Best to be the Changing Water

Even still, you haunt my memories, my dreams, my heart.

Even now, I wake with an ache inside. It's been too long for me to wake up crying, not long enough for me to laugh it off. Maybe, without the closure I never got, it will never truly be gone. Maybe I will always love you, no matter how much I think "I'm over him, I'm alright now."

Even in my dreams, I was never exactly what you wanted. You didn't want my childish adoration, you thought me a tagalong and a dreamer. You would never have made my daydreams come true, would you? You would have one day told me you'd moved on; you'd have fallen in love with someone else and broken my heart.

The look on your dream-self's face when I smiled up at you and said "I've waited this long, I think I can wait a little longer" was terribly familiar. It was a look that said you recognized the love in my eyes and you didn't want it. So by the time I'd followed you into another room, you were hurriedly making your excuses to go. Somewhere, anywhere, you were going; I thought perhaps to get a new pack of cigarettes, and I kept thinking "If only I could get a straight answer from him, because if that's all he wants then I have cigarettes he can have." If only you'd answered me, if only you'd stayed.

You never can, never will.

Not even in my dreams.

I still wonder; did you love me? Any more than any other girl, was I special like you were to me? Or did you laugh at the way I continued to be infatuated, did you think that's all it was? Too kind to outright tell me, too far away in everything you had to deal with at the time.

Have you forgotten me? Or do you still remember, do you wonder what we could have been, do you still dream of me sometimes?

I miss you.

I wouldn't go back and change things, not even if I had the power, but I wish I could see you again. Even if it's just to tell you, with a sad smile, that I wasn't just a child with an infatuation, that I still love you, that I probably always will. Tell you to have a wonderful life, with the family you've created. Walk away, and then I'll be able to never look back. I'll be able to find my closure and let you go.

But I'll still never forget you, and I'll never stop loving you.

Even if you still break my heart in my dreams.

Apparently the combination of large amounts of time left to my own devices, and recent time regularly spent keeping up with flawless_mask (because I want to, because I like to read when she writes, because I want to see more, know more about her. Now that she's writing, I think she's the only other person whose journal I'm actually reading with any regularity..) has left me wanting to write in my own journal.

It's interesting to realize that you're living your dreams, even more so to recognize that you're living someone else's. Not to the fullest extent, but then my dreams aren't fully realized yet either.

I'm sitting here, feeling both a sense of contentment, and a slowly growing sense of boredom and uselessness. I could be doing something. But this isn't my place, and I don't know exactly what I would do. I washed nearly all the dishes yesterday, did a quick vacuuming of whatever floor was available, and the couch to clear it of excess cat fur.

I have no tea.

This post is much more run-of-the-mind than even I usually do, I suppose.

So, anyways. I'm sitting here in James' apartment, having decided to spend my three days off from work here. What will I learn, living here more? I always find myself learning more about people when I start staying longer with them.

I found myself slipping, yesterday. I think I'm fine again this morning, *pauses as one of the cats murrs and demands her attention* ...though I'm feeling more tired and groggy than yesterday. I'm starting to wonder what will become of me come summertime, how I will be. Summer's been an especially tough time for me over the last few years.

He's so accommodating, he's so loving, I'm certain any issues there are can be worked out with nothing more than some conversation and time. I feel as though I'm living someone else's life.

Secretly, I wonder if, without my mother being who she is, I wouldn't have been in exactly the same situation as Zee. Fewer siblings, and I the eldest rather than the youngest. But nonetheless.

I wonder if that terrifying disorder could have been my own. I see traces of things in my own behaviour, catch myself wondering. When they're not always voluntary, when I have to fight so very hard to keep them under control sometimes.

Mayhaps, just a twist in my own thinking, but there it is. The potential. I wonder if the opposite could be true as well.

I only wish there was more that I could do for her, more that I could say to help. The best thing I can do is simply to be there, and to truly be there when she needs me most, difficult as that can sometimes be.

I can't imagine life without her now that I know her.

Okay, I can. But I don't really want to. She's one of those people in my life that makes me happy. One of the people that I want to have around for the rest of my life, and those are few and far between.

It's tough to type with a cat in your lap, especially a large one.

It's nice to know I'm accepted by the cats, now. They stayed in bed with me when James took his bath yesterday, both curled up on my chest, one beneath the covers and one above. Spike mostly doesn't hiss and spit and bite at me, now. When he does, it's generally because I've picked him up and thoroughly disgruntled him, and I laugh and put him down. He purrs for me, even when James isn't around; they both do.

Sassy mews for my attention, comes running over to get petted, and when I pick her up into my lap she cuddles, purrs, settles. After sticking her back claws into my legs a few times, of course, in the course of her getting comfortable.

I'm thinking I will go and get dressed, see about going down to the exercise room and playing around with the equipment for a little while, going for a walk. Doing something that isn't being cooped up inside, comfortable and cat-filled though that may be.

Urgghhh.

So, new job, right? New people. Awesome people.

Making friends with my coworkers. Hit it off pretty well with this one guy. I do not find him in the least attractive, and I'm honestly not that impressed by his social skills either, but we talk about useless things. Comic books, his military career... shooting the shit. We both just happen to be good at shooting the shit, and he's outgoing enough to chat with me.

He offered me a ride home, I cautiously (I don't trust people..) took it. Had him drop me off along my street, but not directly at my house. Got offered a ride to work Saturday morning, when I had to be there at 6:30 in the morning, and he was working that morning too. Swapped numbers with him, in case I changed my mind or whatever in the day between, or something changed.

He texted me to invite me out paintballing on the middling day when he knew I wasn't working, and I'd politely declined, saying I had family plans.

Got picked up Saturday (once again on my street rather than at my house, I'm extremely cautious about this because I don't exactly trust him) and everything was fine, cool, we talked a little both times he gave me a ride.

And then...

I get two text messages from him tonight, while I'm at work and he isn't. "Your Beauitful." and "Your Beauitful and Smart and nice. I like you." (Direct from my phone, there. Spelling mistakes, crazy capital letters, and all.)

Followed by a call that I didn't take (because I was AT WORK), and he didn't leave a message.

I am now convinced that he's a douchefag, was out drinking, and FUCKING DRUNK TEXTED ME.

He kept thinking I was mad at him for teasing me or whatever at work? I told him he'd know if I was mad. And boy, will he ever know that I'm mad at him.

Fucking douchefag.

Okay, time for a real update! 'Cause I know y'all haven't had one in a looong time. I've been too busy and stressed to keep everyone else abreast of my goings-on.

( Because this got crazy long... )

So, anyway. Chores call to be done, and the cat needs loving, and plans need making. So, I will hopefully be posting a little more often after this gigantic update.

See y'all soon!

When life is going so well, who needs to remember to update their LJ? Apparently not me. XP

Everything is going SMASHINGLY right now. I'm content in my life. I'm talking to eccentric_alex on a very regular basis again, I have a steady boyfriend who makes me very very very happy.

( Cut for length... )
I do believe I've babbled enough for one night, especially since most of it came back to the lovely new man in my life. x3 I'm gonna hit the hay and get some beauty sleep before I open again at work tomorrow.

Ja matta ne, Minna-san! [Talk to you later, Everyone!]

P.S. He's totally a PC. XD <3 Ja!

Let's see here.

Things I forgot from con babble: KK's friend's are like GOLDFISH. ATTENTION SPAN OF A GOLDFISH.

"We'll just go wait in line for the cosplay contest, right? YEAH. OKAY!" ...ten minutes later... "I'm bored. Wanna go see what else is going on?" "OKAY 8D WE GO BUHBYE NAO." *Facepalm.* Cue me puttering along after them and grumbling about goldfish attention spans.

We were in the line for the dance for all of about two minutes.


And on to post-con awesomeness now...

Hehe, I'm stalking James-san. Kidding, kidding.

*Five minutes of IM chatting later...*

OH MY GOD. THEY KEEP GETTING OLDER.

But I bet he's not a virgin... I would hope, anyways. *Stares.* Twenty-nine? TWENTY. NINE.

Holy shit. Not that age matters to me, and all, just... Ten years. Wow. I never would have guessed.

Anyways. My current fandom obsession is now DEATH NOTE.

HEART! I -just- met Mello and Near, and OMG Mello is a nutcase! Near is like a miniature blond version of L! SO CUTE. *SPOILER* made me want to scream and flail. I want *SPOILER*!

L IS LOVE. WHY???

I have got to go and mow the lawn before potential work today. Love!

*Runs off in a hurry.*


ETA: Rain, so no lawnmowing. Plus, DAY OFF. YEY. ...I'mma go play DDR dressed like Misa now. =D

Er. As soon as Roommate-chan goes to work and stops napping on the couch, that is.

D<

I hate my life; I quit.

/logout

( XKCD owns my ♥ sometimes.. )
xkcd, my favorite webcomic. Stick figures and all.

On another note, Labyrinth story of EPIC PLOT = *Headdesk.* I'm writing it. I'll finish it.

I swear.

People, give me encouragements and I may post snippets as I go. ;D

Okay, so.. I think I was too busy with squee about VVC back in August...

So y'all probably didn't hear as much as you should've about the -adorable- guy who came in and flirted with me so hard I couldn't see straight.

( this is gonna get long, innit.. So CLICKY for more. )

And this is turning into an entirely different rant now, so I should probably leave it at that, ne? ♥ to all.

And I almost forgot...

NELLE. JENN. I MISS YOU GUYS SO HARD RIGHT NOW.

I miss everyone back home too. Desperately, I want to see everyone.

But for some unknown and oddball reason, Jenn and Nelle are at the top of my want-to-spend-time-with list.

JENN. PICTURES. OMG. NOW.

Pleeeeeeaaaaaassssseeeee~?

I miss y'all. T_T