Absent thoughts

Four years. Four years absent, and here I am picking it up again in hopes it will help me clear out some of the clutter in my head so I can function again, hmm?

Married, mostly-functional poly for once, local friends instead of far away internet friends. Some of my friends are still back in Colorado, some of the people I love still live very far away, but more and more I've settled in here.

Which will make it all the harder to leave again. Husband (formerly known as Jailbait) wants to move down to Cali once he's graduated; better jobs in his field, better weather for his illness. I'm torn.

I have friends here, family here. Not that I haven't moved away before, but in Cali it would be just the two of us. It would be a starting over. Two people, two cats, against the whole wide world.

I'm officially fixed, now, too. Spayed. Check-up in November to make sure it worked properly, but it's not reversible anyway. Bite me, biology; no recreation for you. No passing on the crazy genetics to the next generation.

Started thinking about journaling again because it's hard to sort out some of the feelings in my head. Mostly thinking about the poly stuff right now; I'm married, dating a guy, and occasionally sleeping with another of my friends. Who happens to be roommates with the guy I'm dating. While my lovely husband is a total introvert who wants nothing to do with any of my friends or lovers for the most part, and is also busy with ridiculous amounts of work and school at any given point in time.

See the complications?

Add to that the depression, the anxieties, and the eternal pack rat in my soul, and we have Issues. My house is a mess.

Today was the first day in a long time that I've felt like just vanishing. The gypsy foot is strong, the desire to pack up from the boyfriend's house and leave barely a trace I was ever here, to vanish into the ether and travel somewhere. Skip work, drop obligations and responsibilities, take off.

Go boldly into the unknown.

Alas, I cannot.