Best to be the Changing Water

The same fight. Always the same, always pointless and sharp, words cut to hurt and emotions fraying at the edges. No real reason for this fight.

He pushes my buttons, jerks at all my emotional strings until I can't handle the tension and I'm angry and upset, on the verge of tears and violence. Trembling as I hold it all in, and I try to back off, try to force myself calm, try to take a breath. Every breath in, soothing as it's supposed to be, only gives him more time to push me farther, closer to the breaking point.

I turn, I try not to let it out, I run.

Edges spilling out, darkness slipping through the grasp of my fingers, like an icicle held tight in warm hands. Dripping, until it's sharp enough to cut, until the hands holding it are numb enough to let it all go.

Because he won't let me take the time I need to breathe, to lock the darkness in tighter. He pushes, stands between me and the exit, and I become nothing more than a cornered, frightened animal. Fight or flight, but what happens when your option for flight is taken from you?

Bare your teeth and fight, little one, because the only way you'll come out on top now is to win, by physical strength if that's what it takes. Is that what he wants, because he knows it shames me into losing? Because I lash out, I strike first, and he won't strike back, never will. Because that's the only promise he ever tried so hard to keep, the lie that held out for the longest.

So I hit and kick and scream and fight until there's nothing left in me, until I either get my way or lose, nothing left. A hollow shell, no light inside, just seething darkness at the edges, feral. Teeth and claws and instinct. Fighting until I win, feel the surge of darkness, pride and triumph, and a slinking sense of guilt that follows after with its tail between its legs.

Because what I've done was wrong. Felt justified, but it was wrong; the fight was never meant to be a fight, emotional or otherwise. The push and pull and twisting, the sharpness of a nerve hit just right that left something numb for hours after. The bitter taste of winning something I should never have to win.

Or the aching of the losing, the soreness felt for weeks when I can't finish what I start. When the first few blows give way to shattered tears and curses, to a broken down and ugly little girl. I don't remember how this goes, I only know just how it ends.

It ends when I can't handle any more. When the darkness starts to eat at me, and I can see it haunt my eyes. I can feel it when I look at him, in the fear that anything will shift the balance, start the bitter angry words. I can feel it in my heart when I forget the words I've said, when I resent a promise made.

Promises were broken on all sides. I turned away and found myself a better path; he did what he always did the best. He twisted up the words, the intent was surely harm to me no matter what his twisted logic said. Tied a knot into my heart and left me torn and scarred.

I make no promise lightly now, I choose my words with care. I trust rarely, if at all, and shy away from anything that I might hurt, that might hurt me. I can't ever go through that again.

So when I find the urge is rising and I can't control my hands, I tremble, weeping, for you can never understand. If I ever touch you once that way... That will be the end. If you back me in a corner, if you leave me with no choice; I'm a feral creature then and you will not find my voice of reason, buried somewhere deep inside.

Have patience with me, let me breathe. I won't run off forever; I swore to change my ways and I will return to make amends. I'm more afraid of myself than anyone else in this world, because I know just what I'm capable of.

When life is going so well, who needs to remember to update their LJ? Apparently not me. XP

Everything is going SMASHINGLY right now. I'm content in my life. I'm talking to eccentric_alex on a very regular basis again, I have a steady boyfriend who makes me very very very happy.

( Cut for length... )
I do believe I've babbled enough for one night, especially since most of it came back to the lovely new man in my life. x3 I'm gonna hit the hay and get some beauty sleep before I open again at work tomorrow.

Ja matta ne, Minna-san! [Talk to you later, Everyone!]

P.S. He's totally a PC. XD <3 Ja!

Much is right in my world.

An evening spent relaxing does wonders, don't you think?

KK came and met me at work, spent a few hours curled in the corner conversing with me and a few of my customers even, and then took me home.

We went by the store, picked up things for dinner.

Came home, and we made a lovely steak dinner, with steamed broccoli and cheap betty crocker potatoes au gratin from a box. A glass of wine, cut with juice, for each of us.

And then we curled up on the couch and watched Treasure Planet until we fell asleep there, and stayed asleep there all night.

It was just... incredible. No stressing, no nothing. No worries about getting up this morning, because we both have the day off. No interruptions from 'Kaasan or the Child, as they're on a field trip this week. We've been listening to s00j's music all morning. <3

My life seems to be settling into a comfortable happiness. Niisan is coming to visit soon (nine days! Eeeeeee!) and spending a whole ten days here, eight of which I have guaranteed off. It'll be incredibly fun to spend so much time with him, and we can wander around the city and just.. be. As well as laze about a bit together, have some fun in his hotel, and such like. x3

I've finally found someone who understands most clearly, who is truly an adult about the relationship we have, though how long that will last I'm unsure, but I do truly care.

I'll take every day as it comes. He loves me, and I... yes, I love him as well, though I've not the courage to say so to him. He smiles and is understanding, and speaks his mind more often than not. He is honest and sweet, and I am thoroughly twitterpated. He doesn't mind that I am open with my heart, that I love easily and many.

He makes me want to turn and run, sometimes, when he speaks his mind and says he's so enamored of me, says he doesn't want to let me go and will never want anyone but me. It makes me pull inside myself when I'd rather open up. It scares me, and makes me want to run away, hide my heart and not ever let anyone find me and who I truly am, not ever. Because I'm so afraid to hurt him later on, so scared to reach that point where my fear of commitment takes over and I trash everything out of a panicked, irrational fear.

I'm already seeing the edges of it, here. So I'll close my eyes and breathe, and take every day as it comes to me. Enjoy the time with him. Communicate my hopes, dreams, fears, open my heart to him the way he has opened his to me, and maybe learn to trust again.

Back to the happy, I have four days in a row off this weekend, and so KK and I are going to clean the kitchen and shower and then run around town today. We'll meet up with Kaiba-san and her boyfriend to wander the waterfront tomorrow, and possibly James when he's off work as well.

And then Saturday is a date day, James and I are going to the zoo together. x3

Sunday, I've no idea yet. Maybe just another day to relax before I work all of next week. We shall see.

I'm happier than I've been in a long, long time.

In honor of my current state of mind... There is ( Musicspam ahead... )

I think I like this feeling. My surface isn't as calm as I'd like it to be, but my centre is centered. That's it, exactly. I'm actually -centered- now. I've always been pretty grounded, but the last few years threw even that askew and left me grasping for solidity.

I'm centered, but maybe not so grounded right now, because I feel like I'm flying. *Laughter.* One out of two ain't bad. I'm so happy right now, even when I'm exhausted and cranky. I'm PMSing for certain, and muttering angrily under my breath on a regular basis, but when I'm happy I'm just so exceedingly content that it overwhelms everything else.

Can this last for the rest of ever? Please, let it last.

I'm in love with life itself. It's the best feeling ever.

So my last post was only the very tip of everything that is changing. I have been so busy and scatterbrained, I haven't even bothered to post much lately, so y'all have missed out on a lot.

I am growing up. I am becoming an adult. And I am happy.

( This is probably going to be long and rambly so I'll cut tag it. )

I do believe I've gone on enough for one post today. Time for me to turn my heater up a little, turn the music up, and get some cleaning and organizing done around here.

To all a good new year, and may you all prosper.

So, I am going to begin a new meme. Please, all of you that read my LJ, pass it on! ♥

Pick two songs that make you think of me, or that you feel describe me, (EDIT: or that describe your relationship with me...) and comment with them. Copy this meme to your own journal, along with two songs that you feel describe yourself, and I will comment with two songs for you.

Links to uploaded songs are appreciated but not required, same with relevant lyrics.
( Memetage! )
Your turn!