Best to be the Changing Water

Maybe if I put it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to
cause these words are my diary screamin out loud and it feels like i'm naked in front of the crowd

close enough anyway. I'm so stressed today about all kinds of shit so I might as well get it off my mind.

There are things I need to do to get my mental health on track. Some I know, some I don't.

I need to get my physical health back on track too. I'm doing good about taking my pills at night, but my sleep schedule is for shit and my morning meds are all over the place half the time.

I want to work out, or at least just get moving more often and with some kind of regularity. Martial arts classes are my "ideal" solution (scheduled, consistent, etc) but they cost $$ which we will be getting to. Babe has a gym membership, at least, so we can go do that when he's willing/available. Still doesn't put me in a scheduled place though.

I need to get on a schedule with chores during the week so we can keep up with maintenance once they get back to baseline. They need to get to baseline first, which is weekend chores. I can't live in a place this cluttered, but the gross mess stuff needs to get dealt with. I have a sudden understanding of why my grandparent's house was always just a little grimy; grandma didn't have the ability to keep up with everything and work.

I feel like work always has to come first because without it we have no money to take care of ourselves and the rest of the things. But my body and mental state means if I work hard enough to support myself financially, I have no energy left over to take care of anything else.

it's like this complicated web woven to catch me mid-net and twist around me, holding me in place against my will.

Work, chores, declutter, work out, enjoy life, relax. how many of them can I actually sustain? How do I get past the depression, the anxiety, the ADHD that leaves me in a complicated mess of "I should be" and "I wish I could" that always culminates in "...but I'm not" or "...but instead here I am scrolling facebook again" and I'm just as tired of that as everything else.

how do I get my poor brain working on a regular basis again? my body to sustainably not ache and cooperate with my need to do things? my wallet to not be a constant disappointment?

ugh.

Well that was probably the most absurd trip to the grocery EVER.

I got stopped on my way across the street by some nervous-looking guy, who rolled down his window and told me to go somewhere safe, lock my doors and find a gun. And then, get this, he offered me a ride. CREEPY.

I declined, as politely as I could, and he shrugged and said "your funeral, lady" and drove off. What a weirdo!

There was a strange lack of cars on the street, and even in the parking lot it didn't look as busy as a usual Saturday morning, but there were still a fairly ordinary number of people. Must be more folks walking to the store on such a nice day.

Then again, everyone was acting pretty strange. Stumbling around, groaning.. this one freaky guy tried to grab me, and it almost looked like he was trying to chew on my shoulder before I jerked away and went to check out.

I'm starting to think something's going on here. My weird premonition last night, people's weird behavior today..

It must be zombies. Tccchh. Yeah right.

(x-posted to wild-dreamer & onnakitty)

There's something weird in the air tonight. It's like.. a feeling of impending doom. I can't quite place it, but I feel like I shouldn't go to sleep yet, even though I'm tired. Even though I'm actually pretty exhausted. Like something's about to happen, maybe even already beginning to happen.

It's kind of giving me the creeps.

Does anybody else feel like this?

It's like I can feel the world dying. I've had it happen once or twice, when some major disaster struck; I had this aching pull, this unexplained nervousness before I ever knew something had happened. It feels worse now.

I've really got to get some sleep, it's probably just that I'm overtired. I'm gonna go dig out my iPod and put something calming on. Maybe Iron & Wine, that's been my music of choice for the last few days.

I'm not even in my pajamas yet.

Oh, and just as I'm actually thinking about settling down and sleeping, the neighbors start making noise. What is this, party time, all the sudden?

Uggghhh, I just need to finish this story I'm reading and get some shut-eye. I'll deal with the world tomorrow.

(x-posted to: wild-dreamer @ Dreamwidth and onnakitty @ Livejournal)

Gah! Life, it gets so complicated when you have bills and are BARELY SQUEAKING BY. Dx

Or, occasionally, not even that. The rent check bounced (because I had checked the account, and the landlord hadn't cashed it yet! So I paid part of my phone bill knowing that I got paid and could deposit my paycheck the next morning. Need to see about this direct deposit thing.) and I paid a $25 dollar bounce fee, and am cringing as I wait for it to become dangerously close to that again.

Especially if LJ renews. Then I'm screwed. I'd be alright if I hadn't paid my roomie back immediately, or.. Well, if I hadn't gone out yesterday and spent some of that sweet money I had. That might have been better. As it is, after rent and before LJ's renew fee, I've got a total of about eight dollars in my bank. (ETA: Since my card numbers changed since LJ last had them, there will be no renewal until I get my next paycheck. Say byebye to my shiny paid account privleges for a while!)

Joy. And no way to get any extra until at least the weekend, unless I can beg Jess to loan me some of what I just gave her back. e.e;


On the other end of things, outside of finances, I'm doing incredibly well. Though there is a heartbroken and sick Jess to take care of, most of my friends seem to be in good, or at least better, places this holiday season.

I'm looking forward to a real holiday, though I may have no presents for anyone (and that's tough, for me.. I really want to have gifts for my boyfriend's family this year, and it just isn't feasible on my budget) at least I will have a family to spend it with.

Dear god, I am really and truly serious about this. About him. He still makes me smile. His family is incredible, and accepts me and likes me. My mom likes him, (and that's a first!) enough to allow him to stay over every now and again. I plan on not taking too much advantage of her generousity, though. =] It's a hard-earned privilege, but one only to be used in dire circumstances. =P

In any case, I'm starting to contemplate what it would be like, could be like, living with him. And alternating between completely content with everything after a weekend with him, and vaguely lonely because I'm so far away again. This kind of sucks.


I've forgotten what else I was going to say, having gotten a sleepy Jess on me and many other distractions since beginning this. I had to shower, for I have a somewhat unexpected work night tonight.. and oh, the joy that will be had when I tell my boss that she can't really switch up my schedule anymore because I've given availability to my second job in order to make enough money to get by.

Which will only help after a few weeks, when I actually start bringing in two paychecks. =D

Anyways, time to get dressed and brush my hair, and get all off to work now.

Great. Big. Fucking. Sign.


I don't get it. I really, really don't get it.


"So, you know when you kissed me goodnight last week...? Well... that was kinda my first kiss with a girl."


My brain: "Ahahahahaha.. wait. You're serious?" AND "Ahahahaha, so what, you've only ever kissed guys before? 8D"

And then: "Waitasecond. So that means you're a... Oh fuck."


What came out my mouth: "Haha, really? ..You're so oddly sheltered. It's kind of cute. n.n;"


Now: "NOT. A. FUCKING. CHERRY. CHASER. No. Just.. wtf? Universe. You must hate me. Do I have a GREAT BIG FUCKING SIGN OVER MY HEAD?!?"

Universe: "Why yes. It says 'I Fuck Virgins' in big glowing neon flashy letters. Why do you ask? It's just next to the one that says 'I talk to crazy people'. Have fun with your life!"

*Headdesk.*

Plus side: He's cute, sweet, geeky, reasonably open-minded, and incredibly bright. Now the big question: What sort of crazy is he? =D

Tune in another time for the answer. As soon as I find out. e.e

But for now, it's bedtime. Cause I've gotta work tomorrow.

Thanks to a dear friend, my night was made full of LOLs. And zombies.

teh_antisecks: *skullmunch*
onnakitty: O_o
teh_antisecks: *is a zombie*
teh_antisecks: *omnomnom*
onnakitty: .....
onnakitty: ZOMBIES!!!
onnakitty: *Runs screaming*
teh_antisecks: *shambles after*
onnakitty: *Climbs a ladder, HAH*
teh_antisecks: *knocks the ladder down, leaving her no way down.*
onnakitty: *Still not being eaten. Has a rope ladder for later, anyway. Prepared for zombies.*
teh_antisecks: *tree gets completely surrounded by zombies. All of whom can wait for a very long time.*
onnakitty: *Not in a tree?*
onnakitty: *Has a shotgun and an unlimited ammo cheat code.*
teh_antisecks: *zombies start stacking on top of one another. Also, due to a programming error, the shotgun does 0 damage*
onnakitty: Fuck!
teh_antisecks: *victory: Zombies*


Brought to you by IM!puppet theatre. We're here all week. But he's got studying to do. And my brains are now missing. Haven't they always been? I don't see why the zombies wanted me to begin with...