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wild_dreamer: (Akito Sohma)
Friday, November 13th, 2015 09:59 pm
The meds seem to be working, finally. I'm still tired, but I'm doing better with personal care, and I'm much better about not being a crazy and emotionally unpredictable wreck.

It's weird having regular emotions. I get sad, disappointed, upset, angry... but not wildly and irrationally so.

Exhaustion still happens; the depression and anxiety are only a part of the chronic illness. And when I'm exhausted, the emotions still run stronger. But it's so much better than it was.

Today, I am exhausted. Today I was tired, sleepy, all day. I slept from around midnight until almost one this afternoon, and I'm still tired. Still sleepy. It's grey and dreary out, which is likely a part of it; the oncoming cold weather is surely another part.

Today I went home after work only to gather a few necessities before going to the boyfriend's for the night.

Currently, I feel disappointed, abandoned, left behind, alone. Old insecurities resurfacing. But it's my own fault, for not communicating. "I want to come along," I didn't say. I put my shoes back on, my sweater and jacket, my hat. But I never said "I'm coming, too." "Don't leave without me." "Wait for me." So now I'm here, alone, feeling left behind. Ugh.
wild_dreamer: (SPN - cute!Jensen)
Friday, September 18th, 2015 11:50 pm
It's curious how invisible illness changes the way you see the world.

Depression, for one; how many things has it taken?

Pain; just as many.

Today, though.

I got off work, went to my boyfriend's apartment (dubbed "Bachelor House 2.0"; if someone ever asks about the original I'll be glad to share the story), played video games, and smoked.

Last night, one of the roommates (who also happens to be another of my occasional partners) finally got around to doing a mega-clean of the breakfast bar counter in their kitchen; This morning I hugged him and thanked him, this evening I cooked up some acorn squash like sweet potato, full of butter and brown sugar and cinnamon. I cleaned up after myself.

I did a project I've been meaning to do at BH2.0 ever since the slow unfuckening of the place was started by the Pat: I cleaned out a candle jar that had burned up and turned it into a pen-cup for the errant wandering implements that lurk upon flat surfaces.

Conclusion: cleaner surroundings motivate me to keep them that way, and work in bite-size pieces on what still needs done.

Also: stepping on a piece of squash peel that's fallen on the floor hurts strangely when you have a chronic pain issue. =/

Also also: I think I'm gonna start implementing more of that "do it for your future self" mentality, because I appreciate some of the things my past self has been doing for me lately, whether intentionally or not. XD
wild_dreamer: (Rin - happy mask)
Monday, September 14th, 2015 11:24 am
Four years. Four years absent, and here I am picking it up again in hopes it will help me clear out some of the clutter in my head so I can function again, hmm?

Married, mostly-functional poly for once, local friends instead of far away internet friends. Some of my friends are still back in Colorado, some of the people I love still live very far away, but more and more I've settled in here.

Which will make it all the harder to leave again. Husband (formerly known as Jailbait) wants to move down to Cali once he's graduated; better jobs in his field, better weather for his illness. I'm torn.

I have friends here, family here. Not that I haven't moved away before, but in Cali it would be just the two of us. It would be a starting over. Two people, two cats, against the whole wide world.

I'm officially fixed, now, too. Spayed. Check-up in November to make sure it worked properly, but it's not reversible anyway. Bite me, biology; no recreation for you. No passing on the crazy genetics to the next generation.

Started thinking about journaling again because it's hard to sort out some of the feelings in my head. Mostly thinking about the poly stuff right now; I'm married, dating a guy, and occasionally sleeping with another of my friends. Who happens to be roommates with the guy I'm dating. While my lovely husband is a total introvert who wants nothing to do with any of my friends or lovers for the most part, and is also busy with ridiculous amounts of work and school at any given point in time.

See the complications?

Add to that the depression, the anxieties, and the eternal pack rat in my soul, and we have Issues. My house is a mess.

Today was the first day in a long time that I've felt like just vanishing. The gypsy foot is strong, the desire to pack up from the boyfriend's house and leave barely a trace I was ever here, to vanish into the ether and travel somewhere. Skip work, drop obligations and responsibilities, take off.

Go boldly into the unknown.

Alas, I cannot.