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Zee and I have a serious heart to heart, via YIM.
Aaya: There has to be someone out there with that much faith in you, willing to risk that, willing to be that patient.
Aaya: I'd be happy to be that person... but I'm an outdoor cat, myself. And I don't think it would be fair to make you share with another cat. Besides.... we'd end up killing each other XD
Me: Mhm. *Nuzzles.* I totally don't mind sharing my sunny spots with you, though. Now and then.
Aaya: *smiles some and puts arms around* yeah... sunny spots. ... Geez, what am I talking about? I totally seek out the warm spots in the house and I'm not even really a cat XD I see Sally laying in the sun from the window and I'm like "omg move bitch, get out tha way!" *curls up, gets warm, naps*
Me: xD
Aaya: that's how the whole snake thing started way before furuba XD because I'm always freezing cold to touch and I always seek out warm spots to lay cause I can't make myself warm.
Me: Me too, on the finding warm sunny spots to nap. Usually I just curl up around the cat though. xD
Aaya: I curl up on the cat... and that makes her leave XD
Me: Yeah. =/
Aaya: Apparently she seems to think I'm too heavy to lay on her! Well what's good for the goose, I say!
Me: xD
Aaya: *laughing slowing to just a smile* I really am happy, right now, Gure-san. Stupid as it is, just having Tori-san tell me it's better for me to be sad than to pretend I'm not, telling me she loves me no matter what. ... And talking to you earlier today and Michelle-san coming back... the beautiful weather... I really am happy. Michelle-san apologized for being gone like that. She didn't know I'd be so worried.
Me: I'm so glad. I agree with Tori, too. It's better to be sad than to pretend you aren't. Especially to those of us who don't care whether you are happy or sad as long as we can smile with you or hold you while you cry. As long as we love you, it doesn't matter. <3 And I will always love you, darling.
Aaya: *nods a little bit* I thought... maybe if I just faked it, it would be ok. I was really going to break my promise of honesty to you. I was just so upset at the idea that I might be making feel bad just cause I felt bad that... I would've done anything to stop that. I just didn't want to hurt anyone. Because I love you and I love Tori. And you know... I'm still really scared of you guys leaving. For one of the first times in my life I'm being given unconditional love when the love I've been given has always been conditional... and I don't know how to handle it. And I'm afraid that it's not unconditional. That I'll cross a line no one knew was there and it would be over and I'd never be able to be forgiven again.
Me: You know the only line I will ever draw. *Kisses her temple.* You know exactly where it lies. And I.. I am finally starting to feel like you won't step over it. There's always a fear, that lingering "what if?" in my head, but more than that I have faith in you being able to hold on, stick it out, and not give up. Because I'm here to help you through anything you could run into. And i need you to know that.
Aaya: I know I lose it. I know I seem to come close. In some panicked rage I want to give up. You have no idea how many times you two have stopped me and you didn't even have to be there. I feel a bit cornered, a bit trapped because I've given up all of my usual options for the sake of yourself and Tori... like there's this void when I'm upset, that it doesn't seem like anything more than crying unless I'm ready to die, unless I'm bleeding or drinking or smoking or starving that it's nothing important, and I refuse to do those. So it's so hard to say it so clearly the lengths I feel the things I feel without some ruler to hold up and say "This is how far I am, how awful I feel, please help."
Aaya: Despite feeling so entirely hopeless without any form of expression for it, I'm determined not to disappoint you two. I'm determined to keep my promises. Because if you two can love me and give me a reason to want to be here, then I can stop destroying myself if that's what would make you happy.
Me: ... Zee. I need you to know that I am so proud of you right now that I'm having spontaneous eye leaking.
Me: >>;
Me: And so touched, too.
Aaya: *nuzzles shoulder* You know... it's not just that I gave those up to make you two happy. It's also that you two have made me feel so much better for most of the part that I just don't want to do it. That's why I think I'm getting a little bit better, slowly.
Me: You have no idea how much that actually means to me.
Aaya: Gure... I'm really sorry for all the times I've made you feel like maybe you couldn't do anything for me. I know the last time won't be the last time. I know there will be days I can't handle, things that are said that will hurt to the point that I can't keep it together. Just please don't give up. No matter how hopeless I seem to get, don't. The more you believe in me, even if it doesn't seem to get through when I'm so upset, it does.
Me: I know. I know it. I really do, and I couldn't give up on you. Even if it feels like it's hopeless, I'm the sort of person who can always find the last shred of hope in the bottom of the box, and cling to it. Even if I can't see it, I have faith there's hope in there.
Aaya: *nuzzles some more* I'm trusting you with everything. And I don't trust easy, so as much as I've ever managed, you have it. I with hold some due to fear, not caused by your own doing but by the actions of others in the past. With as much faith as I'm putting into you two, if one of you walk away I'm going to be so entirely broken. If you both leave... I'm not sure I'll recover. When Tori threatened to leave, I was seriously ready to die. I thought that my faith was misplaced, my hopes were crushed, and that I was right, that I'd always only remember everyone's back as they turned and left me.
...Shortly thereafter...
Me: *Nuzzles.* I love talking with you. And I hate to shoo you off... but you need to get some sleep, and so do I. We've both got to work tomorrow... and you sooner than I, much much sooner.
Aaya: *nods slowly* yeah... 3.5 hours from now.
Me: Mhm. Go catch some sleep, beautiful. *Kisses both her cheeks and smiles.* Thank you. You've managed to cheer me up without even really trying.
Aaya: *hugs tightly* I'm even happier, tonight, to hear that. I love you, Gure-san.
Me: I love you too. *Hugs really tightly.*
Aaya: *squeaks then laughs* oyasumi nasai gussuri nete ne <333 Kanmu~! <3
Me: Oyasumi. *Beams.* It's been a long time since I heard that whole speech upon our departures to bed. I've missed it. <3 Aishiteru, goodnight.
Aaya: ^_______^ good night <3 *grabs teddy bear and bounds off to bed*
It feels really really nice to have someone confirm that I really am helping. That I matter, on a personal level. Because for all the crazybeans that she is, I love this woman to pieces. I do not want to have her crazy children, I do not want to have a romantic relationship with her (she's far more needy than I could deal with as a girlfriend), none of that. I just want to treat her the way I think she deserves to be treated; much better than she has been. And I just want to love her and be there for her, as long as she needs me.
I'm proud of both of us, really. She's been so broken, and been through so much... and she's finally getting better. And I'm.. I'm helping her. I really, truly am. Simply by being there, I'm helping. It makes me so happy...
*Contently smiles, and drifts off to catch the sleep she needs before work tomorrow.*
Aaya: There has to be someone out there with that much faith in you, willing to risk that, willing to be that patient.
Aaya: I'd be happy to be that person... but I'm an outdoor cat, myself. And I don't think it would be fair to make you share with another cat. Besides.... we'd end up killing each other XD
Me: Mhm. *Nuzzles.* I totally don't mind sharing my sunny spots with you, though. Now and then.
Aaya: *smiles some and puts arms around* yeah... sunny spots. ... Geez, what am I talking about? I totally seek out the warm spots in the house and I'm not even really a cat XD I see Sally laying in the sun from the window and I'm like "omg move bitch, get out tha way!" *curls up, gets warm, naps*
Me: xD
Aaya: that's how the whole snake thing started way before furuba XD because I'm always freezing cold to touch and I always seek out warm spots to lay cause I can't make myself warm.
Me: Me too, on the finding warm sunny spots to nap. Usually I just curl up around the cat though. xD
Aaya: I curl up on the cat... and that makes her leave XD
Me: Yeah. =/
Aaya: Apparently she seems to think I'm too heavy to lay on her! Well what's good for the goose, I say!
Me: xD
Aaya: *laughing slowing to just a smile* I really am happy, right now, Gure-san. Stupid as it is, just having Tori-san tell me it's better for me to be sad than to pretend I'm not, telling me she loves me no matter what. ... And talking to you earlier today and Michelle-san coming back... the beautiful weather... I really am happy. Michelle-san apologized for being gone like that. She didn't know I'd be so worried.
Me: I'm so glad. I agree with Tori, too. It's better to be sad than to pretend you aren't. Especially to those of us who don't care whether you are happy or sad as long as we can smile with you or hold you while you cry. As long as we love you, it doesn't matter. <3 And I will always love you, darling.
Aaya: *nods a little bit* I thought... maybe if I just faked it, it would be ok. I was really going to break my promise of honesty to you. I was just so upset at the idea that I might be making feel bad just cause I felt bad that... I would've done anything to stop that. I just didn't want to hurt anyone. Because I love you and I love Tori. And you know... I'm still really scared of you guys leaving. For one of the first times in my life I'm being given unconditional love when the love I've been given has always been conditional... and I don't know how to handle it. And I'm afraid that it's not unconditional. That I'll cross a line no one knew was there and it would be over and I'd never be able to be forgiven again.
Me: You know the only line I will ever draw. *Kisses her temple.* You know exactly where it lies. And I.. I am finally starting to feel like you won't step over it. There's always a fear, that lingering "what if?" in my head, but more than that I have faith in you being able to hold on, stick it out, and not give up. Because I'm here to help you through anything you could run into. And i need you to know that.
Aaya: I know I lose it. I know I seem to come close. In some panicked rage I want to give up. You have no idea how many times you two have stopped me and you didn't even have to be there. I feel a bit cornered, a bit trapped because I've given up all of my usual options for the sake of yourself and Tori... like there's this void when I'm upset, that it doesn't seem like anything more than crying unless I'm ready to die, unless I'm bleeding or drinking or smoking or starving that it's nothing important, and I refuse to do those. So it's so hard to say it so clearly the lengths I feel the things I feel without some ruler to hold up and say "This is how far I am, how awful I feel, please help."
Aaya: Despite feeling so entirely hopeless without any form of expression for it, I'm determined not to disappoint you two. I'm determined to keep my promises. Because if you two can love me and give me a reason to want to be here, then I can stop destroying myself if that's what would make you happy.
Me: ... Zee. I need you to know that I am so proud of you right now that I'm having spontaneous eye leaking.
Me: >>;
Me: And so touched, too.
Aaya: *nuzzles shoulder* You know... it's not just that I gave those up to make you two happy. It's also that you two have made me feel so much better for most of the part that I just don't want to do it. That's why I think I'm getting a little bit better, slowly.
Me: You have no idea how much that actually means to me.
Aaya: Gure... I'm really sorry for all the times I've made you feel like maybe you couldn't do anything for me. I know the last time won't be the last time. I know there will be days I can't handle, things that are said that will hurt to the point that I can't keep it together. Just please don't give up. No matter how hopeless I seem to get, don't. The more you believe in me, even if it doesn't seem to get through when I'm so upset, it does.
Me: I know. I know it. I really do, and I couldn't give up on you. Even if it feels like it's hopeless, I'm the sort of person who can always find the last shred of hope in the bottom of the box, and cling to it. Even if I can't see it, I have faith there's hope in there.
Aaya: *nuzzles some more* I'm trusting you with everything. And I don't trust easy, so as much as I've ever managed, you have it. I with hold some due to fear, not caused by your own doing but by the actions of others in the past. With as much faith as I'm putting into you two, if one of you walk away I'm going to be so entirely broken. If you both leave... I'm not sure I'll recover. When Tori threatened to leave, I was seriously ready to die. I thought that my faith was misplaced, my hopes were crushed, and that I was right, that I'd always only remember everyone's back as they turned and left me.
...Shortly thereafter...
Me: *Nuzzles.* I love talking with you. And I hate to shoo you off... but you need to get some sleep, and so do I. We've both got to work tomorrow... and you sooner than I, much much sooner.
Aaya: *nods slowly* yeah... 3.5 hours from now.
Me: Mhm. Go catch some sleep, beautiful. *Kisses both her cheeks and smiles.* Thank you. You've managed to cheer me up without even really trying.
Aaya: *hugs tightly* I'm even happier, tonight, to hear that. I love you, Gure-san.
Me: I love you too. *Hugs really tightly.*
Aaya: *squeaks then laughs* oyasumi nasai gussuri nete ne <333 Kanmu~! <3
Me: Oyasumi. *Beams.* It's been a long time since I heard that whole speech upon our departures to bed. I've missed it. <3 Aishiteru, goodnight.
Aaya: ^_______^ good night <3 *grabs teddy bear and bounds off to bed*
It feels really really nice to have someone confirm that I really am helping. That I matter, on a personal level. Because for all the crazybeans that she is, I love this woman to pieces. I do not want to have her crazy children, I do not want to have a romantic relationship with her (she's far more needy than I could deal with as a girlfriend), none of that. I just want to treat her the way I think she deserves to be treated; much better than she has been. And I just want to love her and be there for her, as long as she needs me.
I'm proud of both of us, really. She's been so broken, and been through so much... and she's finally getting better. And I'm.. I'm helping her. I really, truly am. Simply by being there, I'm helping. It makes me so happy...
*Contently smiles, and drifts off to catch the sleep she needs before work tomorrow.*
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