Best to be the Changing Water

A series of random things I wanted to say, some related to Burning Man, some not.

And some reiterating the same thing I have said on Twitter and FB already this morning, which begins with: Fucking ow, my whole body hurts. Muscles I didn't know existed hurt. When I breathed my tea this morning, coughing made me think I was gonna pull something important and then die, it hurt so bad. I love my self-defense class. And I am so fucking out of shape it isn't funny, BUT I AM GLAD THIS IS ALL AFTER MY BURNING MAN TRIP AND NOT BEFORE.

Before I left, I was coming off a year of couch-sitting. Very different from baby-sitting, as you actually do sit on the couch for it, and you definitely do not sit on the babies. Before I left, I was making faces at myself in the mirror nearly every morning, thinking "geez, this last year has been too happy. I'm getting complacent, and a little chunky in the midsection, there." Everyone else says "you look good! Stop fussing," but I don't feel comfortable in my body, and that is, of course, the most important thing. I feel heavy, I feel weighted down, I feel mildly unhappy with myself.

By the time I get back, I'm feeling amazing. Between all the walking and dancing I did and what they call the 'Desert Diet', I have probably lost most of the ten pounds I put on in the last year, and I'm feeling GREAT. Looking good, too, happy about it. Checking myself out in mirrors and saying "yeah, I'm looking amazing again. ;D" and the like.

Now, you're going to be wondering. ( What is the 'Desert Diet'? )

So with the walking across a city that was two or three miles across and ten or more miles in diameter, all of the dancing, the strange eating habits, and the returning to Colorado to a similarly active event (I didn't spend much time sitting at NDK, I never do), I was in much better shape than before I left. Not to mention that I went hiking with my friend Rudy while I was in Portland on my way home. LOTS OF EXERCISE.

I'm pretty sure this is the only reason I didn't DIE HORRIBLY during my self-defense class, and only had one moment where I had to slow myself down and remind myself to breathe slow and deep. But I made it through class, had a fabulous time, and probably didn't walk it out as much as I should have, didn't cool down well enough. Hence, being stiff and sore now.

You know what they say. The best thing for sore muscles is whatever made them sore in the first place. And a hot bath. ;)

I think that was actually it for right now. Oh, and my ceramics instructor is totally the Bob Ross of pottery. I kept expecting him to start talking about the 'happy little pottery' or something while he was showing us how to work the wheel yesterday. XD

That was all. ♥

Apparently the combination of large amounts of time left to my own devices, and recent time regularly spent keeping up with flawless_mask (because I want to, because I like to read when she writes, because I want to see more, know more about her. Now that she's writing, I think she's the only other person whose journal I'm actually reading with any regularity..) has left me wanting to write in my own journal.

It's interesting to realize that you're living your dreams, even more so to recognize that you're living someone else's. Not to the fullest extent, but then my dreams aren't fully realized yet either.

I'm sitting here, feeling both a sense of contentment, and a slowly growing sense of boredom and uselessness. I could be doing something. But this isn't my place, and I don't know exactly what I would do. I washed nearly all the dishes yesterday, did a quick vacuuming of whatever floor was available, and the couch to clear it of excess cat fur.

I have no tea.

This post is much more run-of-the-mind than even I usually do, I suppose.

So, anyways. I'm sitting here in James' apartment, having decided to spend my three days off from work here. What will I learn, living here more? I always find myself learning more about people when I start staying longer with them.

I found myself slipping, yesterday. I think I'm fine again this morning, *pauses as one of the cats murrs and demands her attention* ...though I'm feeling more tired and groggy than yesterday. I'm starting to wonder what will become of me come summertime, how I will be. Summer's been an especially tough time for me over the last few years.

He's so accommodating, he's so loving, I'm certain any issues there are can be worked out with nothing more than some conversation and time. I feel as though I'm living someone else's life.

Secretly, I wonder if, without my mother being who she is, I wouldn't have been in exactly the same situation as Zee. Fewer siblings, and I the eldest rather than the youngest. But nonetheless.

I wonder if that terrifying disorder could have been my own. I see traces of things in my own behaviour, catch myself wondering. When they're not always voluntary, when I have to fight so very hard to keep them under control sometimes.

Mayhaps, just a twist in my own thinking, but there it is. The potential. I wonder if the opposite could be true as well.

I only wish there was more that I could do for her, more that I could say to help. The best thing I can do is simply to be there, and to truly be there when she needs me most, difficult as that can sometimes be.

I can't imagine life without her now that I know her.

Okay, I can. But I don't really want to. She's one of those people in my life that makes me happy. One of the people that I want to have around for the rest of my life, and those are few and far between.

It's tough to type with a cat in your lap, especially a large one.

It's nice to know I'm accepted by the cats, now. They stayed in bed with me when James took his bath yesterday, both curled up on my chest, one beneath the covers and one above. Spike mostly doesn't hiss and spit and bite at me, now. When he does, it's generally because I've picked him up and thoroughly disgruntled him, and I laugh and put him down. He purrs for me, even when James isn't around; they both do.

Sassy mews for my attention, comes running over to get petted, and when I pick her up into my lap she cuddles, purrs, settles. After sticking her back claws into my legs a few times, of course, in the course of her getting comfortable.

I'm thinking I will go and get dressed, see about going down to the exercise room and playing around with the equipment for a little while, going for a walk. Doing something that isn't being cooped up inside, comfortable and cat-filled though that may be.

I've been listening to far too much BNL lately. It's beginning to infiltrate my brain and leave me with random song lyrics, as the title of this post may imply. Often, they really have nothing to do with the actual content of the moment/post/thought, or really much of anything at all, save being random lyrical accompaniment.

I did not get online to post about this strange phenomenon, however.

I got online to warn you all that the pod people are coming; nay, they are in fact here, and I AM ONE OF THEM, ladies and gentlemen.

James and I went out for dinner tonight, and had very tasty food at Red Lobster.

I had crab. And one of his coconut shrimps.

And did I mention the other day about my distracted-by-real-work episode?

I'm starting him hunting for zippers tonight, guys. For serious, this has gone too far and I must find out what bizzare manner of alien has infiltrated my brain.

I love you all, and just in case the aliens get wind of this and try to stop me, Fare thee well and I will see you on the other side.


*Trying not to start giggling.*

/logout! ♥

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"What is it?" or "What's wrong?"

Usually translatable as one of the following:

"What did I do (wrong)?"
"What did you do (wrong)?"
"What did someone else do (wrong) that I need to know about?"
(These are the most important three. Usually, in that order.)

"Oh my god don't tell me you're pregnant.."
"Oh my god don't tell me I'm pregnant.."
"I DIDN'T DO IT! D:"
"Please tell me you're not in jail, Matt."
"You can't be pregnant with my baby, Matt."
"Is this about those cookies? Because, uh..."
"I am a rock. Calm, stable. I am a rock. With, uh, ears."

The list could go on, but I'm tired and have had a long day for as short as it was, and I think I need to go get some sleep. <3


ETA: and then, there's this reaction.

Teehee.