have been, do you still dream of me sometimes?

I miss you.

I wouldn't go back and change things, not even if I had the power, but I wish I could see you again. Even if it's just to tell you, with a sad smile, that I wasn't just a child with an infatuation, that I still love you, that I probably always will. Tell you to have a wonderful life, with the family you've created. Walk away, and then I'll be able to never look back. I'll be able to find my closure and let you go.

But I'll still never forget you, and I'll never stop loving you.

Even if you still break my heart in my dreams.
wild_dreamer: (AS - Kira "Heh")
Monday, May 4th, 2009 12:41 pm
So I'm sitting here, getting ready to go out for a walk (the laptop is running scans which are probably going to take all day to finish, and I can't run Yahoo while it's scanning.. I probably shouldn't even be running a second Firefox window, but I was bored to death and felt an urge to write for a bit..) and I find myself once more considering the past.

My keys to the apartment are on a soft lanyard, black with red NanDesuKan logo prints along it. Much like Gary's keys were on a worn, soft lanyard, black with Magic the Gathering print along it.

And here I am, spinning the keys, wrapping the lanyard around my hand in a habitual pattern, a smile drifting on my lips as I remember playing with his keys in much the same manner. Curled in an oversized black denim trench coat, sitting in on his fencing class, keys flashing through the air, making a soft jangling sound every time I'd catch them, pause, send them out again the other way. Watching him fence with his classmates, actually having a vague idea of what they were doing, because my stepfather used to fence, and I'd always had an odd fascination with everything he did.

The beginning was so happy, I'm glad to remember it. Being young and carefree, though I did things in my youth that I am ashamed of now; some of them I still do on rare occasions. Calling him "Kira-senpai", jokingly, though in the end we stayed true to our characters. I'm still Sara, young and naive; Matt's still Setsuna-niisan, the big brother, with our broken sort of love; Gary is still Kira-senpai, the bad boy with a heart of gold.

He was in my phone as "Kira" and "Kira-senpai" for a very long time, even long after we'd begun dating. Until I got a new phone, he got a cell phone.

I'm getting thoroughly random now, aren't I?

Mostly, I think that was it. Just that I'm remembering happy times, things that make me smile before I go on about my day.
wild_dreamer: (SPN - b&w emo!Sam)
Thursday, April 16th, 2009 10:54 am
Curled, waiting. Like sitting in a chair in the dark, waiting for that door to open again. Worry wars with anger, the words bubbling to the tip of my tongue, angry and bitter and bent to hurt, but they don't come out. I just sit, and I wait.

Words that aren't the truth pit themselves against the ones that are inside my head, and I'm ashamed at myself for slipping back towards that filthy-mouthed child I used to be. Picking the points where it hurts the most, just to get a reaction, any sort of reaction.

Anything is better than this silence, listening to the clock tick, waiting. The words I want, the words that are full of love and worry, they don't get a reaction. My concern slides by unnoticed, because it isn't what they want to hear right now, not really. They want to believe they are alone, they force that loneliness upon themselves.

I'm still waiting here, fingers around a cup of tea to keep me company, lights left out. The door's unlocked, my heart aching with unknown possibilities.

Please, come home.

Please, be safe.

I'm waiting.
wild_dreamer: (Utena - revolution)
Friday, January 9th, 2009 01:30 pm
So here I sit, with a mug of tea warming my hands, in a robe and a pair of sweatpants that used to belong to my first boyfriend. The crazy one. The one I fell in love with on a warm day, trapped in fear of his mother's wrath on the back stairs. Sneaking out, afraid of getting caught like it would mean our demise, like some kind of Romeo and Juliet scenario; I decided my thundering heartbeat and the clasp of my sweaty, fearful hand with his must mean I loved him.

Two years of a mistake made. Feels like every time I turned around there was a mistake with him, but none of them seen until it was way too late to save it. I remember the good times now and then, but more often than not I remember the bad. I remember being someone I never wanted to be, dating someone I never should have fallen in love with. The first days, weeks, maybe months, they were fabulous spent together. Exciting, new, sharp and I felt so alive. Reaching out for love, grasping at straws and smiling when I thought I'd found it.

Only to have it all crumble. So slowly, one thing at a time, until all that was left was two lonely children clinging to each other in fear of the unknown. Fear of alone. Fear of not being loved anymore, either one of us. But neither of us were, we were just dependent on one another for affection that we didn't know how to find anywhere else.

I was stronger. I walked away, not unbroken, but in the end I was tempered by it.

Every moment I remember is a warning bell going off, saying I should never have been so naive. Saying he should never have trusted me either, of course. But a lesson learned is hard forgotten if you take it to heart, and I raised my head and kept going. My soul is strong.

Years have passed, and the lesson still lingers, still stings now and then. It's an old wound that's healed long ago but still aches in the cold, in the bitterness of winter when I feel this deep loneliness settle in. The acrid heat of early autumn leaves me in a fit of bored depression, prone to lazing and sulking about, a dulling of the senses that always reminds me of the past. But winter's chill seeps into my bones and aggravates the loneliness with nobody to ward off the aching cold, nobody to curl against in the night.

Late autumn's crispness appeals to me; a bitter taste of death melting in the air, mingled with the incredible colors of the world's changing, making way for new and better things. Blanketing itself in a cold winter, closing its eyes to the pain and resting until it finds itself refreshed, renewed.

Spring has never looked so positive for me before. The awakening, Nature opening Her eyes to a new world, to new beginnings, taking a crisp, clean breath of fresh air. Learning to live again, learning to love anew, and just learning to breathe.

I breathe in the deep warmth of my tea, let it soothe me like the springtime that I know is to come. Close my eyes and reach, a tentative mental touch of warmth and solidity. He would never notice, blind and deaf to his own power and mine, but all the same his warmth is like the springtime sun, heating me through to the core and melting the walls of ice I've built up.

And I know that this warmth will last, and hope that I shall never feel the cold of my self-imposed winter again.

wild_dreamer: (Default)
Tuesday, December 9th, 2008 11:30 am
Gah! Life, it gets so complicated when you have bills and are BARELY SQUEAKING BY. Dx

Or, occasionally, not even that. The rent check bounced (because I had checked the account, and the landlord hadn't cashed it yet! So I paid part of my phone bill knowing that I got paid and could deposit my paycheck the next morning. Need to see about this direct deposit thing.) and I paid a $25 dollar bounce fee, and am cringing as I wait for it to become dangerously close to that again.

Especially if LJ renews. Then I'm screwed. I'd be alright if I hadn't paid my roomie back immediately, or.. Well, if I hadn't gone out yesterday and spent some of that sweet money I had. That might have been better. As it is, after rent and before LJ's renew fee, I've got a total of about eight dollars in my bank. (ETA: Since my card numbers changed since LJ last had them, there will be no renewal until I get my next paycheck. Say byebye to my shiny paid account privleges for a while!)

Joy. And no way to get any extra until at least the weekend, unless I can beg Jess to loan me some of what I just gave her back. e.e;

On the other end of things, outside of finances, I'm doing incredibly well. Though there is a heartbroken and sick Jess to take care of, most of my friends seem to be in good, or at least better, places this holiday season.

I'm looking forward to a real holiday, though I may have no presents for anyone (and that's tough, for me.. I really want to have gifts for my boyfriend's family this year, and it just isn't feasible on my budget) at least I will have a family to spend it with.

Dear god, I am really and truly serious about this. About him. He still makes me smile. His family is incredible, and accepts me and likes me. My mom likes him, (and that's a first!) enough to allow him to stay over every now and again. I plan on not taking too much advantage of her generousity, though. =] It's a hard-earned privilege, but one only to be used in dire circumstances. =P

In any case, I'm starting to contemplate what it would be like, could be like, living with him. And alternating between completely content with everything after a weekend with him, and vaguely lonely because I'm so far away again. This kind of sucks.

I've forgotten what else I was going to say, having gotten a sleepy Jess on me and many other distractions since beginning this. I had to shower, for I have a somewhat unexpected work night tonight.. and oh, the joy that will be had when I tell my boss that she can't really switch up my schedule anymore because I've given availability to my second job in order to make enough money to get by.

Which will only help after a few weeks, when I actually start bringing in two paychecks. =D

Anyways, time to get dressed and brush my hair, and get all off to work now.
wild_dreamer: (Crashed PC)
Thursday, October 30th, 2008 01:18 pm

Two loads of laundry that need done in HOT water, and dry, and everything, before five pm. And I need a shower too, cause it's been three days and I feel like the grossest thing to have ever crawled out from under a rock. x.x

Ayame darling has been in the shower for forty minutes (and still going!), so there is no hot water, and I'm gonna need to wait an extra hour after she's out to even start this. I pray to god I can get this all done in time for 'Kaasan to get home.

Plus I have to figure out how Aaya is getting her transportation to my lovely's apartment where she's crashing briefly (because my 'Kaasan has her rules, and they don't change..) until we get her an apartment.

I now understand why everyone got crabby with me when I took forty-five-minute showers. Especially when there were other things to do. *Sigh.*

Oh well. I suppose I deserve it. What goes around, comes around.

Back to the other things I can be doing while I wait, I suppose. <3
wild_dreamer: (Akito - darkness)
Monday, October 27th, 2008 05:40 pm
I hope "We'd really love to hire all of you, you're all fabulous!" was a) true and b) doesn't mean they have to choose the least qualified person (that would be me) to not hire.

As for the rest of my time, let's just say I'm about ready to lose my mind.

I'm gonna go pick up some food and go sit in a park with my notebook or something.

I seem to be the problem here. I can't wait until I get a job so I don't have to be around anymore.

By then, of course, Mom'll be back and Zee will be somewhere. Christ knows where at this point.

I owe someone my soul in about five days. Maybe if I put my soul contract on ebay I can get enough for rent. Any opinions, guys?

On the bright side, the weather's been gorgeous, if cold.
wild_dreamer: (Freckle - overenthusiastic)
Sunday, June 1st, 2008 12:49 pm
Why are there people who don't seem to understand being told to screw off?

I'm sitting, on a date, and my cell phone goes off, right? Text message. Not something uncommon, for me. I've got a lot of people who text me, some who do so now and then even if they know I'm on a date.

However, this one wasn't from any of the usual suspects. No, this one was from Asshat himself.

Yes, the Great Ex Boyfriend of Asshattishness.

Requesting, once again, to talk to me, to be friends with me.

I ignored it. Last time we spoke on even vaguely friendly terms, I told him I was never speaking to him again. I don't want anything to do with him and his stalkerish obsession with me.

He expects that somehow, my decision will change if he keeps bothering me from time to time. But... no. Not after what he said to me, not after that email he sent declaring me a slut, a whore. Not after how he messed up.

I don't believe he still cares, he's just obsessed with what he can't have. Because I've made it perfectly clear that he can't have me, not now, not ever, not at all.

Somehow I'm seeing Bartleby and Loki, trying to get back into Heaven despite the fact that it would end all of creation for them to succeed. But I am not a forgiving God, I'm only human.

And while I have been known to forgive and forget, I won't be stepped on. He's had his chances at forgiveness, and he's blown them. End of story.

...I know you're reading this, because I know you stalk my journal, and Niisan's. Just leave me the hell alone already. I don't want your attention. GO AWAY. How many ways can I say it?

How many times do I have to?

You don't want me back. You want the ideal you've created around what we could have been back. You want the idyllic, happy little thing you see here, not the pain and anger and frustration. Remember my fists, the way I would scream and strike out? You were barely a step to recovery. You only made me realise it was a real problem, something I needed to stop. But you weren't the solution. You never could have been. Stop texting me when you're drunk.

Get over it. Turn around, walk away, and for god's sake don't look back.
wild_dreamer: (that girl)
Thursday, April 10th, 2008 10:39 pm
Cut for length: Zee and I have a serious heart to heart, via YIM. )

It feels really really nice to have someone confirm that I really am helping. That I matter, on a personal level. Because for all the crazybeans that she is, I love this woman to pieces. I do not want to have her crazy children, I do not want to have a romantic relationship with her (she's far more needy than I could deal with as a girlfriend), none of that. I just want to treat her the way I think she deserves to be treated; much better than she has been. And I just want to love her and be there for her, as long as she needs me.

I'm proud of both of us, really. She's been so broken, and been through so much... and she's finally getting better. And I'm.. I'm helping her. I really, truly am. Simply by being there, I'm helping. It makes me so happy...

*Contently smiles, and drifts off to catch the sleep she needs before work tomorrow.*
wild_dreamer: (b&w lost girl)
Wednesday, January 16th, 2008 06:36 pm
It started as an introspective moment, and just kept going.

From lights to wheels on the road... )