wild_dreamer (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
wild_dreamer) wrote2007-11-15 11:10 am
wild_dreamer) wrote2007-11-15 11:10 am
If this is \/\/onderland then where is my Cake?
Akito is too much involved in this sometimes. The small fits of jealous fury, the suspicious eyes wanting to watch his every move and make sure he's not going to leave me...
It's so wrong. Machi doesn't even have to think, to smile and blush and duck her head, and say "yes, he loves me endlessly." Akito watches everything, and feels threatened by every girl on his friends list, every message that goes unseen.
It's driving me crazy because I'm not like that. I am not that jealous, sickly person. I am not the type of person who would check his email behind his back.
Maybe on the day when Akito lets go of Kureno, then Machi can have Yuki fully. Maybe that's the way this works, is someday we will change, and his Kureno will leave Akito, and Yuki will hold Machi in his arms and everything will be... not perfect, but good.
For how long?
Maybe someday Machi will be content with perfection, too. Perfection is in the eyes of the beholder, ne?
He's so quiet and closed-off, it makes me distrustful of his intentions. It makes me think back to Devin, and the way he would hide things from me. So I don't entirely trust that he's telling the truth, that he really feels this way.
I won't know until I am well invested in this; invested enough to meet in person, or to have been broken already.
I will simply have to wait, won't I? There is no rushing this. I have to sit down, and learn patience, and in the meantime I have to put myself together and fight for what I want.
He's teaching me that much at least. I have to fight for what I want, and sometimes I guess that means fighting against myself. Fight against my insecurities, against my laziness and lack of motivation. I have to find a motivation, and ignore every part of me that says I can't make it.
One step at a time.
What is the first step?
It's so wrong. Machi doesn't even have to think, to smile and blush and duck her head, and say "yes, he loves me endlessly." Akito watches everything, and feels threatened by every girl on his friends list, every message that goes unseen.
It's driving me crazy because I'm not like that. I am not that jealous, sickly person. I am not the type of person who would check his email behind his back.
Maybe on the day when Akito lets go of Kureno, then Machi can have Yuki fully. Maybe that's the way this works, is someday we will change, and his Kureno will leave Akito, and Yuki will hold Machi in his arms and everything will be... not perfect, but good.
For how long?
Maybe someday Machi will be content with perfection, too. Perfection is in the eyes of the beholder, ne?
He's so quiet and closed-off, it makes me distrustful of his intentions. It makes me think back to Devin, and the way he would hide things from me. So I don't entirely trust that he's telling the truth, that he really feels this way.
I won't know until I am well invested in this; invested enough to meet in person, or to have been broken already.
I will simply have to wait, won't I? There is no rushing this. I have to sit down, and learn patience, and in the meantime I have to put myself together and fight for what I want.
He's teaching me that much at least. I have to fight for what I want, and sometimes I guess that means fighting against myself. Fight against my insecurities, against my laziness and lack of motivation. I have to find a motivation, and ignore every part of me that says I can't make it.
One step at a time.
What is the first step?