Best to be the Changing Water

Maybe if I put it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to
cause these words are my diary screamin out loud and it feels like i'm naked in front of the crowd

close enough anyway. I'm so stressed today about all kinds of shit so I might as well get it off my mind.

There are things I need to do to get my mental health on track. Some I know, some I don't.

I need to get my physical health back on track too. I'm doing good about taking my pills at night, but my sleep schedule is for shit and my morning meds are all over the place half the time.

I want to work out, or at least just get moving more often and with some kind of regularity. Martial arts classes are my "ideal" solution (scheduled, consistent, etc) but they cost $$ which we will be getting to. Babe has a gym membership, at least, so we can go do that when he's willing/available. Still doesn't put me in a scheduled place though.

I need to get on a schedule with chores during the week so we can keep up with maintenance once they get back to baseline. They need to get to baseline first, which is weekend chores. I can't live in a place this cluttered, but the gross mess stuff needs to get dealt with. I have a sudden understanding of why my grandparent's house was always just a little grimy; grandma didn't have the ability to keep up with everything and work.

I feel like work always has to come first because without it we have no money to take care of ourselves and the rest of the things. But my body and mental state means if I work hard enough to support myself financially, I have no energy left over to take care of anything else.

it's like this complicated web woven to catch me mid-net and twist around me, holding me in place against my will.

Work, chores, declutter, work out, enjoy life, relax. how many of them can I actually sustain? How do I get past the depression, the anxiety, the ADHD that leaves me in a complicated mess of "I should be" and "I wish I could" that always culminates in "...but I'm not" or "...but instead here I am scrolling facebook again" and I'm just as tired of that as everything else.

how do I get my poor brain working on a regular basis again? my body to sustainably not ache and cooperate with my need to do things? my wallet to not be a constant disappointment?

ugh.

Long time no see, Dreamwidth. How's it hangin?

So much has changed. So much still hasn't changed.

How long has it even been? years? Since 2016, three years.

I'm still married (somehow), but my lovely husband has become my even lovelier wife in the meanwhile. Life has been hard, chaotic, depressed and painful and broke, for so long I sometimes wonder if it's worth it all... but then things begin to fall into place.

Last year I figured out my medication more: my antidepressant is a low dose in the summer and a high dose in the winter and the transition was almost smooth for once this winter. I only lost a week to the bleh, instead of months. And I'm on strattera for the ADHD and it finally seems to be working at the standard 80mg dose; fewer side effects than the adderall had and no stupid contracts to sign so I can still be an off-work stoner and drink a few drinks with my friends now and then. Missing my nighttime meds leads to a day of itchy bleh, but I trained the cats to harass me at bedtime for food and I don't feed them until I get my meds so that seems to be mostly working.

I started playing on IMVU (I blame little Nova for that) during the darkest times of winter 2017 and made some excellent friends and a new long term partner, who I had to kidnap from his abusive relationship in Wisconsin. He came home in October. I call him Babe <3

Boyfriend A (previously referenced in 2015) and I broke up over the summer, though we're still on great terms; he moved in with Waifu and I when Bachelor House 2.0 fell through and he's still here. Waifu had a chaotic adventure of six months with her job training (in Virginia of all places) and got opportunities to learn and grow, though things between us had been extremely rocky and tough and the six months was an excellent break from one another.

She's home now. We have four people living in a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom, 750 square foot apartment with all of my crap and three of us are clothes monsters. It's been chaos and struggling, but with storage we should be getting better soon...

And now Bunny has moved in because she got kicked out of her home. She and her sweet 6 month old lab/shepherd mix, Bear, are crashing on our couch with my wife.

Five people. Plus my two cats and my snek.

I love them all, and the money will get better fast this way but lord almighty the chores and the clutter and the only having one bathroom is going to be the death of me.


I'm going to try to keep up on this journaling thing even if it's just random thoughts; I missed writing regularly. I need an outlet for all the things that go on in my head so they don't take me over.


And in probably the strangest turn my life has taken in all this time... I prefer male pronouns at the moment. I spent a few months on regular testosterone treatments, and am continuing a very low maintenance dose. I feel more andro/genderfluid than specifically male, but presenting female is a rarity for me this last year. Presenting femboi on the other hand... XD

And Babe is a transman, too; making three of five household members transgender. It's a strange journey I'm on but I love it.

I think I've had enough typing for the moment; I have chore charts to go make so I can laminate them.

So now that I have screamed my updates into the void for all none of you still listening, I must away. I'm sure I'll be back soon. Or not. XD

It's curious how invisible illness changes the way you see the world.

Depression, for one; how many things has it taken?

Pain; just as many.


Today, though.

I got off work, went to my boyfriend's apartment (dubbed "Bachelor House 2.0"; if someone ever asks about the original I'll be glad to share the story), played video games, and smoked.

Last night, one of the roommates (who also happens to be another of my occasional partners) finally got around to doing a mega-clean of the breakfast bar counter in their kitchen; This morning I hugged him and thanked him, this evening I cooked up some acorn squash like sweet potato, full of butter and brown sugar and cinnamon. I cleaned up after myself.

I did a project I've been meaning to do at BH2.0 ever since the slow unfuckening of the place was started by the Pat: I cleaned out a candle jar that had burned up and turned it into a pen-cup for the errant wandering implements that lurk upon flat surfaces.

Conclusion: cleaner surroundings motivate me to keep them that way, and work in bite-size pieces on what still needs done.


Also: stepping on a piece of squash peel that's fallen on the floor hurts strangely when you have a chronic pain issue. =/

Also also: I think I'm gonna start implementing more of that "do it for your future self" mentality, because I appreciate some of the things my past self has been doing for me lately, whether intentionally or not. XD